Guide Jokes

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process. On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing. As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process. Wait a second, the future shift manager says, I know what the hiss, hiss is but whats with the pop noise every once in awhile? Oh, that he he. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process. said the guide It pokes a hole in every third condom. But that cant be good for the condoms! the observant shift manager replied. Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!

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MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) – The city’s tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions. The forms – with such lines as, “If we can tax it, we will,” – were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax. The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called “misguided” by city Finance Director John Lyons. Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500. Among the lines that city officials didn’t think were very funny was this one: “Free advice: if you don’t have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work.” Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These”, she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

Jungle Danger An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. “What are those drums?” asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said “No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop.” They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. “Do as I do! Very important!””intoned the guide with great urgency. “Why? What does this mean?” asked the panicked anthropologist. “Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!”

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) 1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed informationfrom his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He’s a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner’s Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These”, she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received the following reply: National Defence Headquarters MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we’ll be watching. Good luck and God bless you. Cordially, Gordon O’Connor

A Guide to Investments STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”. BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”). COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Cat’s guide to caring for your human Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time. CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive. COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops. FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair. MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior. TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine. Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.” “We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.” “Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.” “And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed. “No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”

On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were standing just inside St. Peter’s Basilica, the second largest church in the world. The tour guide explained, “This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, or even Mark McGuire.” My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics all around the enormous building. Then one girl interrupted the silence with an astonished question: “You mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?”

Politically Correct Guide To The Ladies She does not have thunder thighs; she develops a Child Rest Area Facility. She is not talkative; she is a Conversational Opportunist. She does not get lost all the time; she is Deceptively Directionally Challenged. You do not buy her a drink; you make a down payment on a recreational facility. She does not fart and belch; her closest pet is Gastronomically Expressive. She is not a gold digger; she prefers Economic Differential Relationships. She does not have a rich daddy; she is the poster child for the “Happily Ever After Foundation” She is not afraid of lack of commitment; she is Polygamously Challenged.

Politically Correct Guide To Guys He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange. He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy. He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

Guide To Office Language BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.I opened it up and the appendix was missing!

I’ve just written a book about falling down a staircase…It’s a step by step guide!

I’ve just written a book about falling down the stairs…It’s a step by step guide!

A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.

As I grow older and think of all those I’ve lost, maybe a career as tour guide wasn’t for me.

I have written a book on how to fall down the stairsIt’s a step by step guide.

I’ve been reading a book called How To Use A LadderWell, it’s more of a step-by-step guide.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.It’s a step by step guide.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way.Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.It’s a step by step guide.