Eating Jokes

Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They’ve obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.

Ladies… don’t jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. It’s probably just full of porn

My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can’t help that my English teacher is hotter.

I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.

Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?

I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.

Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating…

My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times…

Personally, I don’t find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.

My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.

Where I am from, if I was “16 And Pregnant” I’d get an ass beating not a TV show.

So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff… Still a better love story than Twilight.

I remember the days when I wasn’t addicted to Facebook…I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,

Hate being fat. Love eating food.

Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

A man goes to the doctor with celery in his ear and a carrot up his nose. The Doc says “I can tell you right now you’re not eating right!”

Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

What did one bird say to the other cheating parrot? Toucan play at that game.

I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating Doritos on the sofa. I mumbled under my breath, “Fat fucking cows.”She said, “What did you just say?”I replied, “You herd!”

A grandad has gone missing after eating 6 pickled eggs 2 tins of beans 12 pickled gherkins and 3 raw onions…His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for a least a fortnight!

My knob turned a horrible shade of orange and I was really concerned, so I called 111.“What were you doing when you noticed the colour?” the nurse asked.“Well nothing much,” I replied. “Just sitting around, watching porn and eating Wotsits!”

My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden…She went crazy and said she won’t play Scrabble with me again!

I once got fired for eating corn flakes at work…I miss being a chiropodist!

My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas!

I walked up to fat girl eating meals in McDonalds.I said, “You need a bit of me in your life.”“Do I now?” she blushed with a smile. “What’s your name?”I replied, “The name’s Power, Will Power!”

Police arrested two kids, one for eating batteries, the other for eating fireworks…They charged one and let the other one off!

Spent the morning in the zoo treating monkeys with depression…I’m always there when the chimps are down!