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Hair Jokes

  • I was looking in the mirror this morning and noticed a tiny bald patch on the top of my head. It appeared out of thin hair.


  • Hi and welcome to the hidden chair club. Please find a seat.

  • I finally came clean with my girlfriend. When she came into the room, I said, “I’m seeing another woman. “She said, “Oh, thanks. All I’ve changed is my hair.”

  • My wives going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as a Rastafarian. She wants me to do her hair. I’m dreading it!

  • I’m so happy I finally tied the knot. Now I’ve just got to kick the chair she’s standing on and I’m a free man!

  • My wife was almost killed by a clock today, it fell onto the chair just as she stood up. Damn clock was always too slow.

  • 7 Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life…. The Doctor who tells her to “take off all her clothes.” The Dentist who tells her to “open wide.” The Milkman who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?” The Hairdresser who asks her “do you want it … Read more…

  • I hate having to brush my teeth every morning. I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

  • Scratching my head trying to recall… What was the name of that hair salon next to the graveyard? I’ve got it! It’s called “Curl Up and Dye.”

  • They’re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I’m dreading it.

  • The Mother Of All storms (Frankenstorm) is heading toward New York City… Trump better get out the hairspray.

  • Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

  • This polo shirt has two buttoning options: Uptight golf prick or disco chest hair.

  • Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?

  • RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

  • Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it…… but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.

  • “One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.”

  • You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive 3-pack’. Heck, I’m half way to sexy town

  • Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better. CAN’T WAIT!

  • Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.

  • I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said “I’m brushing my hair”. It would get about 50 likes.

  • My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

  • If you gave me a blowjob while in the shower, I’d probably shampoo and condition your hair while you do it.

  • Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

  • Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by down’ I mean over her face’.

  • My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair…

  • My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair….. Oh,, I think she’ll come crawling back soon..

  • Found an old playboy from the 70’s last night, I wonder why they didn’t call it hair club for men…

  • When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear… “Let’s order a pizza.”

  • My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

  • What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair.

  • I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.

  • I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

  • Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

  • Dad please dont mess my hair up and say love ya’ in public, I’m in a gang now

  • Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

  • Well, well, well…look who’s come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

  • A woman in New York is suing a Manhattan salon for $1.5 million over a bad haircut. The last time I saw a disaster like that with clippers was Donald Sterling.

  • Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fcuk me the pass the parcel was quick!

  • This morning some fit blonde asked for my seat on the bus so I replied, “There’s no chance in hell I’m getting up love.” “Why, is it because I’m not pregnant?” “No love, it’s because this is a wheelchair.”

  • I CAN’T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY

  • If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.

  • I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

  • Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Whose shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

  • The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

  • You hate me? Well okay, grab a chair and wait for me to care.

  • Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn’t want to talk about it, you’d better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen…for hours.

  • Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.

  • *Looking in the mirror* Fix hair. Check teeth. Fix hair. Check butt. Fix hair. Side check. Suck in. Side check. Fix hair. *Sighs* walks…

  • The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!

  • Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It’s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we’re out of napkins.

  • Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.

  • How much time did you spend on your hair before you took a selfie of your boobs?

  • I realised today after seeing gray hair in the mirror that my dream of being a child star will never happen.

  • If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.

  • I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

  • Willow Smith is 11 years old and has a tongue piercing, half of her hair shaved off, and is claiming to be bisexual? Sounds like somebody needs to move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

  • To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

  • A man didn’t like his haircut but it started to grow on him.

  • To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

  • Why do so many people with laser hair want to get it removed?

  • Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

  • Just out buying some new chairs for the house, sofa so good.

  • My mate got a job as a lion’s hairdresser at the zoo today. He is literally the mane man.

  • I’m thinking about getting a new haircut… I’m going to mullet over.

  • I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I was OK with it…Unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting!

  • Looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess, smoking a roll up, cocked her leg & let out a massive fart.“You’re a fucking mess!”She said, “I’m still the woman you love & married. Sometimes we do let ourselves go a bit.”“We’re on our fucking honeymoon!”

  • My hair keeps standing up every time I enter my mobile home…I think it must be one of those static caravans!

  • Me and my mate were admiring a picture of a famous actress.My mate said, “Look, if you take away her beautiful hair, her seductive blue eyes, her gorgeous breasts and her stunning figure, what are you left with?”“My fucking missus!” I replied.

  • I went to one of those Turkish baths on holiday…They shaved with razor-sharp blade below the neck line, snipped ear & nose hairs, waxed chest hairs & plucked all the arse crack hairs, finishing with a moustache trim & alcohol rub…Honestly, the wife’s never looked so good!

  • My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers, “What cut do you think would make me more attractive?”“A power cut”, was apparently was the wrong answer!

  • I’ve been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth…I think they might be trying to groom me!

  • Police are on the lookout after a man with facial hair has been seen breaking into farms at night and stealing cows…They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash!

  • I’m having a post hurricane garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time!

  • My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald…I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss!

  • I put my hair in a bun yesterday…That’s why I no longer work at Greggs!

  • If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, as I need to borrow some chairs!

  • I went Christmas shopping with the wife for a present for her mum.She said she wanted something electric…I suggested a chair!

  • I’m pretty good at most winter sports but I don’t have enough hair for curling!

  • I was sitting there watching tv and I saw my girlfriend twirling her long dark hair around her fingers and stroking it, and I thought, I’m sure her lady garden shouldn’t be that long!

  • Dad: “Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”Son: “Haha you can’t fool me again, a chair!”Dad: “Not this time. Our dog died!”

  • A girl texts her mum. “Mum I need advice. I’ve got my boyfriend’s cum in my hair. Will I have to cut it out?”Mum: “Don’t worry you won’t have to cut it out. I’ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years. It will wash out.”Girl: “Sorry Mum. Bloody autocorrect. I meant gum!”

  • Never trust an electrician with fuzzy hair!

  • After a 69 with my gf, I had a dentist appt. Didn’t want the dentist to know so brushed my teeth 5 times. I sat in the dentist chair & dentist asked, “Did you have 69 before you came here?” Shocked I said, “Why can smell it on my breath?” “No, but your forehead smells of arse!”

  • I’m having a garden sale tomorrow. I’ve got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels. New stuff arriving all the time! #StormDudley

  • I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.Obviously, it wasn’t called that…It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’!

  • I was so drunk last night, I literally crawled home and as I pulled myself up the front steps, my wife was waiting. “Sorry darling, I’m a little bit drunk,” I said. “Drunk? You left your wheelchair at the bloody pub again!”

  • I pulled out a nose hair to see if it hurt.Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, I’d say ‘yes’!

  • Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales, Llysthwycyyrigridarbrewthh…Sorry, had a hair in my mouth. I went to Swansea!

  • Just found out one of the most famous names in hairdressing has died…Poor old Vidal I didn’t expect him to go Sassoon!

  • If Jada Smith doesn’t like jokes about alopecia, well it’s hair loss!

  • Some people shave their heads for charity, but I decided instead to comb my hair in two opposite directions.I’m just trying to do my part!

  • I found my grandfather’s wig making machine in the attic…It’s a family hair loom!

  • I woke up with rice in my hair, ears and nose. Funny because I slept well, and went to sleep as soon as my head hit the pilau!

  • Just spent a lovely few days in Wales. I went to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.Sorry about that, had a hair in my throat. I went to Cardiff!

  • I text my wife today. “I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Drs examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.” She text back, “Who the fuck is Sarah?”

  • I drove up to Buckingham Palace and said to the guard, “Can you let me in I’ve got to cut Prince Williams hair.”He said, “Have you got a permit?”I said, “No just cut some off the back!”

  • At first my wife hated the revolving chair I bought, but then she sat on it…Eventually she came around!

  • My wife is leaving me because I’m beginning to go bald…I don’t mind. It’s hair loss!

  • I went to a dyslexic barbecue today…We all stood in a line and waited to get our hair cut!

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