Food Jokes

Weekend settings activated, please don’t call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday…

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

If pigs could vote they’d always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he’s the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.

I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

Being fat is just a giant trophy for all of the awesome food you ate.

You have no idea how happy I get when phone rings and it’s you. the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You’re weird as shit. Body:You’re fat. Face:You’re pretty ugly. Food: Don’t worry babe, I’m here for you.

Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.

My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now………….Wait, That’s not my waiter.

Uhm, excuse me waiter… I’d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.

The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing food at her.

Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I cant even get into my own pants.

If I wasn’t so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

Guys are a little like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.

I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line in front of me with the food stamps!!!

Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.

Hate being fat. Love eating food.

You can convince people to go anywhere with the promise of free food.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”