Money Jokes

I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.

I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

You know times are hard when you call 911 for an ambulance and they tell you to have gas money ready.

Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.

A dog will never borrow money from you, and that’s why he’s man’s best friend.

I’ve saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them

I’ve decided I’m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I’m sorry.

Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

Don’t you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.

It’s quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke.

If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.

I’ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working…

The No. 1 movie this weekend was “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” which has already made $303 million at the worldwide box office. So in other words, Captain America has more money than regular America.

I hate it when I’m trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

Teacher: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich? Me: Because the poor didn’t have any fucking money.

I don’t have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

If you could only pick 1 wish out of these 4 choices,which one will you pick???? “Pls Comment”1. To earn money without working.2. To be smart without studying.3. To love without being hurt.4. To eat without getting fat.

I hate when interviewers ask “why do you want this job?” So many responses run through my head, but I don’t want to sound unprofessional by saying “because I need the fucking money.”

The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.

I don’t know what’s happening in this country. You’ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It’s a nightmare you don’t know whether to carry sweets or money.

They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing…

An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient

If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.

Apparently the Royal Family is running out of money. They’re down to just 26.5 million …Which is what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.

I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.