The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!” Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.
- A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?” The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.” “I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks. “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…” “Like this?” “A little more…” “Like this?” “No. A little more…” “Like this?” “Yes. Does that hurt?” “A little bit.” “Now stretch it over your head!”
- You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start. The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree…and think 25 to life would be appropriate. –Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. –Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. –Conan O’Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. –Jay Leno Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. –David Letterman Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. –David Letterman
- The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.” She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.” The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?” answered the Instructor. “I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??” —- This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught..
- ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need. GENERAL EQUATIONS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY STATISTICS Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
- Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.” The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.” The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.”
- If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.
- What’s the difference between the Panama Canal and Nancy Pelosi?? … … …. One is a busy ditch.
- Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
- Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages
- Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fu(ked to achieve it.
- Asian Pregnancy Test: Insert Rubix cube into Vagina. Pull it out 30 seconds later. If its solved……. you are pregnant.