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Drinking Jokes

  • Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off…


  • I’m a county coroner and it’s Saturday at the morgue. Gotta do some autopsies. … I would love to be watching college football on TV and drinking beer like you lucky dudes. … I’m a little like you… but I get a bonus. … I get to crack open a cold one while earning time … Read more…

  • Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving Facebook notifications after a weekend of drinking that says “you have been tagged in a photo”

  • It’s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.

  • In honor of the Olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team….. Whose in?

  • While drinking my afternoon coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window… and ask myself: Would prison be all that bad?

  • Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like… “Dude, shouldn’t you be hanging out with people your own age?”

  • “I ruined my health by drinking to everyone Else’s.”

  • Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??

  • My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

  • My boss just informed me that “It’s FRIDAY” is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

  • My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

  • The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

  • The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn’t so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself

  • I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don’t like to

  • My doctor told me to stop drinking today…then he told me to stop laughing.

  • Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I’d gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

  • You should know you’ll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, “Alcohol by volume.”

  • You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.

  • After a night of heavy drinking’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.

  • I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of sex and wine drinking.

  • There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.

  • I ought to start doing more with my weekends than just sit at home drinking beer, jacking off to porno mags and playing minesweeper. I do enough of those things at work.

  • I’m going to carry on drinking, smoking, and having unprotected sex. Recent figures show that you are more likely to die in a plane crash.

  • The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behaviour

  • You know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name…..and you’ve never even been to that bar before.

  • I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.

  • Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

  • I can’t stop drinking about you.

  • If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

  • My Dad just called to give me the “I’m worried about your drinking” talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.

  • I don’t have a drinking problem, if anything I’m too damn good at it.

  • I’d like to go back in time, to when I said “When I grow up, I wanna go to college, be an engineer or an Astronaut or a successful lawyer” and change it to: “When I grow up, I wanna barely graduate high school, start drinking and womanizing, get a factory job, get married, have two kids, get divorced and become addicted to something called Facebook.” Just imagine the sense of accomplishment I would have right now.

  • If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.

  • New years eve one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early.

  • Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…

  • Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.

  • Can’t afford anti-depressants so I’m just drinking No More Tears shampoo.

  • People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn’t work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!

  • I’m not really a social drinker. I’d say most of my drinking is work related.

  • I’m drinking coffee because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!

  • Drinking over 2oz of water an hour leads to excessive restroom requests and hurts productivity. Consider this before indulging in hydration.

  • A Chinese man comes to the pub, stands next to me & starts drinking.I said, “Do you know any martial arts, like kung-fu, ju-jitsu, or karate?”He said, “Why the fuck are you asking me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”“No,” I said. “It’s because you’re drinking my beer!”

  • I went to the bar and ordered a pint of Less.The barman asks, “What’s Less?”I answered, “I don’t really know but the doctor told me to start drinking it!”

  • There’s a new craze in the UK where men are drinking vodka from a womans fanny with a straw…The government fears a rise in minge drinking!

  • “Boss, I’ve got a probl-”“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

  • I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry that came out wrong…I am giving up. Drinking for a month!

  • Is drinking alone now technically working from home?

  • A bloke goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The barman says, “Why are you drinking so fast?” The bloke says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.” The barman says, “What do you have?” The bloke replies, “About 75p!”

  • Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager…It’s called the Heineken Manoeuvre!

  • I saw a bloke at Starbucks earlier, with no phone, no tablet, no laptop…He’s just sat there drinking coffee…Like a psychopath!

  • If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed…This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning!

  • The #LoveIsland drinking game:1. Turn this fucking bullshit off 2. Go down the pub

  • I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this morning in a tragic accident…He got his finger caught in a wedding ring!

  • Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.I gave up my mates, motorbike, drinking, gambling…All she gave up was sex!

  • An Irish priest is driving on a country road when the police pull him over. He can smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.He says, “Have you been drinking?”“Just water,” says the priest.The cop replies, “Why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord he’s done it again!”

  • I said to my hairdresser, “Make me look sexy.”She started drinking!

  • When I was younger, people told me that by drinking five glasses of milk, I would grow up stronger and be able to move walls…Well now I’m older, I can drink ten pints of beer and the walls move by themselves!

  • If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep.It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

  • My doctor has advised me to stop drinking, its going to be a massive change for me.I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.

  • I had an uncle who was an alcoholic. To keep him from drinking, we got him in sculpting school. Sadly, it didn’t help.He’d still come home plastered.

  • I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry that came out wrong.I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

  • If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

  • My doctor has advised me to stop drinking – it’s going to be a massive change for me.I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.

  • An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over. They smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.Have you been drinking?Just water, says the priest.The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?The priest says: Good Lord He’s done it again!

  • Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much…It scared the hell out of me, so today I’ve decided never to read it again.

  • I was arrested for drinking battery acid.But I wasn’t charged.

  • An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath. He says: Have you been drinking? Just water, says the priest. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine? The priest says: Good Lord He’s done it again!

  • If a math teacher has 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what does he have?A drinking problem

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