Egg Jokes

  • I serve my eggs Benedict on a golden platter. There’s no plates like gold for the Hollandaise.

  • I play triangle for a reggae band. It’s pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.

  • Why do the French only put one egg in an omelette? Because one egg is un oeuf.

  • What did the chicken say about the scrambled egg? There goes my crazy, mixed up kid.

  • What happens when you tell an egg a joke? It cracks up.

  • Mine is: A boiled egg is hard to beat.

  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  • My neighbours are having a contest to see who can hang out their washing on the line the fastest…So far, it’s level pegging!

  • A grandad has gone missing after eating 6 pickled eggs 2 tins of beans 12 pickled gherkins and 3 raw onions…His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for a least a fortnight!

  • I’m sick of people knocking on my door begging. Last night a woman was asking for donations for a sperm bank…I gave her a right mouthful!

  • Just seen a homeless man dressed as Henry VIII…Which is crazy because beggars can’t be Tudors!

  • I put my hair in a bun yesterday…That’s why I no longer work at Greggs!

  • Why don’t French people ever eat two eggs for breakfast?Because one egg is un œuf!

  • The wife was in the kitchen cooking me bacon and eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do…Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an alll day breakfast for just £3.99!

  • Any vegetarians out there fancy a very tasty snack, but want the guarantee of no meat in it whatsoever? I suggest a Steak Bake from Greggs!

  • 13 weeks until Pancake Day and already the shops are selling flour and eggs!

  • My kids keep mocking me because of my memory.Well, they’re the ones who’ll be sorry when there’s no eggs under the Christmas tree on Saturday!

  • There’s only three things that always tell the truth!1. Young Children 2. Drunks 3. Leggings

  • I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday. “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely,” she replied…Kinder Egg it is then!

  • The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the most…I said, “Open your legs and I will show you.”So I nutmegged her!

  • My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns.I said, “OK. I’ll give it arrest!”

  • I’m combining Easter and April Fools day this year…I’m sending the kids out to look for Easter Eggs I haven’t hidden!

  • A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.The barman says, “Who’s first?”

  • I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there!

  • I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, “Where the fuck did you get her from son? She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”I replied, “There’s no need to whisper Dad. She’s deaf as well!”

  • My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry…I’ll return!

  • Makes sense that Greggs should go into fashion…Their sausage rolls are so flaky you end up wearing half the bloody thing anyway!

  • I’m watching the #LondonMarathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg…This could be interesting!

  • I was walking past a farm and a sign said: Duck, eggs!I thought: That’s an unnecessary comma – then it hit me.

  • A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: you must be singleThe man replied: Wow how did you know that ?Cashier: Because you’re ugly

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