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Garden Jokes

  • I’ll never forget my first love. She took me outside and showed me the garden. She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden. Full of water. “Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said. So I did. I remember her well.


  • My wife says she hates it when our next door neighbour sunbathes topless in the garden. Personally I’m on the fence.

  • My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….I think he meant well.

  • Was watching golden globes this morning. The next door neighbbour was sunbathing topless in the garden.

  • My wife’s got that good at bonsai, we’re having to move to a house with a smaller garden.

  • For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

  • For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked.

  • A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. … …. …. He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew’s Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at … Read more…

  • Adam, is working in the Garden of Eden, when the skies open up, and God appears spotlighted by a shaft of brilliant blue light.God asks Adam how things were in the garden:’Fine thanks’ replies Adam.’God’, inquires Adam, Why did you make Eve so beautiful?”So you would love her.’ Said God But why did you make her so dumb?”So she would love you.’ Explained God.

  • Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don’t see what that solved, now we’ve got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

  • Life isn’t a garden, so don’t be a hoe.

  • There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.

  • I just updated my Facebook status as “Gonna chill in the garden with a few beers :).” My boss commented “I thought you were sick? Lying about your health is against company policy and is a very serious matter.” I replied “And so is using the work’s internet to go on social networking sites.”

  • Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

  • Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish.

  • BREAKING NEWS: Wall-Mart is now selling Justin Bieber CDs in the Garden Center. Right next to the Pansies.

  • I tell you what often gets overlooked – garden fences.

  • I tell you what often gets overlooked – garden fences.

  • I’ve decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights. Now is the winter of my disco tent.

  • My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water….I think he meant well.

  • My neighbour went into labour this afternoon and I ended up helping her deliver it on the garden trampoline…I’m pleased to say she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy!

  • Some idiot has stolen all the grass from my garden….Even the birds are looking forlorn!

  • I’m having a post hurricane garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time!

  • After the strong winds we’ve had recently, I’m concerned about the trees in my garden…Especially as they weren’t there yesterday!

  • I was sitting there watching tv and I saw my girlfriend twirling her long dark hair around her fingers and stroking it, and I thought, I’m sure her lady garden shouldn’t be that long!

  • I’m having a garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time! #StormDudley

  • With all these winds and storms we’re having, I’m a little worried about the caravan in our garden…We didn’t have one yesterday morning!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”

  • My five year old son said he wanted a tree house in the back garden…Twenty years growing a tree and now the ungrateful git doesn’t want it anymore!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”#GrandNational2022

  • It’s gardening season. Five weeks ago I planted myself on the sofa and I’ve grown considerably!

  • When it’s sunny I think beer garden…When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while….When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer…I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

  • I think my Gentleman’s garden needs a bit of attention…I got a hard on earlier, and it looked like Pinnochio had joined the Taliban!

  • I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said, “What are you doing?”I said, “I’m putting all my plants in alphabetical order.”She replied, “Really? I don’t know how you find the time.”“Oh that’s easy,” I said. “It’s right next to the sage!”

  • Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so the missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…I don’t see what that solved, we’ve still got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours now have our shovel!

  • When it’s sunny I think ‘Beer garden.’When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

  • I just did some Dirty Dancing in my neighbour’s herb garden…I had the thyme of my life!

  • My gardener was leaning over his lawnmower sobbing…I think he was going through a rough patch!

  • I asked my wife to pick 6 stems of asparagus from the garden. She came back with 7.The last one is just a spare I guess.

  • When my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden…He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

  • Yesterday, I went to a DIY place to get manure for my garden but they were out of stock.I wasn’t taking shit from anyone that day.

  • My wife wanted to brighten up the garden.So I planted some bulbs.

  • When my Dad was unemployed he used to hide money in the bushes in our garden…He went on to become a successful hedge fund manager.

  • An old Japanese gardener asked me what I knew about bonsai trees. I said…Very little.

  • My neighbour with huge boobs has been walking around topless all day in the garden.I wish his wife would do the same.

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