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Girlfriend Jokes

  • There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?


  • I’m trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

  • When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was… well…promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.

  • Best thing ever is when you see your X-Girlfriend and she is now your XL-girlfriend

  • I texted my girlfriend “I love you” and she texted back “I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent “I love you moist”….I figured why correct it, it’s true too.

  • My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

  • My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

  • My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman…..What a Joker….

  • I saved my girlfriends phone number as LOW BATTERY’. Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

  • Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, “Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!” I just didn’t have the heart to tell her my battery just died.

  • When my girlfriend caught me cheating I told her I got HACKED but she didn’t believe me. I guess that only works on Facebook.

  • Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.

  • My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

  • Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump

  • I text-ed my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

  • Here’s a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!

  • How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

  • To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

  • “A man in New Zealand was sentenced to four months in jail for posting a naked picture of his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Jail is sort of like Facebook. You waste time; you write on your wall, you get poked by someone you hardly know…”

  • When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

  • Guys, if you are ever watching Indecent Proposal’ and your wife or girlfriend asks: “Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?” Just lie!!

  • I hate those p*nis enhancement emails. I got 10 today. What really hurt my feelings was 8 of them were from my girlfriend.

  • I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with “swag” and their duck-face girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust.

  • Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.

  • My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a bitch

  • Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you’re glad she doesn’t dress like that.

  • Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid

  • Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

  • A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.

  • They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I’m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

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