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Girlfriend Jokes

  • At last I’ve managed to find my girlfriend’s G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?


  • I’ve got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn’t have minded, but I’ve borrowed my girlfriend’s cell phone for the day.

  • Facebook would be way cooler if it was on TV. : “In other news Brian’s ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11”.

  • Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.

  • Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks “hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names……ever.

  • My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

  • The sooner one of you ladies takes one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!

  • My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

  • I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

  • My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.

  • “She’s cute I swear, let me find a better picture.” Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.

  • My girlfriend told me I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman… What a joker!

  • The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

  • My girlfriend found a spot between her boobs this morning, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

  • A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

  • Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.

  • My girlfriend always cheats when we play board games, like last night, we were all playing Monopoly and she was next door fucking the neighbour.

  • If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

  • My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous.

  • I tried to propose to my girlfriend from Thailand today but it went wrong. As soon as i got down on one knee she started undoing her skirt

  • My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

  • “You only want my daughter for one thing!” yelled my girlfriend’s mother. “That’s your fault for not teaching her to cook,” I said.

  • I’ve just broke up with my girlfriend. “It’s not you,” I said. “It’s me: I hate you.”

  • My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.

  • You always know when your girlfriend is too young for you, when you have to make the aeroplane noise when you stick your d*ck in her mouth!

  • Love’ is picking up tampons at the supermarket for your girlfriend. True love’ is inserting them.

  • My girlfriend told me I need to show a little more interest in her family. So I f*cked her sister.

  • My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I’m about to become a husband.

  • I phoned my girlfriend, and said, “I was thinking dinner in my place tonight, think you can make it?” She said, “I’ll be there at seven, babe.” I replied, “Make it five, the dinner won’t prepare itself.”

  • My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, “your daughter” wasn’t the right answer.

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