Fish Jokes

  • Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

  • I stopped going fishing with Skrillex; he kept dropping the bass.

  • Two parrots are standing on a perch. One says to the other “Can you smell fish?”

  • Have you met my friend Annette? She’s married to a fisherman.

  • Why do crabs never give to charity?Because they’re shellfish.

  • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!

  • What did the father say to the son who was going fishing?Let minnow when you get there.

  • I went in to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’

  • Just been fishing… It was reely good.

  • I got really quick service at the fish and chip shop. It was very e-fish-ent

  • My grandma was 98 and bless her, we had to put her in a home. But when she was there, she was like a fish out of water…She died!

  • They are finally making ‘Fly Fishing by J.R. Hartley’ into a movie…The cast is brilliant!

  • Did you know that singer Jess Glynne’s mum Anne was great at fishing?

  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed…I tried it and my goldfish died!

  • I took my wife to Australia on our honeymoon, and she got stung on her vagina by a jellyfish whilst swimming in the sea.I rang an Aussie doctor and explained our predicament about her vagina being swollen shut.The doctor replied, “Ahh bummer mate.”So I did!

  • Did you know, if you put a fish in your ear, you can hear the sound of the fishmonger telling you to put it down and leave his shop!

  • I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me…I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!

  • At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips…Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun!

  • Cancelling my surgery would mean losing out on the hospital’s fish dinner…It was a missed op or tuna tea!

  • Someone told me that pets settle far better if you let them sleep at the end of your bed…It’s true, my goldfish hasn’t woken up yet!

  • I went fishing today and ate my maggots by mistake…Now I’m waiting in hospital with baited breath!

  • Can someone tell me if it’s true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to to warm them up?Awaiting a reply with baited breath!

  • I got a bite the first time I went fishing. I panicked and phoned the Fisherman’s Advice Bureau to see what I should do…“Please hold the line,” they said!

  • Just filled the tank with diesel…The goldfish are now dead!

  • Two goldfish go into a bar.The barman says, “Why the long faeces?”

  • So I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a fish. But turns out my mate lied to me and it wasn’t fancy dress at all…I was done up like a kipper!

  • Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”

  • I went Speed Dating once.“Have you got any pets?” one girl asked.“Yeah, a goldfish.”“Any hobbies?” she said.“Yes. He loves swimming!”

  • I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a fish, but turns out my mate lied to me and it wasn’t fancy dress at all…I was done up like a kipper!

  • Why are fish so easy to weigh.Because they come with there own scales.

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