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Machine Jokes

  • The bloke who invented the time machine has died. RIP Dave Jones. 1974 1746.


  • My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

  • A blonde cleaning-woman phones a fax machine manufacturer, and asks to speak to Jack. “Nobody called Jack works here,” says their switchboard operator. “But I must speak to him so that I can clean the fax machine!” insists the blonde. “Can I help with anything?” “No, only Jack.” “But why?” The blonde explains: “They told … Read more…

  • I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

  • I come from a musical family. Even our sewing machine was a singer.

  • Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

  • You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

  • Why won’t the machines just take over already? I’m tired of doing stuff.

  • “If you’re building a time machine, Take your time. what’s the rush?”

  • If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

  • I just read about this student at MIT who’s created a new robot that can play Connect Four. Yes, an emotionless machine that can occasionally sit down and play a board game with you, or as I called that growing up my Dad.

  • If I had a time machine, I’d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

  • Vending machines are so homophobic. I’m sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.

  • Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.

  • An optician fell into a lens grinding machine and made quite a spectacle of himself.

  • The man who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!

  • Deciding to turn off my mother-in-laws life support machine was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done…The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

  • I just had a call to say my brother was crushed to death at work when the coffee machine fell on him…At least it was instant!

  • If anyone knows any good fruit machine jokes, give me a nudge!

  • I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine…At least he died in Comfort!

  • I know loads of jokes about cash machines…I just can’t think of one atm!

  • Broken quiz machine for sale, £10. No questions asked!

  • I found my grandfather’s wig making machine in the attic…It’s a family hair loom!

  • The man who invented the tennis ball serving machine had his birthday today…Many happy returns!

  • Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it…He is due to be bailed on Friday!

  • Thinking about becoming a McDonald’s milkshake machine so I never have to work again!

  • The bloke who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!

  • My wife kept breaking the washing machine, so I divorced her and it hasn’t broken down since…It goes to show it’s true what they say in the advert, “Washing machines live longer with cow gone!”

  • My missus called me a sex machine last night…Well, her actual words were “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant!

  • What does a copier machine have on its toast in the morning?Paper jam.

  • Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?He’s fully recovered.

  • A mate of mine just got a washing machine which is WiFi enabled.I told him not to let it on social media or it’ll air all his dirty laundry.

  • I’ve just invented a machine which can create facsimiles of prosthetic appendages.It’s a faux-toe-copier.

  • Did you know that dogs can’t operate an MRI machine?But cats can.

  • Dogs can’t operate MRI machinesBut Catscan

  • My friend writes songs about sewing machines.He’s a Singer songwriter.

  • I made a device that travels to the past to make sure food is properly seasoned.I call it my Thyme Machine.

  • What time machine?Watch out for the time machine!

  • I know loads of jokes about cash machines.I just can’t think of one atm.

  • I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?Try the ATM outside, he said.

  • I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?Try the ATM outside, he said.

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