Money Jokes

When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!

ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money

Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..

Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, “Needs to borrow money” or “Will whine about petty stuff”.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.

I got a call today from a distorted voice saying “Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife” Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: “ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU”. I put the money back in my pocket just in case he’s right.

1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram

So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I’m on Facebook, I don’t have money or a life.

Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

If we can afford to have armed guard for our money at the banks, surely we can afford to have armed guards for our kids at schools. Where are your priorities people?

The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.

Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.

Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: last warning, you have a week to get the money together.

Women would save a lot of money on beauty products if they ever realized they have a vagina.

If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar and say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need.

To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, it did fuck all. For 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!

Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.

I’ve got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I’m trying to calculate the odds.