Egg Jokes

The wife was in the kitchen cooking me bacon and eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do…Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an alll day breakfast for just £3.99!

Any vegetarians out there fancy a very tasty snack, but want the guarantee of no meat in it whatsoever? I suggest a Steak Bake from Greggs!

13 weeks until Pancake Day and already the shops are selling flour and eggs!

My kids keep mocking me because of my memory.Well, they’re the ones who’ll be sorry when there’s no eggs under the Christmas tree on Saturday!

There’s only three things that always tell the truth!1. Young Children 2. Drunks 3. Leggings

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday. “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely,” she replied…Kinder Egg it is then!

The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the most…I said, “Open your legs and I will show you.”So I nutmegged her!

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns.I said, “OK. I’ll give it arrest!”

I’m combining Easter and April Fools day this year…I’m sending the kids out to look for Easter Eggs I haven’t hidden!

A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.The barman says, “Who’s first?”

I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there!

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, “Where the fuck did you get her from son? She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”I replied, “There’s no need to whisper Dad. She’s deaf as well!”

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry…I’ll return!

Makes sense that Greggs should go into fashion…Their sausage rolls are so flaky you end up wearing half the bloody thing anyway!

I’m watching the #LondonMarathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg…This could be interesting!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: Duck, eggs!I thought: That’s an unnecessary comma – then it hit me.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: you must be singleThe man replied: Wow how did you know that ?Cashier: Because you’re ugly

I was walking past a farm and a sign said Duck, eggsI thought: That’s an unnecessary comma and then it hit me.

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns…I said, O.K…..I’ll give it arrest.

What do you call a one-legged hippo?A hoppo.

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry…I’ll return.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when his wife asked him why he hadn’t updated to Windows 10?I still love Vista, baby!

I asked the shop assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures are.She said Aisle B, Back.

What breed of roosters lay eggsHimalayan.

I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger was just hired to be in a new film about classical composers.He’ll be Bach.

Why don’t French people ever eat two eggs for breakfast?Because one egg is un œuf.

How are rotten eggs like dads?They both have bad yolks.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: You must be single.The man answers: Wow, how did you know that?Cashier: Because you’re ugly.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.She’s a mathmachicken.