Machine Jokes

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

A blonde cleaning-woman phones a fax machine manufacturer, and asks to speak to Jack. “Nobody called Jack works here,” says their switchboard operator. “But I must speak to him so that I can clean the fax machine!” insists the blonde. “Can I help with anything?” “No, only Jack.” “But why?” The blonde explains: “They told … Read more…

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

I come from a musical family. Even our sewing machine was a singer.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

Why won’t the machines just take over already? I’m tired of doing stuff.

“If you’re building a time machine, Take your time. what’s the rush?”

If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

I just read about this student at MIT who’s created a new robot that can play Connect Four. Yes, an emotionless machine that can occasionally sit down and play a board game with you, or as I called that growing up my Dad.

If I had a time machine, I’d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

Vending machines are so homophobic. I’m sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.

An optician fell into a lens grinding machine and made quite a spectacle of himself.

The man who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!

Deciding to turn off my mother-in-laws life support machine was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done…The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

I just had a call to say my brother was crushed to death at work when the coffee machine fell on him…At least it was instant!

If anyone knows any good fruit machine jokes, give me a nudge!

I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine…At least he died in Comfort!

I know loads of jokes about cash machines…I just can’t think of one atm!

Broken quiz machine for sale, £10. No questions asked!

I found my grandfather’s wig making machine in the attic…It’s a family hair loom!

The man who invented the tennis ball serving machine had his birthday today…Many happy returns!

Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it…He is due to be bailed on Friday!

Thinking about becoming a McDonald’s milkshake machine so I never have to work again!

The bloke who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!

My wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and it hasn’t broken down since…It goes to show it’s true what they say in the advert, “Washing machines live longer with cow gone!”

My missus called me a sex machine last night…Well, her actual words were “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant!

What does a copier machine have on its toast in the morning?Paper jam.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?He’s fully recovered.

A mate of mine just got a washing machine which is WiFi enabled.I told him not to let it on social media or it’ll air all his dirty laundry.

I’ve just invented a machine which can create facsimiles of prosthetic appendages.It’s a faux-toe-copier.

Did you know that dogs can’t operate an MRI machine?But cats can.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machinesBut Catscan

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.He’s a Singer songwriter.

I made a device that travels to the past to make sure food is properly seasoned.I call it my Thyme Machine.

What time machine?Watch out for the time machine!

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.I just can’t think of one atm.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?Try the ATM outside, he said.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?Try the ATM outside, he said.