Eating Jokes

  • I don’t believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

  • Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They’ve obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.

  • Ladies… don’t jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. It’s probably just full of porn

  • My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can’t help that my English teacher is hotter.

  • I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.

  • Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?

  • I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.

  • Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating…

  • My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

  • Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times…

  • Personally, I don’t find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

  • If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.

  • My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.

  • Where I am from, if I was “16 And Pregnant” I’d get an ass beating not a TV show.

  • So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff… Still a better love story than Twilight.

  • I remember the days when I wasn’t addicted to Facebook…I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,

  • Hate being fat. Love eating food.

  • Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

  • A man goes to the doctor with celery in his ear and a carrot up his nose. The Doc says “I can tell you right now you’re not eating right!”

  • Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

  • What did one bird say to the other cheating parrot? Toucan play at that game.

  • I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating Doritos on the sofa. I mumbled under my breath, “Fat fucking cows.”She said, “What did you just say?”I replied, “You herd!”

  • A grandad has gone missing after eating 6 pickled eggs 2 tins of beans 12 pickled gherkins and 3 raw onions…His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for a least a fortnight!

  • My knob turned a horrible shade of orange and I was really concerned, so I called 111.“What were you doing when you noticed the colour?” the nurse asked.“Well nothing much,” I replied. “Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!”

  • My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden…She went crazy and said she won’t play Scrabble with me again!

  • I once got fired for eating corn flakes at work…I miss being a chiropodist!

  • My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas!

  • I walked up to fat girl eating meals in McDonalds.I said, “You need a bit of me in your life.”“Do I now?” she blushed with a smile. “What’s your name?”I replied, “The name’s Power, Will Power!”

  • Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks…They charged one and let the other one off!

  • Spent the morning in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!

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