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Girlfriend Jokes

  • After my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I decided to start thinking about names. In the end I went for Juan Carlos and hopped on the next flight to Spain.


  • Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a pee, I never know if she needs the toilet or she’s just hungry.

  • My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.

  • My girlfriend’s been trying to help me with my finances. I think I’d be better off a loan.

  • How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring

  • After cribbing about yet another one of my Pranks, I told my girlfriend that she “Can’t take a Joke” “I let u put your cock in me don’t I” she replied.

  • My deaf girlfriend just told me to fuck off. That’s not a good sign.

  • I apologised to my girlfriend last night for not being able to get an erection. There were no hard feelings whatsoever.

  • My girlfriend just said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats. Meh.

  • My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

  • I finally came clean with my girlfriend. When she came into the room, I said, “I’m seeing another woman. “She said, “Oh, thanks. All I’ve changed is my hair.”

  • By and large, most of my girlfriends have been fat lesbians.

  • I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off. Nice bit of footage.

  • My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my “sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”. Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

  • I was in a bad place when my girlfriend broke up with me. A brothel.

  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on chlamydia. The librarian says, “You’re girlfriend already has it, she said that she gave it to you.”

  • Just found out that my sexy new girlfriend stays in shape by playing football. She’s a keeper.

  • I’ve made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap. She’s a bit clingy.

  • My girlfriend doesn’t think I can think fix the electric shower. Well, she’s in for a shock

  • My girlfriend woke up with a smile on her face this morning. I fucking love felt tips

  • I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.” “Bitch, please,” I said

  • I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

  • My girlfriend is the square root of -100 … … … a “10,” but imaginary

  • My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed. … … It will be our joint account.

  • My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a D’ It vibrates It’s a girl’s best friend I’m pretty certain I know exactly what she’s getting at. A new dishwasher.

  • My girlfriend is turning 32 soon… …. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up. “After all,” I say, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.” When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, “This is your thirty-second birthday.”

  • I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend. I’ve started seeing someone else.

  • My girlfriend said she was in such a foul mood. So I took her to KFC

  • My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, “Who’s the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?” “That’s my new girlfriend.” I replied. “Really?” he said, “You’ve kept that one quiet.”

  • My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty.”

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