Money Jokes

  • Bye everyone. I’m going to leave my job and travel the world on the money I’ve earned until it runs out…

    Be back around 11pm tomorrow!

  • I sold all my Adele CD’s on eBay but still haven’t received any money. What should I do?Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing payments?

  • My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, “You’re wasting your time and money on all these inventions!”It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

  • Today I made my first money as a Programmer…I sold my laptop!

  • I’ve got a mate who just won a holiday for him and four mates, plus £4,000 spending money!He asked me if I was free the last two weeks in October and I confirmed that I was…The bastard wants me to put his bins out!

  • Save money on expensive smoothies by just chewing the bloody fruit yourself!

  • Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training my mate was struck off for making love to a patient. He was dedicated to that job. What a waste of time, money and training. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet!

  • Guys, get yourself an unvaccinated girl. You can’t take her to a restaurant and she’s not allowed in the clubs. Follow me for more money saving advice!

  • As it’s Christmas, I am gonna do my bit for charity. So I’m raising money for eczema…Wanna buy a scratch card?

  • Not trying to brag, but I have enough money to not have to work for the rest of the year!

  • Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.The first priest says, “I don’t know how you do it.”The second replies, “One of my choirboys is epileptic!”

  • I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.Peter Jones said, “And what’s your idea?”I replied, “It’s a simple concept Peter. Just put the money in the bag!”

  • I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.Pointing a knife at me, he asked, “Your money or your life?”I told him, “I am married, so I have no money and no life.”We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment!

  • Cost of a candle-lit dinner for two: £80Cost for theatre show tickets: £65Cab fare home: £30The look on his face when you tell him you’re on your period: Priceless.There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s anal!

  • I once went to a lecture about counterfeiting money…Can’t remember much about it though. We weren’t allowed to make notes!

  • Very decent of Prince Andrew to pay a huge amount of money to someone he has never met to stop them accusing him of something he definitely didn’t do!

  • Money saving tipDiesel £1.68 per litre £90 to fill the tank Drive off and get a court fine 6 weeks later £50Total saving £40. Thank me later!

  • Dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles. I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

  • I tried to remarry my ex, but she sussed I was only after my own fucking money!

  • So I dropped a tenner today and chased it for miles…I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

  • My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he would be coming into money…And last night he shagged a girl called Penny…How spooky is that!

  • Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu. I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch.I said, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”She said “No, but my mum isn’t expecting a blow job later.”I said, “Enjoy your meal sweetie!”

  • I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon…They just take the money and run!

  • Filled my car up for £147 but drove off without paying.Was up in court yesterday got fined £75…Follow me for more money saving tips

  • I bet my mate £20 just now that I could make him speak like a Red Indian.“How?” he replied.Easy money!

  • A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…So I got out of bed and started to look with him!

  • I let my blind friend borrow money the other day. He told me he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me…I think I’ve been conned!

  • Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands…Follow me for more money saving tips!

  • I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet…I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there!

  • A bloke broke into my house last night and was looking for money…So I got up and looked with him!

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