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Missus Jokes

  • The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.


  • Today I realised I really want to tie the knot with the missus. Anyone know where I can find instructions for noose tying?

  • Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.

  • My missus is leaving me because of my obsession with TV Police dramas…For the benefit of the tape, she just left the room!

  • The missus asked me what would stop the stairs squeaking…Apparently suggesting she should go to Weight Watchers was the wrong answer!

  • The missus got scammed the other day by a woman called Anna. She got her to invest in a snake farm in India…Anna conned her!

  • Me and my mate were admiring a picture of a famous actress.My mate said, “Look, if you take away her beautiful hair, her seductive blue eyes, her gorgeous breasts and her stunning figure, what are you left with?”“My fucking missus!” I replied.

  • My missus has decided to leave me because of my obsession with sliced bread…Such a shame as we have been through thick and thin together!

  • The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.“How hard is it?” I asked.She cheekily replied, “As hard as your knob when you’re thinking about me naked.”I said, “Ok, pour me a glass!”

  • The missus has just had a right pop at me saying that all I do is push her buttons…You would think after 30 years I would have found the fucking mute!

  • Me and the missus are having laser eye surgery tomorrow. I’m not sure we’ll enjoy it…But we’ll see!

  • I said to the missus, “I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son.”She said, “It’s natural you daft bastard.”“Natural?” I said. “She was feeding him fucking crisps!”

  • My missus said she hadn’t seen me all weekend…I told her, “Good husbands are hard to find!”

  • My missus threw out my big purple dinosaur…We had a massive barney!

  • My missus has left me due to my obsession with blankety blank…What makes it worse is she took all the _________ with her!

  • Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night…“Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour”, she said.I replied, “I haven’t even put it on yet!”

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread and got blown into a pub!

  • I’ve just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving bastard run out of our back door and jump the fence…My missus must have put up a good fight though, she was naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk!

  • My missus said our sex life is boring and I had to do something that will take her breath away…So I hid her inhaler!

  • The missus said, “You know if I ever got Alzheimer’s, I would go in a home rather than be a burden to you.”I said, “That’s the 5th time you told me that today!”

  • Went Christmas shopping with the missus yesterday. Costa Coffee were offering a free cappuccino to anyone growing a moustache for ‘Movember’…She’s a jammy fucker!

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread last night and got blown into a pub!

  • My missus said she wanted peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

  • My missus said to me today, “I can’t stand these pretentious foody types.”Well, I was so shocked, I nearly choked on my pan fried Camembert and cranberry stuffed aubergine served on a bed of mango and apricot coulis!

  • The missus started her menstrual cycle today and she has bet me that I can’t go a week without making a joke out of it…I said, “You’re on!”

  • My New Years Resolution is to have a lot more sex…Haven’t told the missus though. Don’t want her spoiling it!

  • My missus is home after her breast reduction operation…I must admit, she does look better with just the two!

  • My missus says I’ve got a cock like a donkey…Turns out she meant the smell!

  • The missus wanted a cat…I didn’t want a cat…So we compromised and we got a cat!

  • I ordered the missus a sex toy online and they promised discreet packaging, to stop others knowing what’s inside.Sex toys are the only things delivered in discreet packaging, therefore every fucker knows exactly what’s inside!

  • If you had to choose between a lottery jackpot and your missus…What car would you buy?

  • On valentines night I’ve booked a table for two for me and the missus.I just hope she brings her own cue, I hate sharing mine!

  • I gave my missus a bouquet of roses for Valentine’s Day.She said, “Aw, thanks, I love you loads Honeybear.”“And I love you tons,” I replied.“What, no nickname for me”? she askedI swear she’s going fucking deaf!

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some milk and got blown into a pub! #StormEunice

  • The missus told me the cat had to be chipped…I only had a nine iron but still got it over the shed!

  • Missus: “What you want for dinner?”Me: “Tell you what I ain’t had in ages…”Missus: “What’s that?”Me: “Sex!”

  • Thanks to Daylight Savings Time…My missus thought I lasted 1 hour and 3 minutes!

  • The missus and I were arguing about the size of tits. I’m telling her that it doesn’t matter, but she says it does…To cut a long story short, I start my new diet tomorrow!

  • My missus winked at me and said, “I’d love a big stiff cock for my birthday.”Well she can fuck off if she thinks I’m paying for a sex change for her!

  • I met my missus at an arthritis support meeting…You know when two people just click!

  • My missus accused me of being a transvestite…So I packed her things and left!

  • My missus is leaving me because because because because because she says she thinks i have an obsession with The Wizard of Oz!

  • My missus said, “Will you shut up about snooker and make love to me!”“Of course love,” I replied. “Would you prefer I took the easy pink or shall I try for the tight brown?”

  • Last night my missus and I had a huge fight about whose turn it was to do the laundry…Finally I folded!

  • I bought my missus some of that volume control shampoo…It doesn’t work though. I can still fucking hear her!

  • My missus has left me over my obsession with Africa.Kenya believe it?Ghana miss her though. I don’t think she is Egypt with the ability to live on her own.Well, she Congo and fuck herself!

  • Whilst the missus was out tonight I started watching England. Then she suddenly turned up out of the blue…I quickly put some porn on the TV and pulled my trousers down to avoid any embarrassment!

  • My missus looks super hot without glasses…That’s why I stopped wearing them!

  • Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so the missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…I don’t see what that solved, we’ve still got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours now have our shovel!

  • The missus bought a toilet brush earlier, but she can fuck right off…I’m going back to toilet paper!

  • “Consonant please. Vowel Another vowel. Consonant. And another…”My missus hates it when we have alphabeti spaghetti!

  • Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night.“Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour,” she said.I replied, “I haven’t even put it on yet!”

  • My missus was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she’s making all my decisions for me…She’s been given power of a tawny!

  • My missus called me a sex machine last night…Well, her actual words were “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant!

  • Whilst the missus was out tonight I started watching Liverpool. Then she suddenly turned up out of the blue…I quickly put some porn on the TV and pulled my trousers down to avoid any embarrassment!

  • My missus is slightly cold and wants the heating on. I’m quite warm and don’t want the heating on…So we’ve compromised and put the heating on!

  • What did Adam say to the missus on the 24th of December?It’s Christmas Eve.

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