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Mother Jokes

  • I asked my mate what he was going to get his mum for Mothers’ day. “Nothing!” he said. “Why do they get a whole day to themselves, why can’t we have a Son Day?” We do mate, it comes after Saturday.


  • Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA. “I wish I could be shot into space” he said. “You would have been if your father had done what he was told” replies his mother.

  • Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits. She looked angry and said “I’m a medium” Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect!

  • For me, coming out as a teenager was the hardest thing I’ve experienced. God knows what it must have been like for my mother. Being in labour for that long.

  • Nowadays these adverts don’t even make sense. The other day I saw this advert that said. The mother of all broadband! Virgin.

  • My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my “sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”. Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

  • (There is another joke on here for the husband going down titled “Clit Talk.”) … … A girl asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said “you should have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue!”

  • On their way to a classical music concert, a mother and daughter board the NY subway. “Look over there,” the mother says, “the man with the big suitcase. That’s the musician we are going to see in concert tonight!” Just as the mother speaks, the man reaches into his suitcase and pulls out a shiny … Read more…

  • The Mother Of All storms (Frankenstorm) is heading toward New York City… Trump better get out the hairspray.

  • If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

  • I invited a friend over after school. I told my mom he’s my brother from another mother. My parents are now in the divorce process.

  • My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.

  • That was Samuel Jackson’s first ever public appearance without saying “mother$ucker”

  • Like my Great Grandmother always used to say,,,, Marry someone who will love you for your posts and not your profile picture.’

  • I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there’s an 83% chance that my nephew just added “Mother*ucker” to his vocabulary.

  • Just read a story in a magazine that a woman is claiming she was raped by an alien.. Big Deal!.. So was Lady Gaga’s mother

  • I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are… Motherf*cker there is a “like” button for a reason!

  • A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.

  • Dating a single mother…. It’s like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.

  • Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

  • What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand.

  • Mothers, out of the 300 guys you’re friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby.

  • My wife doesn’t appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

  • The Internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers

  • “A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.”

  • “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”

  • Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers.

  • My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.

  • Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.

  • You did not have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don’t have a mother on mother’s day or a father on father’s day so shut up

  • When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.

  • My mother in law called me today and said? “Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, “Call me back when you’re sure”.

  • Me: My father’s name is LAUGHING and my Mother’s name is SMILING. Teacher: You must be Kidding? Me: No, that’s my brother. I’m JOKING.

  • Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom’s on Mother’s Day because that is what they are going to look like!

  • I wanted to be a Ninja, so I googled “Ninja school” I followed the link to their website, and it said “Page cannot be found” WOW, these motherfuckers are good.

  • That ONE time In class you raise your hand, and some motherfucker screams out the answer.

  • Why do girls have to get periods? Why can’t Mother Nature just text us and be all like “yo bitch, you ain’t pregnant. Catch ya next month homegirl”.

  • Some people seriously believe they are making a difference in the world by using hashtags. HAHA!! #SocialNetworkActivist #KillYourself #YouWereAdopted #YourMotherShouldHaveSwallowedYou #YourDadShouldHaveWoreARubberAndThenFlushedYou, @MaleHonesty86

  • The only reason Indian mothers don’t shop online is coz they cant bargain there

  • “You only want my daughter for one thing!” yelled my girlfriend’s mother. “That’s your fault for not teaching her to cook,” I said.

  • To all the Moms: “Happy Mothers Day”! And to all the Dads: “Happy Sunday.. Mother FuKers”!!

  • You did not have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don’t have a mother on mother’s day or a father on father’s day so shut up.

  • A man asked his mother “How will I ever find the right woman?” She replied “Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man.”

  • There is only one pretty child in the world… and every mother has it.

  • A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

  • This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”

  • I was in the middle of a selfie and my mother walked in, now all she can say is “don’t worry son everyone’s doing that.”

  • “FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” Mother Nature

  • Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

  • Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can’t you be humble like your mother?

  • My mother-in-law’s coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

  • The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “IT’S NOT WORKING, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I’M GOING TO MOTHERS ” I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

  • Some of you I’d like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I’d like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.

  • My mother always told me if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all… And some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.

  • Hello mother. Hello father. Here I am at Camp Marijuana. Crack is good, but weed is better, I’m so f*cked up, a friend wrote this letter.

  • Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long.

  • What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding? Thanks for the mammaries.

  • My wife accused me of hating her side of the family. I said “Not true, I like your mother-in-law way more than mine.”

  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

  • I got the mother-in-law a subscription to Which? magazine…They’re testing brooms this month!

  • My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back. “This parrot hasn’t said anything!” she complained. “I haven’t had a fucking chance yet!” replied the parrot.

  • Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head & was knocking on the wall with her stick for help…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

  • My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word ‘cunt’…She has a point, I really should make an effort to learn her mother’s real name!

  • Mother in lawRearrange the lettersWoman hitler

  • What do you call a short mother…A minimum!

  • Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days…At my mother-in-law’s, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, I could barely afford the face-painting!

  • Pray for my Mother-In-LawShe’s been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn’t stung…I was too quick with the spade!

  • Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night. Moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall.Turns out her elderly mother had fallen and broken her hip and was banging on the wall with her stick for help…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

  • Deciding to turn off my mother-in-laws life support machine was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done…The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

  • On my wedding day, my new mother-in-law took me to one side and said, “Be gentle tonight with our Karen, she’s got acute angina.”I replied, “She’s got a smashing pair of tits as well!”

  • It’s Mothers Day and ‘MILF’ is trending.Stay classy people

  • My son said, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?” I said, “I was 18. I walked into a bar and saw the most gorgeous blonde I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.” He said, “What happened?” I said, “The arrow missed and hit your fucking mother!”

  • Took a girl out the other night & she ordered the most expensive food on the menu. I thought you greedy, money-grabbing bitch.I said, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”She said “No, but my mum isn’t expecting a blow job later.”I said, “Enjoy your meal sweetie!”

  • My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.“What are you doing?” she asked in shock.“Making you someone to play with,” I said.“A brother?” she asked excitingly.“No, a cousin,” I replied. “Now go and watch out for your mother coming home!”

  • I thought I heard my next-door neighbours shagging last night. All I could hear was moaning and loud banging on the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attention with her stick…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

  • When I was a kid my mother told me to put a clean pair of socks on each day…By the time I got to Saturday I couldn’t get my shoes on!

  • I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law…She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery. The keys are under door mat!

  • My mother-in-law came into work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her…I’m an undertaker!

  • I stood outside the school dropping my son off this morning when a mother started crying beside me.“Are you ok?” I asked.“It’s my daughters first day,” she said. “I’m just worried that she won’t fit in because of her weight.”“Well, the doors are a bit narrow,” I replied.

  • My wife said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?”I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting ready now.”“That sounds like her car pulling up outside…”“No, that’s my taxi, see you later!”

  • On current pace, King Charles could surpass his mother’’s record of 15 prime ministers before the end of 2024!

  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

  • If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

  • I made my mother’s French sister angry.Now she’s a cross aunt.

  • what do you call a short mother…a minimum.

  • What do you call a short mother?A minimum.

  • Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?Because their kids want to play inside.

  • My favourite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather.Until my mother took the urn from me.

  • I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.Turns out I was on the mothership.

  • What do you call it when all your mother’s sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?Vigil aunties.

  • Mom asks, Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother’s Day?Kid replies, We have food at home

  • What do you call a tiny mother?A minimum.

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