The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
- A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.” The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation, “Well what did you name them?” The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.” The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?” The brother replied, “Denephew.”
- My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead…My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!
- My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the ‘telephone’ he had just made from a string and two tin cans…I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!”
- My nephew introduced me to his new girlfriend yesterday. Apparently she works at an abattoir…She’s a stunner!
- My nephew fell asleep at a Boxing Day house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead…My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!
- I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there’s an 83% chance that my nephew just added “Mother*ucker” to his vocabulary.
- My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the telephone he had just made from a string and two tin cans.I pulled out my iPhone and said, That’s nice, but…Look at what kids your age make in China!