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Eating Jokes

  • Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.


  • A man goes to the doctor with celery in his ear and a carrot up his nose. The Doc says “I can tell you right now you’re not eating right!”

  • Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

  • What did one bird say to the other cheating parrot? Toucan play at that game.

  • I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating Doritos on the sofa. I mumbled under my breath, “Fat fucking cows.”She said, “What did you just say?”I replied, “You herd!”

  • A grandad has gone missing after eating 6 pickled eggs 2 tins of beans 12 pickled gherkins and 3 raw onions…His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for a least a fortnight!

  • My knob turned a horrible shade of orange and I was really concerned, so I called 111.“What were you doing when you noticed the colour?” the nurse asked.“Well nothing much,” I replied. “Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!”

  • My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden…She went crazy and said she won’t play Scrabble with me again!

  • I once got fired for eating corn flakes at work…I miss being a chiropodist!

  • My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas!

  • I walked up to fat girl eating meals in McDonalds.I said, “You need a bit of me in your life.”“Do I now?” she blushed with a smile. “What’s your name?”I replied, “The name’s Power, Will Power!”

  • Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks…They charged one and let the other one off!

  • Spent the morning in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!

  • If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, as I need to borrow some chairs!

  • Spent yesterday afternoon in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!

  • Valentine’s Day plan: 1. Breakfast in bed 2. Chocolates 3. Watch movie 4. Dinner for two 5. Regret eating two dinners!

  • Ate a parrot for breakfast…It’s repeating on me now!

  • I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana…Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it!

  • A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, “You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.”Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, “Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!”

  • I was eating a bag of crisps earlier and on the back of the packet it said ‘Not to be sold separately.’I thought, ‘Who the hell buys just one crisp?’

  • During a 17 year period, 114 men died in weight lifting accidents at the gym.In the same 17 year period only one man died while eating a doughnut.Life is about the choices we make…Educate yourself!

  • A bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and fries please.”“Certainly sir,” I said. “Eating in or take out?”“Fuck off you prick!” he said as he walked off with his food…I love working in the prison canteen!

  • When the doctor examined me I had a sausage in my ear, gravy and custard all over my shirt, and mashed potato in my hair. I said, “What’s the problem doc?”He said, “You’re not eating properly!”

  • I’m sweating like a dyslexic on Countdown! #heatwave

  • I’m creating a new perfume for introverts…It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne!

  • A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.A man came over and said, “Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health.”The boy replied, “Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old.”“By eating chocolates?” the man asked.“No, by minding his own business!”

  • A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned”…The priest replies angrily, “You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!”

  • UK on Friday: I worry about heating my home this winter…UK on Wednesday: I worry about having a home this winter!

  • My missus is slightly cold and wants the heating on. I’m quite warm and don’t want the heating on…So we’ve compromised and put the heating on!

  • Just been berated about my meat-eating by a vegan…I didn’t expect the spinach inquisition!

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