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Horse Jokes

  • A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him. His condition is described as stable.


  • I was at the track yesterday. I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

  • Cant’ believe my horse came first yesterday!!’ Dad, how many times have I told you i’m not interested in your’s and Camilla’s bedroom antics!’

  • I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.

  • I bought a race horse and decided to call it “MY FACE”. Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting “COME ON MY FACE”!!

  • My horse had a win at the races today. Fuck knows how he filled in the betting slip.

  • I have a horse named mayo… Mayo neighs.

  • There was a handyman who had a dog called Mace’ that thought he was part horse as he had the peculiar habit of eating grass… he was just as good, if not better than a lawnmower! … … Anyway, one day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass around where he was working … Read more…

  • A Red Indian introduced me to his wife… “This is four horses…..” I said, Wow, that’s a beautiful name, What does it mean….?” He said, nag,nag,nag,nag!

  • The Kentucky Derby’s was last weekend, and officials were on the lookout for trainers who give their horses Viagra to make them run faster. Remember the old days when the horse would just win by a nose?

  • For your information, we’ll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was entertaining to look at.

  • Listen, I’m sorry… That reaction was WAY over the line…. I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on….

  • My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now they’re all at the gate and they’re off!

  • If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she’s 70, it’ll be a giraffe!

  • Friend: “What’s a good movie?” Me: “Snakes on a plane” Friend: “Whats it about?” Me: “Horses… horses on a boat”

  • And breaking news, a man has been rushed to hospital after having 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass. He is in a stable condition.

  • I don’t have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

  • How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

  • The England squad have been receiving death threats and this morning they awoke to find a horses head. Fortuneatly, it was only Wayne Rooney asleep.

  • Queen Elizabeth’s horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse’s urine sample with Prince Harry’s.

  • the good news is the doctor says I’m healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me….

  • There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

  • A horse walks into a bar. “Too late,” says the bartender, “we’re joking about the pope now.”

  • Hung like Einstein smart as a horse… Thanks dad.

  • Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

  • Black beauty… He’s a dark horse.

  • A man went to A&E at the weekend who swallowed 12 plastic horses. Don’t worry the doctors describe his condition as stable.

  • I keep having a recurring dream where I think I’m a horse…That’s 5 nights on the trot!

  • Yesterday I had passionate and thrilling sex with my wife on the back of a horse…Then, all the angry parents chased us off the merry-go-round!

  • I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit’s feet…I thought ‘He’s pushing his luck!’

  • I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn, but now I’ve managed to conker my fear!

  • Apparently there’s a new horsemeat scandal with the budget supermarkets…I bought Waitrose reindeer steaks, Tesco turkey and Lidl Donkey!

  • My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing…She’s at the gate, and she’s off!

  • I’ve just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi…It’s brilliant. It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men!

  • My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession…I’d better fetch the suitcase from the van!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”

  • I just saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit’s feet…I thought, ‘Well he’s pushing his luck!’

  • I’m having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse…Last five nights on the trot!

  • My wife has just left me due to my love of horse racing…She’s at the gate, and she’s off!

  • I was watchin an 18-rated film when my little boy walked in.He said, “Dad, I’m scared. Is that lady going to die?”I said, “Probably son, judging by the size of the cock on that horse!”

  • Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb…I have to say, I still prefer custard!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”#GrandNational2022

  • Put a bet on 3 horses yesterday – Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times…Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie!#GrandNational2022

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!#GrandNational2022

  • To be fair, Ukraine could’ve entered Gary Glitter singing “My lovely horse” and still won! #Eurovision #Eurovision2022

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!

  • Somebody recommended that I put a bet on a horse called Landfill…It was a rubbish tip!

  • I have a horse that only likes running at certain times in the evening…She’s a nightmare!

  • I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit’s feet…I thought, ‘Well he’s pushing his luck!’

  • I call my horse Mayo.And sometimes Mayo Neighs.

  • A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.His condition has been described as stable.

  • My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.And they’re off!

  • Trojan isn’t a good name for a condom.Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

  • My wife and kids are threatening to leave, because of my obsession with horse-racing.The gate’s open – and they’re off!

  • What kind of horses come out after the sun sets?Nightmares.

  • In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.How the stables have turned.

  • Horse walks into a bar.Bartender: Hey.Horse: Sure.

  • My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.I’m looking out the window at them now……….. and they’re off.

  • 100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars.Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses.Oh how the stables have turned.

  • In Greek mythology, Chiron is a half-man half-horse who had great knowledge of medicine and health.So he’s a centaur for disease control.

  • My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

  • My horse has insomnia and keeps everyone awake.She’s a nightmare.

  • My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

  • My horse will only come out its stable when it gets dark.It’s becoming a night mare.

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