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Kitchen Jokes

  • Some women are real drama queens during PMS They complain, shout, pout, argue, cry, sulk, call in sick, throw kitchen utensils … … I think they are just OVARYacting


  • I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. … …. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

  • Wonders why women spend so much on sunglasses? Wouldn’t it be cheaper to tint the kitchen windows?

  • My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

  • All new Hell’s Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

  • Men, if you’re looking to spoil your lady this christmas, make sure there’s WIFI in the kitchen, chicks love WIFI in the kitchen.

  • I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night …After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

  • Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it’s real

  • This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is funny and spontaneous’, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.

  • Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

  • I don’t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I’m in my underwear making a sandwich.

  • The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

  • Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell’s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad

  • By the volume of the pans clanging and slamming in the kitchen… I think I’m supposed to be volunteering to help with something

  • I like to have sex in the kitchen so she doesn’t have to walk to far to make me a sandwich after. You know, because I’m a gentleman.

  • I tried cooking with wine tonight, after five glasses, I forgot why I was even in the kitchen

  • We regret that the urine sample cups were mistakenly left by the kitchen and are investigating who placed the “free gatorade” sign up.

  • I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen yesterday.All I said was,”Hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!”

  • The wife was in the kitchen cooking me bacon and eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do…Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an alll day breakfast for just £3.99!

  • Yesterday we played the Christmas edition of Cluedo…Our lass murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

  • Met a prostitute last night who said she’d do anything for £20…Guess who’s just had their kitchen painted!

  • Last night I was sprawled out on the sofa watching TV when my wife called from the kitchen, “What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”I said, “I’ll have chicken please.”She replied, “You’re having soup you fat bastard. I was talking to the cat!”

  • Had a load of mates round for a party and someone threw up in the kitchen sink…Nobody wants to own up to it so I guess I’m going to have to get the friends sick detective round!

  • I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen…Pop round anytime. The kettle’s always on!

  • I went into the kitchen earlier and saw Dudley making a pot of tea.I thought to myself, ‘Oh fuck, there’s a storm brewing!’#StormDudley

  • Today, my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly…Tomorrow, I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom!

  • I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen yesterday…All I said was, “Hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!”

  • A woman walks into the kitchen to find her fella with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.“Hunting flies”, he said. “Killed any?” she asks. “Yep 3 males & 2 females.”Intrigued she says, “How can you tell them apart?”“3 were on a beer can & 2 were on the phone!”

  • The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is totally wrong…The rest of the house needs to be cleaned as well!

  • My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table…I had to get a running start but I made it!

  • My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.I had to get a running start but I made it.

  • What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen?Linoleum Blownapart.

  • I visited a monastery and as I walked by the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him Are you the friar?He replied No I’m the chip monk.

  • The police raided the kitchen of a restaurant where the chef was preparing Eggs Benedict.He was arrested for poaching.

  • My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!

  • My ability to remember song lyrics from the ‘80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I usually walk into the kitchen.

  • My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.I had to get a running start but I made it.

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