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Farm Jokes

  • What’s the definition o a good farmer?
    A man outstanding in his field.


  • I lost 8 fingers in a farming accident yesterday. It could have been a lot worse…The NHS were amazing. They get two thumbs up from me!

  • The missus got scammed the other day by a woman called Anna. She got her to invest in a snake farm in India…Anna conned her!

  • Police are on the lookout after a man with facial hair has been seen breaking into farms at night and stealing cows…They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash!

  • I asked my local butcher how he prepares his turkeys.He said, “The farmer just tells them straight that they’re gonna die!”

  • I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

  • Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it…He is due to be bailed on Friday!

  • I was in a club on last night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

  • I met a guy in the pub from Wales who was very worried that the Police were going to arrest him for interfering with farm animals…He is laying low, but obviously having a few sheepless nights!

  • I was walking past a farm and a sign said: Duck, eggs!I thought: That’s an unnecessary comma – then it hit me.

  • Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves. Every time they put down a post.Somebody take a fence.

  • I took a job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm.I’m the CIEIO.

  • A farmer notices all the cows had fallen over, he asked the bull why he was still standing?He replied, we bulls wobble but we don’t fall down.

  • I was walking past a farm and a sign said Duck, eggsI thought: That’s an unnecessary comma and then it hit me.

  • What the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries!

  • Why do clumsy farmers make good DJs?They’re always dropping the beets.

  • I was having trouble with my internet at the farm, so I moved the modem to the barn.Now I have stable wifi.

  • One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends.He’s an anti-depress ant.

  • What do you call a farmer that doesn’t like tractors anymore?An extractor fan.

  • The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.Now I have a stable WiFi.

  • I’ve just been promoted to running all of ‘ol Macdonalds farms!I’ll be the CIEIO.

  • I was walking past a farm and a sign said: Duck, eggs.I thought: That’s an unnecessary comma and then it hit me.

  • How do you get a farm girl’s attention?A tractor.

  • I’ve just been accepted for a senior position at the Old McDonald’s Farm.I’ll be the new CIEIO.

  • I was walking past a farm and a sign said: Duck, eggs!I thought: That’s an unnecessary comma – and then it hit me.

  • The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.Now I have stable wifi.

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