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Girlfriend Jokes

  • Shipped some food to my former girlfriend because she was hungry. FedEx.


  • If your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings, she’s a keeper.

  • I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting. Sometimes I wonder what she’s up to now.

  • Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

  • My first girlfriend’s name was Ivy… she was all over me.

  • Facebook asks what I’m thinking…Twitter asks what I’m doing…Google asks where I am…The internet has turned into my girlfriend!

  • My girlfriend wants us to overhaul our John Lennon inspired dining room, by redecorating it as a Ribena themed room instead…Imagine all the purple!

  • When we’re in bed, my girlfriend likes two fingers. Sometimes she’ll take a third…And by that point, she might as well have the whole fucking KitKat!

  • “Doctor, I can’t seem to give my girlfriend an orgasm.”“Does she tell you what she likes?”“Yes.”“And what does she like?”“Other men!”

  • My new girlfriend says she hates lies, but judging from her reaction to my answer about the size of her arse in her new jeans, the truth doesn’t sit too well with her either!

  • I set up a secret camera in the bedroom to catch my girlfriend using her dildo but was surprised to see the dildo came with a full size man!

  • My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas!

  • My girlfriend said that she wasn’t very comfortable performing oral sex…So I bought her a pillow to kneel on!

  • I found it really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.Every time I told her I couldn’t see her any more, she moved a bit closer and said, “How about now?”

  • Calling your girlfriend San Marino because she kicks off every 5 minutes!

  • After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa she said, “Lets take this upstairs.”“Ok,” I said. “You grab one end and I’ll grab the other!”

  • My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size…So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink!

  • Hoping my mate’s girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December…No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas!

  • My new girlfriend said that I was terrible in bed…I said that it was unfair to judge in less than a minute!

  • Apparently, the clitoris and the penis are made of the same erectile tissue, meaning the clitoris can sometimes be as long as 6 cm.That’s according to my new Thai girlfriend, whose clitoris is fucking massive!

  • When I told my girlfriend I was looking at flights on the internet, she got very excited…Which was odd as she’s never shown an interest in darts before!

  • My mate has a new girlfriend who works as a bin lady…The trouble is he can never remember if he’s taking her out on a Wednesday or a Thursday!

  • My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.“I’m confident in you babe just do what you did in the test”, I said.She slowly started unzipping my pants!

  • I was sat next to my girlfriend last night bored to tears so I decided to go upstairs for a crafty wank…She followed me up after a couple of minutes, caught me and started a blazing argument. What a complete overreaction.Stupid bitch got us thrown off the bus!

  • I was sitting there watching tv and I saw my girlfriend twirling her long dark hair around her fingers and stroking it, and I thought, I’m sure her lady garden shouldn’t be that long!

  • Bought my girlfriend a fur coat made out of 3600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool…I couldn’t get her off the big wheel for 2 fucking days!

  • My girlfriend’s parents are coming for Sunday dinner. I’m going to make a nice joint…Then when I’ve smoked that, I’ll cook them beans on toast!

  • My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. I don’t understand the sudden change of heart, but who am I to ask. I’m so lucky…I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!

  • The girlfriend and I had our first shower together today.She could see I was a little nervous so said, “Relax, just do what you normally do.”So I had a piss!

  • Looking for a bit of advice. What’s the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine’s Day?6? 12? 24?Or the whole tin?

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