Girlfriend Jokes

Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a pee, I never know if she needs the toilet or she’s just hungry.

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.

My girlfriend’s been trying to help me with my finances. I think I’d be better off a loan.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring

After cribbing about yet another one of my Pranks, I told my girlfriend that she “Can’t take a Joke” “I let u put your cock in me don’t I” she replied.

My deaf girlfriend just told me to fuck off. That’s not a good sign.

I apologised to my girlfriend last night for not being able to get an erection. There were no hard feelings whatsoever.

My girlfriend just said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats. Meh.

My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

I finally came clean with my girlfriend. When she came into the room, I said, “I’m seeing another woman. “She said, “Oh, thanks. All I’ve changed is my hair.”

By and large, most of my girlfriends have been fat lesbians.

I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off. Nice bit of footage.

My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my “sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”. Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

I was in a bad place when my girlfriend broke up with me. A brothel.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on chlamydia. The librarian says, “You’re girlfriend already has it, she said that she gave it to you.”

Just found out that my sexy new girlfriend stays in shape by playing football. She’s a keeper.

I’ve made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap. She’s a bit clingy.

My girlfriend doesn’t think I can think fix the electric shower. Well, she’s in for a shock

My girlfriend woke up with a smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tips

I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.” “Bitch, please,” I said

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100 … … … a “10,” but imaginary

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed. … … It will be our joint account.

My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a D’ It vibrates It’s a girl’s best friend I’m pretty certain I know exactly what she’s getting at. A new dishwasher.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon… …. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up. “After all,” I say, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.” When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, “This is your thirty-second birthday.”

I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend. I’ve started seeing someone else.

My girlfriend said she was in such a foul mood. So I took her to KFC

My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, “Who’s the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?” “That’s my new girlfriend.” I replied. “Really?” he said, “You’ve kept that one quiet.”

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”