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Finger Jokes

  • The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work… Then it clicked


  • I found a hole in my trainer that’s big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I’m now banned from the gym.

  • As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. “I really need a new fucking boat,” I thought to myself.

  • My Neighbors little son asked me where you find giant snails? I tried to blind him with science. “Well, they’re originally from Kenya, and their Latin name is the Achatina Fulica …” Turns out the answer was On giant’s fingers’.

  • Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

  • I was bored at work today so I started to draw mini watches on each of my fingers, and drew a clock on my palm. My boss saw me after i’d finished and told me he’d find me some extra jobs to do because I have too much time on my hands.

  • I found a hole in my trainer that’s big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I’m now banned from the gym

  • My mate recently lost all of his fingers in a horrible accident. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels.

  • It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist’s finger before she stops believing that you’re doing it accidentally.

  • I was trying to get my girl to try @nal. She said “Fine I’m gonna stick my finger up your ass and see how you like it!” The wedding is in a week

  • I didn’t text you just to exercise my fingers, I was expecting a reply back…

  • I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am

  • To all my haters. First of all, you should know that I’m typing this with my middle finger.

  • Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.

  • My middle finger gets a boner whenever I think of you.

  • Sometimes one middle finger isn’t enough to let someone know how you feel. That’s why you have two hands.

  • You, my friend, deserve a high-five…that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

  • I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there’s an 83% chance that my nephew just added “Mother*ucker” to his vocabulary.

  • If you’re upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you’re going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

  • I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

  • After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

  • Bi?ch I didn’t text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply

  • One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

  • My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.

  • When I was young, sticking my tongue out to someone was like giving them the middle finger.

  • When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…

  • I will show you a picture on my phone, but if you swipe right or left, I will break your finger.

  • Why isn’t there a middle finger emoji I swear I would use it 99% of the time

  • Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!

  • How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

  • You deserve a standing ovation from my tallest finger.

  • If someone won’t lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it’s time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye.

  • This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!

  • Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

  • The new #iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, #Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

  • Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It’s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we’re out of napkins.

  • The diamond ring on your finger says “married” but the reveling clothes you are wearing says “still looking.”

  • I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers…because I can always count on them.

  • They could of at least added a middle finger emoji on iOS7.

  • Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.

  • A roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

  • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

  • I lost 8 fingers in a farming accident yesterday. It could have been a lot worse…The NHS were amazing. They get two thumbs up from me!

  • When I lost my fingers on my right hand I asked the doctor if I would be able to still write with it…He said, “Maybe but I wouldn’t count on it!”

  • Which body part is most reliable?Well, you can always count on your fingers!

  • When we’re in bed, my girlfriend likes two fingers. Sometimes she’ll take a third…And by that point, she might as well have the whole fucking KitKat!

  • There’s something very mysterious, yet intriguing, about a woman’s G Spot…I just can’t put my finger on it!

  • If you’ve never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering!

  • At my prostate exam earlier, as the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said, “Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”“Just then,” I said. “When your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming!”

  • Two female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them.”The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

  • My mate has become so lazy since he retired as a cricket umpire…He doesn’t lift a finger now!

  • I’d like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side, and my fingers I can always count on!

  • I was sitting there watching tv and I saw my girlfriend twirling her long dark hair around her fingers and stroking it, and I thought, I’m sure her lady garden shouldn’t be that long!

  • My wife asked me, “Shall we go bowling or stay at home?”I replied, “I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let’s go bowling!”

  • Did you hear about the judge with no fingers?Justice Thumbs!

  • BREAKING NEWSMarti Pellow has arthritis…He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes!

  • Two bricklayers outside my house, arguing about which had forgot to put the tools in the van… There was a lot of finger pointing I will tell you!

  • 2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he’ll fetch them”. The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

  • My Uncle John was a shit ventriloquist…He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!

  • When I lost my fingers in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I’d be able to use my hand again. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it!”

  • I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this morning in a tragic accident…He got his finger caught in a wedding ring!

  • I was strip searched by the police. It started out as a routine stop, but I lied and said I had some coke up my arse. They then took me down the station and gave me the full works, fingers up and instruments in…I feel bad but how else is a gay ginger meant to get some action?

  • After watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do, and had a wank… The midwife wasn’t happy though and I’m now banned from the hospital!

  • I’m not saying that my prostate examiner has the fattest index finger in the world, but it’s definitely up there!

  • I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it!”

  • Why are your fingers the most reliable part of your body?You can always count on them.

  • Which body part is most reliable?Well, you can always count on your fingers.

  • I broke my finger last week.On the other hand I’m OK.

  • I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.He said: Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.

  • I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.He said: Maybe, but I wouldn’t count On it.

  • I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.He said: Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.

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