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Halloween Jokes

  • Back in the days when he was a community organizer, Obama went to a Halloween costume party. He was just wearing his street clothes, and he had his wife sitting on his shoulders. The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume!” Obama replied, I am … Read more…


  • Halloween Dress Code: Men: super hero, monster, funny thing, famous people. Women: super whore, monster whore, funny whore, famous whore

  • Spoiler Alert: There will be a minimum of 4 “Gangnam Styles” at every party this Halloween.

  • Mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.

  • Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!

  • Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

  • This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.

  • If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo’s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it’s Halloween because our family reunion was in July….

  • Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!

  • I’ve been invited to the RNLI’s Halloween party… I’m quite looking forward to it. They really know how to push the boat out!

  • My mate said, “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”I asked, “Which is?”“Exactly!” he replied.

  • I’m not buying any apples for my Halloween party this year…That’ll save me a bob or two!

  • Brought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for halloween…There’s nothing sexual in it, but she’ll get a better grip on her broomstick!

  • Just thought I’d nip over to my grandma’s, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch…She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I’ll pop back next week!

  • “Of course I’ll attend your no alcohol, vegan Halloween party tonight…I’ll be dressed as the Invisible Man!”

  • I was thinking of going dressed as a band-aid for a Halloween party, but then decided against it…It would be really hard to pull off!

  • I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning but…I ain’t afraid of no toast!

  • Just thought I’d nip over to my grandma’s, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch…She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I’ll pop back next week!#Halloween

  • Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween…That should save me a bob or two!#Halloween

  • I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters…Oh here we go again, two dressed up as Policemen!#Halloween

  • Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask…At first I was afraid!#Halloween

  • I got so sick of the trick or treaters that I turned the lights off and pretended I wasn’t in…Fuck the ships. My lighthouse my rules!#Halloween

  • Went to a Halloween party at the pub last night, but took ages to get served as they only had a skeleton staff working!#Halloween

  • I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from. He said,I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

  • There’s only one thing that scares me at Halloween I said to my wife. Which is? she asked questioningly.Exactly, I replied.

  • I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.It wasn’t the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

  • I told me wife: There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween…My wife: Which is?Me: Exactly

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