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Food Jokes

  • Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.


  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

  • Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

  • Shipped some food to my former girlfriend because she was hungry. FedEx.

  • I’ve eaten too much Middle Eastern food. Now I falafel.

  • My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

  • I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a muscle.

  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food here.”

  • I like sea food. I often just have it for the halibut.

  • I burned 2000 calories today…I left my food in the oven for too long!

  • My son has gone to jail. He has refused food, drink, and now he’s not speaking to anyone…I knew we shouldn’t have played Monopoly on his birthday!

  • I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.The doctor said, “Just shake your head.”I asked him, “How often?”He said, “Whenever someone offers you some food you fat cunt!”

  • I once showed an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights.“Wow,” he said. “I can’t believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV’s even your food portions.”Then I introduced him to my wife. That fucking shut him up!

  • My missus said to me today, “I can’t stand these pretentious foody types.”Well, I was so shocked, I nearly choked on my pan fried Camembert and cranberry stuffed aubergine served on a bed of mango and apricot coulis!

  • I met this wonderful girl and we had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, & she even laughed at my offensive jokes.I took her back to my place and she sat me down and stripped totally naked.And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common!

  • I don’t mind genetically modified foods…I had a lovely leg of salmon yesterday!

  • I went into a bakers & asked for two cakes and a bread roll. The baker used tongs to put them in a bag. “Nice to see you don’t handle the food,” I said. The baker replied, “Nothing here is handled by hand.” I asked, “What if you need a piss?” The baker said, “I use the tongs!”

  • My best friend never judges me and is always there when I need him…All he wants in return is walks and food!

  • Kids today don’t know how well off they are. I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas…No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs!

  • My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.“Did you smell that food?” she said. “It was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow” she added.“Fuck it,” I thought. I’ll treat her…So I walked her past it again!

  • BREAKING: Scientists have found a food source that stops women having sex…Wedding cake!

  • Being a waiter isn’t the most glamorous job but it puts food on the table!

  • A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, “You know, a cow died so you could have that burger.”Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, “Maybe it died because you keep eating all its food!”

  • I’ve got no problem with genetically modified food…Just had a lovely leg of salmon!

  • I’ve just found a diet that really works…It’s called the price of food!

  • Strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the communal fridge…Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan!

  • I’m a really big fan of the Bee Gees and I also like cooking Chinese food…You can tell by the way I use my wok!

  • Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu. I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch.I said, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”She said “No, but my mum isn’t expecting a blow job later.”I said, “Enjoy your meal sweetie!”

  • A bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and fries please.”“Certainly sir,” I said. “Eating in or take out?”“Fuck off you prick!” he said as he walked off with his food…I love working in the prison canteen!

  • I always believed onions were the only food that could make you cry…Until my dad hit me in the face with a coconut!

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