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Hell Jokes

  • The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.


  • You would think that, if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

  • My phone tried to auto-correct “f*cking” to “f*ck king,” and I was like hell yeah I am.

  • As I pulled back the ring-pull on my 5th can of beer, I heard “Hello.” I thought to myself, “It must be the drink talking.”

  • Went to my psychologist and told him I feel like a pack of cards. He said hell deal with me later

  • You would think that if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.

  • My mate said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his balls. I said, “Fucking hell, How much did she charge you?”

  • Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl. “Bloody hell, Sherlock! What’d you think you’re doing bangin’ that chick. She looks like she’s in high school!” Sherlock replied, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

  • A girl is having sex with her boyfriend at her parent’s house. Her father, after being awakened by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. “Dad!” she exclaimed in a panic “… I’m sorry” The dad being a dad replies “Hello, Sorry! I’m Dad!” He then turns to the … Read more…

  • “Hello Kitty” should have been a brand of condoms…

  • Kissing is weird as hell. “Um I really like you so I’m going to taste the inside of your face for a little while.”

  • Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason.

  • How in the hell do Chinese people see when they’re high?

  • One women’s “oh hell no that’s gross” is another women’s “oh please do that again”.

  • The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

  • Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

  • Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won’t let see a picture of her you just took.

  • Hello! Is this the police ? POLICE: Yes! What’s Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What’s wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning…. Hurry!!!

  • God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought…to hell with it… Copy, paste, copy, paste

  • Man says to wife “what would you do if I won the lottery” Wife “take half and leave your ass” Husband “good, I won 12 bucks here is 6, now get the hell out.

  • Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall… knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

  • Who the hell invented Bull Riding? “Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

  • All new Hell’s Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

  • I’m not sure I understand What The Hell you’re talking about….But…..you’re showing cleavage, so I will listen.

  • Ever notice that after you and some friends order a pizza the only conversation you have is “where the hell is the pizza?”

  • Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

  • A drunk man’s reasoning; “What the hell, she’s only ugly in the face”

  • “You break it, you buy it”… Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walkout..

  • I’m not sure about you guys, but I’m pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

  • How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it’s right in front of them?!

  • Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

  • I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said “Yeah, pump 6.”

  • I remember your face, and I even remember what we talked about, but what the hell was your name again?!

  • I don’t mind people sneezing in public. It’s that “Pre-sneeze face” they make that scares the hell out of me.

  • Everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs…I’m drawn to them like a moth to a flame, just to make their lives a living hell

  • “Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?” “Sure.” “Great! Thanks for participating.”

  • Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!

  • The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”

  • What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.

  • There are two types of people I can’t stand. Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what the hell they’re whispering about.

  • “Ooh, a new friend request…who the hell is Iqbal???”

  • I told my Boyfriend; “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!” A short time later he comes back with six cartons of milk. I asked him, “Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had eggs.”

  • No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with

  • Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

  • This morning some fit blonde asked for my seat on the bus so I replied, “There’s no chance in hell I’m getting up love.” “Why, is it because I’m not pregnant?” “No love, it’s because this is a wheelchair.”

  • I was sitting watching Germany V Brazil in the World Cup Semi final when the Germans went 7-0 up…I said, “F*cking hell! You’d think the Germans would take their foot off the gas…” My Grandad just laughed.

  • My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.

  • Well, if you’re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.

  • I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that’s all I see, ugly is the new hot!

  • There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable…..

  • I can’t help but feel important when someone says there’s a special place in hell for people like me.

  • Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

  • Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.

  • Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.

  • “Hello 911?” “Someone just stole my status on Facebook… yes, I’ll hold.”

  • My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don’t have a little brother…

  • Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell’s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad

  • Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.

  • Woman without curves is like a road without bends…. You may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell.

  • Highways need 4 lanes per side. A racecar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.

  • If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.

  • Women are like Alarm Clocks. It’s such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.

  • I’m not sure he understands What The Hell I’m talking about….But…..Since I’m showing cleavage, he’s at least listening ;D

  • Today’s menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the f*ck up!

  • The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “IT’S NOT WORKING, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I’M GOING TO MOTHERS ” I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

  • Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log in and start posting. Hello, darlings.

  • Hello mother. Hello father. Here I am at Camp Marijuana. Crack is good, but weed is better, I’m so f*cked up, a friend wrote this letter.

  • I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn’t a “Oh Hell No!” Button!!!

  • Crap….all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

  • How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

  • Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

  • I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

  • I can give you the cause of an anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

  • How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

  • Why do crabs never give to charity?Because they’re shellfish.

  • Argon walks into a bar. The barman says “Get the hell out!” Argon doesn’t react.

  • My wife… its difficult to say what she does… She sells seashells on the seashore.

  • I took the shell off of my racing snail to see if it went any faster. If anything though, it just made it more sluggish.

  • Why did Adele cross the road?To say hello from the other side!

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty bastard, that stinks!”It must have been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread and got blown into a pub!

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread last night and got blown into a pub!

  • Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me…I said, “What the hellmann?”

  • “Fucking hell!” said my boss as I walked into work today. “What the fuck did you drink last night?”“Nothing” I replied. “Why?”He said, “You absolutely stink of alcohol!”“That’ll probably be the 4 cans I had on the bus this morning then!”

  • The average person has sex 89 times a year…This is gonna be one hell of a week!

  • I met a chunky lass in the pub last night.She looked into my eyes and said, “Hello, I’m Anita.”I looked at her stomach and said, “Yes, you certainly fucking are!”

  • Fifty Shades of Grey – Premature Ejaculators Edition.Chapter 1. “Hello there,” she said, gazing at him seductively.The End!

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some milk and got blown into a pub! #StormEunice

  • Went to put some petrol in the car today at pump 3. Pulled up and noticed the person before me had put just £10 in their car…Where the hell they going on £10? To pump 4?

  • My girlfriend asked me to check a notification on her phone. I asked her what her password was and she said it was easy – her birthday…Fucking hell. Please help!

  • I was eating a bag of crisps earlier and on the back of the packet it said ‘Not to be sold separately.’I thought, ‘Who the hell buys just one crisp?’

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty bastard, that stinks!”It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time today.I waved to them, but the ignorant arseholes didn’t even say hello.They just sat, and eagerly awaited my guilty verdict as I stood up in court!

  • Someone told me that if you hold up a Shell, you can hear the sea…When I did it, I got 5 years for armed robbery!

  • I’ve been told that my holiday to Sydney is now in jeopardy…Where the hell is jeopardy?

  • Just saw our next door neighbour getting a bunch of flowers delivered.I said, “Nice flowers love.”She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be spending all weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air now.”I said, “Bloody hell, get the tight bastard to buy you a fucking vase!”

  • I phoned the doctors surgery earlier and the doctor answered.I said, “Hello Doctor. Is the receptionist there? I need some medical advice!”

  • My wife phoned me and spoke in a furious tone, “Where the hell are you?”I said, “You know that jewellery store where you saw that necklace that you really really wanted?”“Yes, I remember,” she said excitedly.I replied, “I’m at that tool shop right next door!”

  • I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, “Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks!”It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!

  • Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

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