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Magic Jokes

  • Mexican magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos..” *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.


  • Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a magic spell’ that would supposedly make women want to have sex with me. Worked like a fucking charm.

  • I just performed an illusion in front of a group of horrified onlookers in the middle of Oxford. I grabbed hold of my penis, completely severing it from my body and held it above my head. It’s the first time I’d performed any magic in public and to be honest, I can’t believe I pulled … Read more…

  • I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

  • What do you call a Magician’s dog? A Labracadabrador.

  • YOUR LISTENING TO MAGIC FM……..pick a frequency, any frequency

  • I call my bedroom the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

  • The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”

  • Love is a lot like magic, both are fake and there’s always some asshole trying to ruin the illusion for you.

  • My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

  • No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything.

  • Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That’s your age.

  • My wife’s a magician. She can turn anything into an argument.

  • My magic watch say’s you don’t have any underwear on… Oh, you do?… It must be 15 minutes fast.

  • I met a girl in a bar last night and she said she wanted the night to be magical…. So I fucked her and disappeared.

  • When I give people a tour of my bedroom, I like to say, “And this is where the magic happens,” followed by a sad, “… magic isn’t real.”

  • I was surprised to read that an African doctor treating Ebola patients had died from the disease. Surely he could have stayed a safe distance from the patient while he danced and waved his magic bone.

  • I dreamt I was in a very magical world where people didn’t get butthurt over every little f*cking joke. Weird huh?!?!

  • The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

  • All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

  • For my next magic trick i’ll need a condom and a volunteer.

  • A magician was driving down the street… Then he turned into a driveway.

  • A Mexican magician tells his audience “I’ll disappear on the count of three.” He counts down “Uno..dos..” and he disappears without a tres.

  • Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

  • BREAKING: Magicians’ assistants are more likely to lose their lives during the pandemic due to huge spikes in cases!

  • I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts, and then I blend them altogether with some parmesan and olive oil…Then, hey… pesto!

  • I was in bed with a woman and she said, “I want tonight to be magical!” And it was…After we had sex, I disappeared!

  • BREAKING NEWSAladdin has been stripped of his Olympic gold medal for the magic carpet marathon. Apparenty he was using performance enhancing rugs!

  • I brought a girl back to my house, took her up to my bedroom and said, “This is where the magic happens babe.”She said, “Oh really? I’m getting excited now.”So I said, “Yes. Pick a card!”

  • BREAKING NEWSAladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race…Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs!

  • What do you call a magical bra?An abracadabra!

  • I come from a family of failed magicians… I have 2 half sisters!

  • A spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3…He says, “Uno, dos…” and then poof… he disappeared without a tres!

  • I’ve worked in a carpet shop for years. Not once has a girl come in to ask for a magic carpet…However, last week I had a lad in!

  • What do you call a magic dog?A labracadabrador!

  • What do you call a magician who loses his magic??Ian.

  • What do you call a cute dog who’s a magician?A labracadabradorable.

  • What do you call a dog magician?A labracadabrador.

  • What do you call a magical dog?A labra-cadabra-dor.

  • I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, I wish I could be you.The Genue saud, Weurd wush but U wull grant ut.

  • What do you call a Magician who lost his magic?ian.

  • Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs.

  • I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said I wish I could be you.The genue saud, weurd wush but U wull grant ut.

  • A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3.He says Uno, Dos…. Poof.He disappeared without a tres.

  • What did the magician say to the fisherman?Pick a cod, any cod.

  • A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3.He says:Uno, Dos…Poof.He disappeared without a tres.

  • What do you call a magical bra?An abracadabra.

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