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Hospital Jokes

  • Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital…one’s in a korma.. The other’s got a dodgy tikka!


  • I was admitted to hospital suffering a severe case of sexual frustration but after 48 hours I discharged myself.

  • A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him. His condition is described as stable.

  • Do you like hot women that scream in bed? Check out the burns unit at the hospital.

  • 2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital…one’s in a korma..

  • Just realized, We stare at screens, have fake farms, cities and animals and poke people.Think about it. Facebook is a mental hospital and we’re the patients.

  • Next time you’re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.

  • The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.

  • And breaking news, a man has been rushed to hospital after having 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass. He is in a stable condition.

  • An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient

  • If the wife uses dual sim phone, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as “Wife1” and “Wife2” ~ A husband from hospital

  • Me “Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg.” Her “Who’s Donna??”

  • A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: All we did was correct his eyesight’

  • Please excuse yesterday’s disruption due to a boiler room incident. Handyman Bill is hospitalized and we are dreading a full recovery.

  • My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a large red mark on his face. I said “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

  • A man was rushed to hospital after choking on a handful of chocolate-coated toffees, orange cremes and raisins…He was pronounced dead on A Revel!

  • Just parked the car at the hospital, when an attendant says to me, “You can’t park there, that’s for badge holders only.”I replied “That’s okay, I’ve got a bad shoulder!”

  • A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?”His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, “Yes.”He asks, “Who’s is it?”His wife replies, “Yours!”

  • Pray for my Mother-In-LawShe’s been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn’t stung…I was too quick with the spade!

  • Cancelling my surgery would mean losing out on the hospital’s fish dinner…It was a missed op or tuna tea!

  • A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a groundbreaking operation of having two pigs ear grafted on in place.A hospital spokesperson said, “The operation was a success and the man can hear, though he’s experiencing a lot of crackling!”

  • I went fishing today and ate my maggots by mistake…Now I’m waiting in hospital with baited breath!

  • As I regained consciousness in hospital from last night’s car crash, the doctors were trying to convince me I’m actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity…But I wasn’t Bjorn yesterday!

  • Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident…They put me in the ICU!

  • I’m in hospital. Dont Panic. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb…Doctors say I’ll be out in the spring!

  • I recently suffered a brain haemorrhage. When I woke up in hospital afterwards, the only parts of my body that still worked were my right arm and my cock…I managed to discharge myself the same day!

  • Just been sacked from my job as a hospital porter…They accused me of pushing people around!

  • I went to hospital yesterday to have an operation and there was a sign in the car park saying ‘Thieves operate here’.Personally I prefer doctors, so I left!

  • My neighbour was rushed into hospital with a golf ball up his backside…The Doctor said it’s gone up a fairway!

  • Just wanted everyone to know that I have been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in.I have only gone and poisoned myself with what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb…They said I should be out sometime in the spring!

  • Landlord at my pub said, “Why are you looking so happy?” I replied, “The wife just had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that would bring a smile to most men’s faces.”He said, “Breast enlargement?”I said, “Nah, post-mortem!”

  • I text my wife today. “I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Drs examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.” She text back, “Who the fuck is Sarah?”

  • What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?You think you’re fully covered, but you’re not!

  • A man was run over by a steam roller today…Hospital staff say friends and family can visit him in wards 8, 9 and 10!

  • My first day back at the gym today went well. I did 20 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes on the defibrillator and then 3 days in the hospital!

  • A bloke in hospital is recovering from laser eye surgery.The surgeon comes in and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first.The bloke excitedly asks for the good news.The surgeon says, “Well, you are about to get a new fucking dog!”

  • After watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do, and had a wank… The midwife wasn’t happy though and I’m now banned from the hospital!

  • I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night…I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen!

  • As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes!”

  • A man wakes up in the hospital and starts yelling, “I can’t feel my legs I can’t feel my legs.” The doctor runs in and says, “I know I had to amputate your arms!”

  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

  • A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.His condition has been described as stable.

  • I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

  • At the hospital I was admitted to, apple costs $2, pumpkin $3 and blueberry $4 per slice.Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

  • My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital.I named him Carson.

  • Our dad was in the hospital and they asked us his blood type but we couldn’t remember and he didn’t make it.As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it’s hard without him.

  • Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.They put me in the ICU.

  • Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident.They put me in the ICU.

  • My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

  • Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound guy.Who takes over when he’s on holiday? The hip replacement guy.

  • Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.They put me in the ICU.

  • I accidently drank invisible ink.I’m now in the hospital waiting to be seen.

  • My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

  • I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

  • I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

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