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Knickers Jokes

  • Hey! I got a new job working in quality control at a knickers factory! I’ll be pulling down about 800 a week.


  • I just saw two blind and deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands down one anothers knickers…..I think they were lip reading?

  • My wife has asked me to stop writing jokes about her big knickers…But there’s such a lot of material!

  • The actor who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has announced that his female lingerie business has been a total failure…In hindsight, maybe Shatner Knickers wasn’t the best name for the venture!

  • Brought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for halloween…There’s nothing sexual in it, but she’ll get a better grip on her broomstick!

  • Two female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them.”The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

  • Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Christmas.The front says, “I will do anything for love.”On the rear it says, “But I won’t do that!”

  • I was in the barbers this morning. The barber said, “I’ve finished, would you like anything on it?”I said, “Yes a pair of knickers, as you’ve made me look like a right cunt!”

  • I can’t wait to get home to rip my wife’s knickers off…Quite frankly they’re way too small for me!

  • Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex. “Tell me if you’re wearing any knickers,” I said. “Actually, I’m not.” she replied. “Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?” I asked provocatively. “Having a shit,” wasn’t really the answer I was looking for!

  • As I was sitting alone at the bar, a woman came and sat opposite me and spread her legs wide revealing crotchless panties under her mini skirt “Want some of that?”, she winked. “Fuck no!” I replied. “Look what it has done to your knickers!”

  • I took a girl home. We got kissing on the sofa & before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?”I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.”“Oh I see,” she winked. “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see?”“Yeah, my wife!”

  • A girl visits her doctors & tells him she has a terrible discharge.“Take your knickers off, spread your legs & I’ll check it out.”She drops her knickers, opens her legs & he has a good feel around.“How does that feel?”“Bloody wonderful but the discharge is from my ears!”

  • I was buying my wife some underwear. I asked the shop assistant, “Are these knickers satin?”“No,” she said. “They’re brand new!”

  • I knocked on my neighbours door earlier, and said, “Can you have my children? I’ll be no longer than a few minutes.She said, “Yeah, no problem.”I said, “Great! Get your knickers off then!”

  • 2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he’ll fetch them”. The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

  • I phoned the NHS line today and said, “I’m having a real problem getting an erection.”“Well we’re here to help you as much as we can sir,” the woman replied.“Fucking great,” I said . “What colour knickers are you wearing?”

  • I came out of the toilet, did up my zip and said, “I’d give it ten minutes.”My wife said, “Urgh, have you done a smelly shit?”I said, “No, your sister’s putting her knickers back on!”

  • When I arrive home last night my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open. I said to her, “Are you wearing crotchless knickers?”“Oh, yes!” she replied with a little smile.I said, “Thank fuck for that. I thought the sofa had burst!”

  • BREAKING NEWSA lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the motorway. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers!

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