Topics

Drunk Jokes

  • I’m not as think as you drunk I am.


  • A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Show me your tits & then ask me the question again,” I replied.So she lifted up her top & bra and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Sorry love. I don’t smoke!”

  • I was so drunk last night…I got to the bottom of the stairs, took off my shoes and before I got to the top I’d taken off all my clothes…I really freaked out the people on the top deck of the bus!

  • My yoga instructor was drunk today…Put me in a very awkward position!

  • There’s only three things that always tell the truth!1. Young Children 2. Drunks 3. Leggings

  • I was so drunk last night, I literally crawled home and as I pulled myself up the front steps, my wife was waiting. “Sorry darling, I’m a little bit drunk,” I said. “Drunk? You left your wheelchair at the bloody pub again!”

  • A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Show me your tits & then ask me the question again”, I replied.So she lifted up her top & bra and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Sorry love. I don’t smoke!”

  • I once got so drunk I fixed a dartboard to the ceiling…Spent the rest of the night throwing up!

  • My wife said angrily, “You only ever want sex when you’re drunk.”“That’s not true,” I replied. “Sometimes I want a kebab!”

  • I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, “You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever.”She said, “My boyfriend is right behind you.”“Good, I’m glad I’ve got his support!”

  • I woke up and saw my wife sobbing on the edge of the bed.“What’s the matter?” I said and sat beside her.“You came in last night extremely drunk and said how much you hated me & the kids” she cried.Utterly shocked, I said, “I can assure you, sweetheart, that I wasn’t drunk!”

  • I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make. I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with my best friend.Now, I can’t even bring myself to talk to him…To be honest, I don’t even want to play fetch with him!

  • Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.It was disgusting on so many levels.

  • How does a computer get drunk?It takes screen shots.

  • My yoga instructor was drunk today.Put me in a very awkward position.

  • I came home drunk last night and my wife said. How much have you had to drink? she asked.Nothing I slurred.Look at me! she shouted. It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, It’s you. I can tell by the voice.

  • I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!She is watching our wedding video again.

  • Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home.It was disgusting on so many levels.

  • A son asks his dad, Dad, what it is like to be drunk?The dad replies, Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them.To that the son replies, But dad, I can see only one car.

  • Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home.It was disgusting on so many levels.

  • What did the full glass of water say to the empty glass of water?You look drunk.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *