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Money Jokes

  • When I have money, there’s nothing to buy. When I don’t have money, I want everything.


  • I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.

  • I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

  • You know times are hard when you call 911 for an ambulance and they tell you to have gas money ready.

  • Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.

  • A dog will never borrow money from you, and that’s why he’s man’s best friend.

  • I’ve saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

  • The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them

  • I’ve decided I’m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I’m sorry.

  • Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

  • I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

  • Don’t you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

  • Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.

  • It’s quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke.

  • If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.

  • I’ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working…

  • The No. 1 movie this weekend was “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” which has already made $303 million at the worldwide box office. So in other words, Captain America has more money than regular America.

  • I hate it when I’m trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

  • Teacher: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich? Me: Because the poor didn’t have any fucking money.

  • I don’t have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

  • If you could only pick 1 wish out of these 4 choices,which one will you pick???? “Pls Comment”1. To earn money without working.2. To be smart without studying.3. To love without being hurt.4. To eat without getting fat.

  • I hate when interviewers ask “why do you want this job?” So many responses run through my head, but I don’t want to sound unprofessional by saying “because I need the fucking money.”

  • The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.

  • I don’t know what’s happening in this country. You’ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It’s a nightmare you don’t know whether to carry sweets or money.

  • They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing…

  • An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient

  • If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.

  • Apparently the Royal Family is running out of money. They’re down to just 26.5 million …Which is what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.

  • I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.

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