Topics

Girl Jokes

  • I used to date a girl with a lazy eye… it turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.


  • I went out with a girl called Simile, I don’t know what I metaphor.

  • I asked the checkout girl for a date. She said “They’re in the fruit aisle next to the bananas.”

  • Today a girl said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

  • I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, I phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

  • A girl walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.

  • A girl invited me back to her place last night for champagne… It turned out it was real pain.

  • After all these years, my wife has managed to keep her schoolgirl figure…She was a fat bitch back then too!

  • I wonder if any of The Spice Girls could lend me a container of fuel…I expect Geri can!

  • I saw this girl crying, so I asked what was wrong.“I split up with my boyfriend because he’s a sexist pig.”“I’m a great listener if you want to talk more,” I replied.“You don’t even know me,” she cried. “Why would you want to listen to me?”“Because you have massive tits!”

  • When I was a teenager my mum always used to say that my room was so messy that I’d never get any ‘self-respecting girl’ to go in there…Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after!

  • A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Show me your tits & then ask me the question again,” I replied.So she lifted up her top & bra and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Sorry love. I don’t smoke!”

  • To spice up our sex life I asked my wife to act like a naughty school girl…She forged a note from her mum saying she didn’t have to participate!

  • BREAKING NEWS…A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger!

  • I’m so unlucky in love…I once dated a blind girl who said she was seeing someone else!

  • I was getting on really well with this girl from work, so I asked her, “How would you like me to take you back to my place for a drink and a bit of fun?”She said, “That’s out of the question this week. I’m on my cycle!”I said, “That’s ok. I’ll follow you in my car!”

  • Some girls don’t like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings!

  • I went on a date last night with a hot girl who has eczema…Cracking tits!

  • I walked up to fat girl eating meals in McDonalds.I said, “You need a bit of me in your life.”“Do I now?” she blushed with a smile. “What’s your name?”I replied, “The name’s Power, Will Power!”

  • A member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone!

  • I was on the train earlier when I accidentally walked in on a girl using the bathroom. I quickly apologised and closed the door.“Can you get the fuck out?” she said.

  • My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know. She’s expecting a baby.”I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

  • Guys, get yourself an unvaccinated girl. You can’t take her to a restaurant and she’s not allowed in the clubs. Follow me for more money saving advice!

  • I said to my son, “Where are you going tonight all dressed up?” He said “I’m off to meet a girl.” I said, “Don’t forget to wear a, you know!” “Wear a what dad?” he said. “You know, put a hat on,” I said. “Do you mean a condom Dad?” he said. “No I mean a hat you ginger twat!”

  • A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting. After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we’d finished I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?” She said, “No. Only those who catch my eye!”

  • I met this wonderful girl and we had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, & she even laughed at my offensive jokes.I took her back to my place and she sat me down and stripped totally naked.And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common!

  • What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?Bernadette!

  • I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

  • A girl texts her mum. “Mum I need advice. I’ve got my boyfriend’s cum in my hair. Will I have to cut it out?”Mum: “Don’t worry you won’t have to cut it out. I’ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years. It will wash out.”Girl: “Sorry Mum. Bloody autocorrect. I meant gum!”

  • Sign at the pub, ‘Cheese roll £3.00, Ham sandwich £3.50, Hand job £10’.I said to the gorgeous barmaid, “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?”She said sexily, “Yes, that’s me.”I said, “Well wash your hands girl and make me a ham sandwich!”

  • The little girl next door was digging a hole in her backyard when I asked what she was doing.“I’m burying my pet bird,” she said.I asked, “Isn’t that a rather big hole, for such a little bird?”She replied, “Yeah, except he’s inside your fucking cat!”

  • Lionel Messi goes up to a girl in a club and says, “Get your coat, you’ve pulled.”She replies, “Wow, you’re a little forward!”

  • I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night…She ended up cooking my sock!

  • I took a girl home. We got kissing on the sofa & before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?”I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.”“Oh I see,” she winked. “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see?”“Yeah, my wife!”

  • A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”

  • My mate was the fittest person I knew. He went to the gym 7 days a week. Entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once.Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG!He met a girl, got married… …and now he’s a fat cunt just like the rest of us!

  • A girl visits her doctors & tells him she has a terrible discharge.“Take your knickers off, spread your legs & I’ll check it out.”She drops her knickers, opens her legs & he has a good feel around.“How does that feel?”“Bloody wonderful but the discharge is from my ears!”

  • A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Show me your tits & then ask me the question again”, I replied.So she lifted up her top & bra and said, “Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?”“Sorry love. I don’t smoke!”

  • I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…She didn’t know I existed!

  • I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, “This is where the magic happens babe.”She said, “Oh really? I’m getting excited now.”So I said, “Yes. Pick a card!”

  • As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn’t resist a quick glance up her short skirt.“Hey cheeky!” she said. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls skirts isn’t it?”“That’s ridiculous. I don’t work here!”

  • My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he would be coming into money…And last night he shagged a girl called Penny…How spooky is that!

  • Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu. I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch.I said, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”She said “No, but my mum isn’t expecting a blow job later.”I said, “Enjoy your meal sweetie!”

  • My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know. She’s expecting a baby.”I felt like a right fucking twat waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

  • I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, “Where the fuck did you get her from son? She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”I replied, “There’s no need to whisper Dad. She’s deaf as well!”

  • How do you tell what gender an ant is?Put it in water. If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant!

  • I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said, “You remind me of my little toe!” She said, “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied, “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table!”

  • I went Speed Dating once.“Have you got any pets?” one girl asked.“Yeah, a goldfish.”“Any hobbies?” she said.“Yes. He loves swimming!”

  • I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.I said, “I work with animals every day.”She said, “That’s so sweet. What do you do?”I replied, “I’m a butcher!”We never went on a second date!

  • I was in a club on last night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

  • I’ve worked in a carpet shop for years. Not once has a girl come in to ask for a magic carpet…However, last week I had a lad in!

  • I said to my son “Where are you going tonight all dressed up?” He said “I’m off to meet a new girl” I said “Don’t forget to wear a, you know” “Wear a what dad?” he said. “You know, put a hat on” I said. “Do you mean a condom Dad?” he said. “No I mean a hat you ginger twat!”

  • A girl goes to confession & says, “I’m pregnant.”“How did this happen my child?” asks the priest.“I think it must be the second coming.”The priest, shocked by the reply, asks, “What makes you think it’s the second coming?”She replies, “Because I swallowed the first one!”

  • I went to bed with a blind girl last night, and she said I had the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on…I said, “You’re pulling my leg!”

  • The girl I went on a date with tried to impress me by sticking her whole fist in her mouth…At that moment I knew then she was in for a night of disappointment!

  • After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect…Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!

  • I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, “You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever.”She said, “My boyfriend is right behind you.”“Good, I’m glad I’ve got his support!”

  • I rang Babestation last night. The girl on screen said, “Hi how can I help?” I said, “Fucking hide! I’ve lost the remote and my bird is coming down the stairs!”

  • That awkward moment when the girl you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind against her, but then you realise that she’s actually only dropped her earring……and that no one else in Starbucks can hear the music in your headphones!

  • I’m seeing this girl with eczema…She’s got a cracking body!

  • I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection!”But she did!

  • A builder says to a girl in a nightclub, “I have an 8″ penis & can make love all night.” The next morning she says, “You said you had an 8″ penis & could last all night but it was only 5” & you lasted only 3 mins. Builder replies, “I’m a builder. It was only a fucking estimate!”

  • I was having sex with a girl earlier. We did it doggy style and I lasted thirty minutes…That’s 4 mins 30 secs in human time!

  • I had sex with a girl last week in 1 minute 43 seconds.She said it was absolutely pathetic.I told her to give me a chance and I’ll do better next time.I shagged the same girl last night in 1 minute 12 seconds.Check me out! Beat it by 31 seconds!

  • When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.That’s relativity

  • I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

  • My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course…It’s a girl and she weighs 11lbs 4oz.

  • How do you get a country girls attention?A Tractor.

  • Beckham gets in a taxi and notices the driver looking in his mirror at him. After 2 mins the driver says Go on then give me a clue?Beckham replies I played for Man Utd and England and married a spice girl, is that enough?Driver says No I meant where are you going?

  • When my girl said yes to my marriage proposal, I began bawling uncontrollably.In fact she slipped and fell on the wet floor, slickened by my tears…I wept her off her feet!

  • I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.Eventually we drifted apart.

  • Never date a girl that plays tennisThey may be athletic, but love means nothing to them.

  • How do you get a country girls attentionA tractor.

  • My brother is dating a girl called Rosemary…I don’t know what he season her.

  • I was living on a house boat and fell in love with the Girl Next Door.But sadly, we drifted apart.

  • I used to date a girl with a lazy eye…I had to break up with her because I was always worried she was seeing someone on the side.

  • Why do archaeologists get all the girls?Because they have the best dating techniques.

  • How can I ask a girl to be my friend and avoid a relationship without being weird?I am asking for a friend.

  • I met a girl with 12 breasts. Seems strange.Dozen tit?

  • Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.She said no both times.

  • 2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 “girly” drinksBartender: ‘So that’s 4 pints of Stella?’

  • I once dated a girl with twelve nipples, sounds kinda weird…Dozen tit?

  • I broke up with a girl years ago because of her obsession with counting.I wonder what she’s up to these days.

  • My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.I said, That’s probably why.

  • I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.She was in charge of the hops.

  • A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.Schwepped her off her feet.

  • I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?Try the ATM outside, he said.

  • I once dated a girl with one leg shorter than the other.Her name was Eileen.

  • I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.I got angry and broke it off.

  • A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.“I am a turtle,” he says.“Who’s on your back?”“That’s Michelle.”

  • How do you get a farm girl’s attention?A tractor.

  • Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?Because he couldn’t resistor.

  • I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?Try the ATM outside, he said.

  • Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was.She replied Screw you!So I’m pretty excited for the new year!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *