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Food Jokes

  • I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it’s the duct tape of food.


  • Weekend settings activated, please don’t call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday…

  • Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

  • Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

  • If pigs could vote they’d always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he’s the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.

  • I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

  • Being fat is just a giant trophy for all of the awesome food you ate.

  • You have no idea how happy I get when phone rings and it’s you. the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

  • Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You’re weird as shit. Body:You’re fat. Face:You’re pretty ugly. Food: Don’t worry babe, I’m here for you.

  • Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

  • My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now………….Wait, That’s not my waiter.

  • Uhm, excuse me waiter… I’d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

  • Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.

  • The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

  • People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

  • She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing food at her.

  • Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

  • Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I cant even get into my own pants.

  • If I wasn’t so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

  • The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

  • Guys are a little like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.

  • I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

  • One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line in front of me with the food stamps!!!

  • Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.

  • Hate being fat. Love eating food.

  • You can convince people to go anywhere with the promise of free food.

  • Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

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