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Horse Jokes

  • I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn, but now I’ve managed to conker my fear!


  • Apparently there’s a new horsemeat scandal with the budget supermarkets…I bought Waitrose reindeer steaks, Tesco turkey and Lidl Donkey!

  • My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing…She’s at the gate, and she’s off!

  • I’ve just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi…It’s brilliant. It comes with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men!

  • My wife is throwing me out because of my Only Fools and Horses obsession…I’d better fetch the suitcase from the van!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”

  • I just saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit’s feet…I thought, ‘Well he’s pushing his luck!’

  • I’m having this recurring dream where I think I’m a horse…Last five nights on the trot!

  • My wife has just left me due to my love of horse racing…She’s at the gate, and she’s off!

  • I was watchin an 18-rated film when my little boy walked in.He said, “Dad, I’m scared. Is that lady going to die?”I said, “Probably son, judging by the size of the cock on that horse!”

  • Someone told me to try horse manure on my rhubarb…I have to say, I still prefer custard!

  • I was at the horse racing this weekend. Minding my own business, this bloke sidled up to me and said, “Pssst do you want the winner of the next race?”I said, “No thanks mate, I’ve only got a small garden!”#GrandNational2022

  • Put a bet on 3 horses yesterday – Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times…Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie!#GrandNational2022

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!#GrandNational2022

  • To be fair, Ukraine could’ve entered Gary Glitter singing “My lovely horse” and still won! #Eurovision #Eurovision2022

  • My wife and daughter are both moving out because of my obsession for horse racing…They’re both at the gate now, and they’re off!

  • Somebody recommended that I put a bet on a horse called Landfill…It was a rubbish tip!

  • I have a horse that only likes running at certain times in the evening…She’s a nightmare!

  • I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit’s feet…I thought, ‘Well he’s pushing his luck!’

  • I call my horse Mayo.And sometimes Mayo Neighs.

  • A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.His condition has been described as stable.

  • My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.And they’re off!

  • Trojan isn’t a good name for a condom.Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

  • My wife and kids are threatening to leave, because of my obsession with horse-racing.The gate’s open – and they’re off!

  • What kind of horses come out after the sun sets?Nightmares.

  • In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.How the stables have turned.

  • Horse walks into a bar.Bartender: Hey.Horse: Sure.

  • My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.I’m looking out the window at them now……….. and they’re off.

  • 100 years ago everybody rode horses around, and only the wealthy could afford cars.Today everybody drives cars, and only the wealthy can afford horses.Oh how the stables have turned.

  • In Greek mythology, Chiron is a half-man half-horse who had great knowledge of medicine and health.So he’s a centaur for disease control.

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