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Glasses Jokes

  • Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I’ve ever seen.

    She danced up to me and said, “Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?”

    I said, “My glasses!”


  • Someone always jumps in front of me when I’m queuing at Tesco. Today it was a bloke wearing sunglasses…If he does it again I might kick his labrador!

  • My wife went ape shit at the babysitter last night coz she sat on my glasses and broke them…I probably should have taken them off first!

  • Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on!

  • Boobs are like the sun!Taking a quick look is fine, but staring isn’t…Then again, that’s what sunglasses are for!

  • I’m not wearing glasses anymore…I’ve seen enough!

  • It’s my old Mum’s birthday tomorrow and we are having some family around. I know that as we raise our glasses to her, she’ll be looking down on us and smiling…We really must get that stairlift fixed!

  • I went to the optician for some new glasses and he said, “I’m sorry, I can’t see you right now.”I’m thinking, maybe he needs some new glasses too!

  • My missus looks super hot without glasses…That’s why I stopped wearing them!

  • My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses earlier and broke them. I was really annoyed…But then I thought, it was probably my own fault for leaving them on!

  • A woman on eBay was trying to sell me a pair of knitted sunglasses…But you can’t pull the wool over my eyes!

  • Now pay attention 007. These Ray Ban sunglasses and Rolex watches are indistinguishable from the real thing…Now go wandering around the bars of Benidorm and try and flog as many as possible!

  • When I was younger, people told me that by drinking five glasses of milk, I would grow up stronger and be able to move walls…Well now I’m older, I can drink ten pints of beer and the walls move by themselves!

  • A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

  • An optimist says, the glass is half full. A pessimist says, the glass is half empty.An optometrist says, you both need glasses.

  • Has covid forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?If so, you may be entitled to condensation.

  • I’m not wearing glasses anymore.I’ve seen enough.

  • Tomorrow my son and I are getting new glasses. And after that?We’ll see.

  • Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

  • If you or a loved one has been forced to wear glasses and a face mask at the same time.They may be entitled to condensation.

  • Just so everybody’s clear.I’m going to put my glasses on.

  • I’m not wearing glasses anymore.I’ve seen enough.

  • Did you hear about the optician who made the biggest pair of glasses in the world?It was a huge spectacle!

  • I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glassesAnd then we’ll see.

  • Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?Everybody.

  • Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

  • Just so everybody’s clear.I’m going to put my glasses on.

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