Fact Jokes

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”The Policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,”Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds “…think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’ The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’ ‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked. ‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man. Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan. ‘Don’t doubt it for a minute, ‘ returned the old man, in an even tone. ‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan. ‘Yep,’ was the calm reply. ‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan. ‘Nope,’ said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’ The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!” “That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else. The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem. Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the very next port of call after the Titantics stop in New York. This shipment of mayonnaise would have been the largest ever delivered to Mexico but as we all know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was lost forever. The people of Mexico who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a Nation Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning ocurs each year on May 5th and is know of course as — Sinko de Mayo.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, ‘I’m fine’, at the scene of the accident?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for a long, drawn-out story,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!” Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.” He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. 8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 10. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home. 13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 14. Great dames for sale. 15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated. 18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment. 21. Man, honest. Will take anything. 22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. 23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person. 24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. 25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 26. And now, the Superstore — unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. 27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Hellmann’s Mayonnaise – a bit of history. Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as – Sinko De Mayo.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?” ”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–” ”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?” ”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–” ”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so. ”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. “Why not?” my friend asked incredulously. “I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.” “It CAN’T be!” he cried. “You have GOT to be kidding!” “Yes, I am,” she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

Vibrato: Used by fretless players to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs out with her so much. She sees him strictly just as a friend. This always starts out with, “you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way.” This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”

I think Santa Claus is a woman …. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem suprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) on this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: – Men can’t pack a bag. – Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. – Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.. having to be seen with all those elves. – Men don’t answer their mail. – Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.” – Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them. – Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. – Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men …… Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, goodwill, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!

FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!

Times change. Recently there was a demonstration by a large number of students at several Howard County high schools in Columbia. The students were protesting the fact the teachers got paid, when it was they who did all the work.

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process. On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing. As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process. Wait a second, the future shift manager says, I know what the hiss, hiss is but whats with the pop noise every once in awhile? Oh, that he he. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process. said the guide It pokes a hole in every third condom. But that cant be good for the condoms! the observant shift manager replied. Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed onevery level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the buildingneeded to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level:level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40.One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss’s office.He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared histhroat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building hadever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off.The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level — level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 — could not stop laughing.He walked out the door of his boss’s office, feeling all proud of himself,when who should he run into but his boss. “John, come with me now!”John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss lookedat him with fury in his eyes. “John,” he said, “your joke was very disruptiveto the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1,level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40! You’re fired! Clean out your desk and get out!”But then his frown softened and he added, “Still, I have to admit, that jokewas funny on so many levels.”

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” “Can you hear me NOW?” “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!” “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?” “You know, in some states, we’re now legally married.” “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?” “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey….” “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!” “If your hand doesn’t fit, you musta quit!” “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.” “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?” “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing.”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.&n; bsp; He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later, he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY Iowa lost today, but at least I got laid.

The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so “matter-of-fact” about the whole thing all during the trial. “Mrs. Roth,” he began, “was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?” “Well… yeah… I guess…” she replied. “And when was that?” pressed the attorney. “Well… when he asked for his third cup.” she said.

A factory worker at a factory that made hammers, screwdrivers and other small tools, was seen taking the trash through the front door in a wheelbarrow. The security guard stopped him and informed the employee that he would have to examine the trash to be sure there were nothing being smuggled out of the factory. The employee didn’t object and the guard proceeded to searched the trash. He did not find anything unusual and let the employee continue. The next day, the employee again took the trash out with a wheelbarrow. As expected, the guard insisted upon searching the trash, but still found nothing unusual. This continued for a month and the security guard was becoming extremely suspicious. One day, he decided he would confront the employee. When the employee brought out the trash, the guard said, “I know you are taking something from here but I just can’t find it. You had better confess now or else!” The employee decided there was no way out and he said, “You know all the times I have taken out the trash and you searched it and found nothing?” “Yes…” replied the guard, eager for an answer. The employee continued, “Well so far I have taken 30 wheelbarrows.”

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was… “CELEBRATE !!!

It is a little-known fact that before becoming president of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was for many years foreign corresponcent for Life magazine, dividing his time between their New York and Seoul offices. One day, he left New York for a routine trip to Seoul, but, when he wasn’t heard from, the New York office became worried and called the Seoul office. The Seoul office confirmed that he had arrived as scheduled but had left almost immediately for North Korea. They quoted him as saying that he was not at liberty to say where he could be reached but that he would be doing a story on how the other half lived, promising to cable it to Seoul and New York on completion.The New York office was worried and decided to send a bilingual correspondent to North Korea to try to locate him. He arrived in Seoul, at which time he was told that they had had an update: Syngman Rhee had called in a half hour earlier to say that his story would concern interviews with a taxi driver, a tailor, and a restaurant manager, all in Pyongyang. But he still declined to supply a contact address.So the reporter decided to go to Pyongyang to track him down. At the Pyongyang airport he took a taxi into town, and luck was with him: while his taxi driver had not been the one interviewed, he knew the driver who had, and he gave the reporter his name. When reporter talked to the driver, the driver said that Rhee had planned to interview a tailor in a district known for its many tailors.Again luck was with him: out of 3,518 tailors, he only had to talk to 17 before finding the one who had been interviewed by Rhee: he quoted him as saying he intended to talk to a restaurant manager located in a suburb of Pyongyang. Acting on a hunch that the suburb would be the last one on the commuter train line, he took the train for the northern suburbs and got off at the last stop. He interviewed a restaurant manager there without success, so he returned to Pyongyang Central Station and took a train to the northeast, getting off at the last stop. In this way he worked his way around, taking trains to the east, then southeast, and again luck was with him. He did not have to get half way around the circuit before arriving at the last town on a line running southeast of Pyongyang, where he talked to the manager of one of the town’s only two restaurants. The manager confirmed that Syngman Rhee had gone to the other one for his interview.Arriving there, the correspondent talked to the manager, who said that Rhee had just interviewed him and was now in the kitchen talking to the staff. The reporter went into the kitchen, and there was Syngman Rhee, looking as if he hadn’t aged a day in three months, sipping a cup of tea with the staff with his notebook on his knee. The correspondent said, “Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I’ve found you!”

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.” Are you [email protected] kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M; freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always. Best, Wendi Austin, TX

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, “Bartender, got any specials today?” Bartender answers, “Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.” The guy asks, “Good grief, what do you call that?” The bartender replied, “It’s a “Pabst Smir.”

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M; factory? A: Proof-reading.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one…………..one bad-ass that is.

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”. “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.” There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…” “Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.” “I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.” “Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?” “Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned because he couldn’t concentrate.

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent”. The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly.” “Good”, the doctor said, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’ After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp – and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’ With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon ‘Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’ Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.’ Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’ Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

I know you have an interest in poker – here’s a twist. Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, that John should be at her house around 2:00 PM Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill’s house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?” A little worried, Bill’s wife answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon?” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?” In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after ushering up her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.” Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.” NOW THAT’S A POKER PLAYER!

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It’s drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton today called for an end to the controversy over Sen John Kerry’s Vietnam War service, warning that the continuing swift boat flap was drawing attention away from her. Speaking at a press conference in Washington, Ms. Hilton told reporters that the controversy “has overshadowed the issues that really matter to the American people, such as my messy break-up with Nick. (Singer Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys.) Ms. Hilton also said she had experienced “a significant and troubling decline” in ambushes from paparazzi ever since the swift boat brouhaha began. In an effort to blunt the controversy stoked by the group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Ms. Hilton announced today that she and her sister Nicky had founded a new political action committee called Hotel Heiresses Against Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Ms. Hilton picked up an important backer later in the day when actress Lindsay Lohan voiced her support for the tabloid princess’s decision to take on the swift boat veterans. “Before the whole swift boat thing came up, people were obsessed with whether or not I had my breasts augmented,” Ms. Lohan said. “I’m deeply concerned that the nation seems to have lost focus on that.” “If these swift boat veterans were really for truth, they’d want to know the facts about my boobs,” she added. In other political news, the Republican national Committee announced today that President George W. Bush’s acceptance speech at the convention next week would be simulcast in plain English.

Entries in a Dog’s Diary: 7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11 pm -Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite! Entries in a Cat’s Diary: Day 183 of my captivity … My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by winding around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jamestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.” Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.” Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn’t figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn’t. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, ‘Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?’ He replied, ‘Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.’ Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. ‘But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?’ she asked. ‘Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.’

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car’s hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.” male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Q: What do you call that great feeling of satisfaction you get when you finish your homework? A: The aftermath.

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check all those that apply] ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms bythetruckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants. ___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the credit check. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You still live with your parents. ___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine. ___ Three words: Size does matter. Sincerely, [Your name here]

The editors of Webster’s Dictionary met to decide how to abridge the newedition. “We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more.They’ve got to go,” said the chief editor. “It’s time we faced the fact thatwe can’t have archaic and edit too.”

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?…What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day…or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now….what is the moral to this story? The moral is…. If you don’t let a woman have her own way…. Things are going to get ugly.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…. Something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you wa nt. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?” “I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We’re getting a new kitchen.”

It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game. At half time, Brutus finally arrived “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn’t get it fixed. How’s the game going?” “It’s been a fantastic game so far,” Caesar replied. “What’s the score, then?” “Eight-two, Brutus.”

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as… Sinko de Mayo.

Investment tips for 2006…. for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally 9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as “acts of God.”

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” asked the defendant. “Oh no!” said the lawyer. “This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them,” said the lawyer. “But I did send them,” said the defendant. “What?! You did?” “Yes, That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card…”

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, “This should impress him!” He showed his son a machine and said “Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages. The prudish son, unimpressed, said “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?” The father, furious, thought and said, “Yes son, we call it your mother.”

The makers of French’s Mustard made the following recent statement: “We at the French’s Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow”.

It is a little-known fact that before becoming a singer, Bing Crosby ran a boarding school for boys in San Antonio, Texas. One of the boys who lived in the dorm was in the habit of taking off on Friday afternoons, going to Mexico, and getting drunk. But he kept his studies up during the week, and because his parents were wealthy and important trustees, the school took no action against him. However, one Friday afternoon he got together with a day student, and they both disappeared. The parents of the day student were concerned when their son didn’t come home, so they called Bing Crosby to ask after him. Bing Crosby said, “Don’t worry. Your son is soused with the boarder, down Mexico way.”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” Satan asked “Aren’t you afraid of me?” “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “I been married to your sister for 48 years.”

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

There’s a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem — the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left. But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories. The mayor hurried to Munich’s town hall and pleaded, “You’ve got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!”

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.” “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…” “Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me….” “I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.” Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.” “Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?” “Well, no Brenda… no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this: A woman called a local hospital . . . . “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.” The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?” “Sarah Finkel, room 302.” “I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . .” “3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?” “I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.” “Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.” The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic . . . that’s wonderful news!” The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!” “Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!

A handicap parking sign does not actually mean that the particular spot is for handicapped people. It is in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris, and that you will soon become handicapped if you park there.

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem… How to carry his entire purchases home. The feed store owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” said the biker, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.” We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time”. The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?” The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?” The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Political Correctness For Kids – Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.” – Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.” – You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.” – No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.” – You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.” – You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.” – It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.” – The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.” – Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.” – You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.” – You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.” – You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.” – You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

The editors of Webster’s Dictionary met to decide how to abridge the new edition. “We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more. They’ve got to go,” said the chief editor. “It’s time we faced the fact that we can’t have archaic and edit too.”

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You’ve got to love this lawyer…… A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.” Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India Sadly, the End. Sad, but oh so true! Here’s something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can’t make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter’s results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads. IF THIS WASN’T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY? Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of shi*t.

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death. The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now . . . what is the moral to this story? The moral is . . . If you don’t let a woman have her own way . . . Things are going to get ugly!

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) 1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed informationfrom his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He’s a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner’s Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He’s all right, now. In fact, he’s fully recovered.

A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned becausehe couldn’t concentrate.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life…

New Math? A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.” In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.” Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.” Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal.

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you’re full of sh*t.

At the scale manufacturers’ convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight. She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: “One hundred and sixty-three.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.” The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out!!!”

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss’s office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level — level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 — could not stop laughing. He walked out the door of his boss’s office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. “John, come with me now!” John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. “John,” he said, “your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You’re fired! Clean out your desk and get out!” But then his frown softened and he added, “Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels.”

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. “Okay Simpson,” says the investigator, “you were near the scene, what happened?” “Well, it’s like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.” “He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?” “About 20 years, sir” “20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.” “It was, sir.”

A Dictionary of Project Terms Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties. (We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.) Major Technological Breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.) Developed after years of intensive research. (It was discovered by accident.) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.) The design will be finalized in the next reporting period. (We haven’t started this job yet, but we’ve got to say something.) Test results were extremely gratifying. (It works, and are we surprised.) Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three new guys; we’ll let them kick it around for a while.) Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.) Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties. (We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.)

Leroy Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory. On his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor)calls ol’ Leroy into his little office and says, “You the new man huh? What is yer name?” Leroy replied “Leroy” The straw boss says “I don’t call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority. I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!” Leroy sort of smiles and says, “Its Darling – Leroy Darling! The Straw Boss said “Now Leroy the next thing……..”

1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (?) 21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. 22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.” 25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

“Hillary Clinton’s 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.” – Craig Kilborn “In Hillary Clinton’s new book ‘Living History,’ Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts.” – Jay Leno “In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said ‘I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.’” “No, I’m sorry, that’s what Monica said.” – David Letterman “Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.” – David Letterman “Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.” – Jay Leno “Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.” – Craig Kilborn “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It.” – Jay Leno “Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments.” -David Letterman

A Candle in Rome There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could, were unable to produce little children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest. “My children,” the priest began, “The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you.” “Thank you, Father, thank you!” said the couple. Before leaving, the priest turned and said, “I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time – 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit.” And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife. “My dear,” the priest said, “your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!” “He just left for Rome,” she said in a very desperate tone. “Rome? Why did he go to Rome?” asked the priest. She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, “To blow out that candle!”

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…” “I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?” Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”. Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?” “Now what the hell would you say?”

Growing Old Gracefully? An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” “In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.” After examining the lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that old coot!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

I was getting a bit overworked at the helicopter factory. So they put me on rotas.

I’ve bought shares in a company that manufactures tennis rackets…I’m hoping for a good return!

Storm Arwen has blown the roof off our local cheese factory…There’s de brie everywhere! #StormArwen

Don’t let this Omicron variant distract you from the fact that Freddos are going up to 30p!

My new job at the pasta factory is going well, apart from a fusilli mistakes!