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Money Jokes

  • Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.


  • When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!

  • ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money

  • Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..

  • Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, “Needs to borrow money” or “Will whine about petty stuff”.

  • You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

  • I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

  • I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.

  • I got a call today from a distorted voice saying “Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife” Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

  • There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: “ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU”. I put the money back in my pocket just in case he’s right.

  • 1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram

  • So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I’m on Facebook, I don’t have money or a life.

  • Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

  • If we can afford to have armed guard for our money at the banks, surely we can afford to have armed guards for our kids at schools. Where are your priorities people?

  • The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

  • Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

  • To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

  • I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

  • People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.

  • Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.

  • Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

  • A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

  • Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: last warning, you have a week to get the money together.

  • Women would save a lot of money on beauty products if they ever realized they have a vagina.

  • If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar and say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

  • People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

  • I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need.

  • To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, it did fuck all. For 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!

  • Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.

  • I’ve got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I’m trying to calculate the odds.

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