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Driving Jokes

  • I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.


  • ((Sigh)) I would love to get a new BMW i8 It definitely will get the most gals per mile in city driving.

  • I was tired of driving my old beater, so I stopped in to my local dealer. The salesman showed me all the new models. No more station wagons, they are called SUVs. They had sub-compacts, intermediates, electric cars, hybrids… you name it, they had it. I purchased a completely new model called a Pervertible. The … Read more…

  • If I were the Town Mayor, I would rename our bridge “The Influence.” … Then I would direct the police to pull over and ticket everyone driving under The Influence.

  • My Dad just had a stairlift installed in the house. Its driving him up the wall.

  • Just before I die, I’m going to change my name to OFF’. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers: R.I.P. OFF

  • To make it safer to use the mobile phone when I’m driving, I’ve deleted all my German male contacts. I now completely Hans free.

  • When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car. I can’t believe that the daft twat thinks Star Wars is real.

  • Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.

  • Driving a Prius shows women that you are socially responsible, environmentally conscious, and will be completely unable to make them cum.

  • Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving…I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

  • My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.

  • The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won’t need to adjust her driving.

  • I’m starting to be careful about drunk driving now that Christmas isn’t far away..In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I’m quite proud of myself, I’d never driven a bus before..!!”

  • I got excited when I came across this “topless Bar”, in kolkata while driving home last night. I walked in and was shocked to find out that it had no roof !

  • Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

  • You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

  • Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else’s.

  • The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it’s the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

  • Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

  • 3 blonds were driving to Disney World… The sign said; Disney World Left, so they started crying, turned around, and drove home.

  • Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving…

  • I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.

  • A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

  • Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seat belts to encourage safer driving habits.

  • Why do single people take dating advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions.

  • After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving. So they arrested me for wasting police time.

  • Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car…The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

  • Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It’s a jungle out there.

  • This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!

  • Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.

  • I can’t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.

  • I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by….he didn’t see the ladder sticking out the back.

  • If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic

  • You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

  • Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.

  • A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fcuker survived the crash.

  • I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touch screen while I’m driving

  • A magician was driving down the street… Then he turned into a driveway.

  • I was out driving last night and I started to feel a little bit horny, so I pulled into a well known dogging spot…I really enjoyed myself, but I think I failed my driving test!

  • Whilst driving home from my sister’s wedding, my wife asked, “What was the most emotional part for you?”I replied, “When they said the free bar was closing!”

  • I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.“Come on, you stupid cunt!” I shouted. “Get a fucking move on!”She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

  • Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.I asked the waitress, “Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?”The waitress replied, “Burr gerr King!”

  • I was shocked today when my wife tried to give me a blowjob whilst I was driving…Totally messed up my tee shot!

  • Just been watching women’s golf on Sky. It’s so much like real life…They’re shit at driving but great with an iron!

  • I was just motoring north on the A1 and I saw the ‘Driving Home for Christmas’ singer in my Rea view mirror!

  • A couple are driving home but then run over a badger. They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says, “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” The wife replies, “But it’s all wet & it stinks.” He says, “Well hold the badgers nose then!”

  • My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.“I’m confident in you babe just do what you did in the test”, I said.She slowly started unzipping my pants!

  • Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks…But I’ve finally got it down to a tee!

  • Not driving your car and keeping the mileage low to maximise the resale value is like not shagging your girlfriend to keep her fanny tight for the next bloke!

  • Just been watching womens golf on Sky. It’s so much like real life…They’re shit at driving but great with an iron!

  • Samuel L Jackson has finally passed his driving test and will now just be known as Samuel Jackson!

  • My mum got stopped by the police the other day because she was knitting whilst driving.The policeman said, “Pull over!”She replied, “No, a scarf!”

  • I was driving down the road when I suddenly disappeared into a portion of sour cream and chives…I didn’t see the dip in the road!

  • I was driving home from visiting my sister last night and I had a police car right up my arse for the whole journey…I wish her kids would put their bloody toys away!

  • An Irish priest is driving on a country road when the police pull him over. He can smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.He says, “Have you been drinking?”“Just water,” says the priest.The cop replies, “Why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord he’s done it again!”

  • On the motorway, if the person driving in front turns on the wipers when it’s not raining it can only mean one thing…She’ll be changing lanes!

  • I was pulled over by the police whilst driving, but was dying for a piss, so I did it in a coke can. The police asked what was in the can…I am now being done for possession on canapiss!

  • I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.“Come on, you stupid cow!” I shouted. “Get a bloody move on!”She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

  • A couple are driving home when they run over a badger. They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says, “Put it between your legs to warm it up.” The wife says, “But it’s all wet & it stinks.” He says, “Well hold the badgers nose then!”

  • A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.Pullover! he saidNo, it’s a scarf! she replied.

  • What’s the worst thing to say before a driving exam?This thing does have airbags, right?

  • A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.Pullover! he said.No, it’s a scarf! she replied.

  • I had to fire my fruit delivery driver today.I hate to let the mango but he was driving me bananas.

  • An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over. They smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.Have you been drinking?Just water, says the priest.The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?The priest says: Good Lord He’s done it again!

  • I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said: “Airport Left”.So I turned around and went home.

  • My wife and I took a 1000 mile road trip to see our family. My uncle asked us if we took turns driving on the way up.I replied, Yeah. It was too hard to get here in a straight line.

  • An Irish priest is driving along a country road when the police pull him over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath. He says: Have you been drinking? Just water, says the priest. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine? The priest says: Good Lord He’s done it again!

  • A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.She thought Am I the only one still driving a stick?

  • I had to fire my fruit delivery driver today.I hate to let the mango but he was driving me bananas.

  • I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said: “Airport Left”.So I turned around and went home.

  • A policeman spotted an elderly lady knitting while driving.Pullover! he said.No, it’s a scarf! she replied.

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