Girlfriend Jokes

I’ve got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn’t have minded, but I’ve borrowed my girlfriend’s cell phone for the day.

Facebook would be way cooler if it was on TV. : “In other news Brian’s ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11”.

Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.

Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks “hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names……ever.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

The sooner one of you ladies takes one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!

My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.

“She’s cute I swear, let me find a better picture.” Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.

My girlfriend told me I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman… What a joker!

The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.

My girlfriend always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbour.

If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous.

I tried to propose to my girlfriend from Thailand today but it went wrong. As soon as i got down on one knee she started undoing her skirt

My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

“You only want my daughter for one thing!” yelled my girlfriend’s mother. “That’s your fault for not teaching her to cook,” I said.

I’ve just broke up with my girlfriend. “It’s not you,” I said. “It’s me: I hate you.”

My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.

You always know when your girlfriend is too young for you, when you have to make the aeroplane noise when you stick your d*ck in her mouth!

Love’ is picking up tampons at the supermarket for your girlfriend. True love’ is inserting them.

My girlfriend told me I need to show a little more interest in her family. So I f*cked her sister.

My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I’m about to become a husband.

I phoned my girlfriend, and said, “I was thinking dinner in my place tonight, think you can make it?” She said, “I’ll be there at seven, babe.” I replied, “Make it five, the dinner won’t prepare itself.”

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, “your daughter” wasn’t the right answer.