Ocean Jokes

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 …….. $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ………..$9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 …… $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 …. $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ….. $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ……… .. $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .$84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER… Evian water 9 oz $1.49……….$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER And the buyers don’t even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.) So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil. Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump…

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.” The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The wife says, “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” He says, “I don’t care. Just get the hell out!”

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved at each other.

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can’t have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat.” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?”

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated! flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Why do Sharks circle you before attacking? Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me, son.” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people . “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did . “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did . “Now we eat everybody.” And they did . When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?” His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!”

One beautiful December evening Pepito and his girlfriend Pepita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pepe said “Hey, mamacita, let’s play Weeweechu.” “Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon” said Pepa. “Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pepito begged. “But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” “Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me.” Pepita looked at Pepito and said, “OK, one time, we’ll play Weeweechu.” Pepito grabbed his guitar and they both sang….. “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?” Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?” “67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop. “But if you already knew, officer,” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?” “I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob. “What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.” The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?” Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery! The wife says, “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains? He says, “I don’t care. Just get out.”

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls.(James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more.(Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breathes through an assh*le on the top of its head.(Billy age 8) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6) 9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write.(Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.(Christopher age 7)

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.” 3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 5. “Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.” 6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” 8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.” 13. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 14. “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.” 15. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 16. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 17. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 18. “He would argue with a signpost.” 19. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.” 20. “He brings joy whenever he leaves the room.” 21. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 22. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 23. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 24. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 25. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 26. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 27. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 28. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 29. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 30. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 31. “It’s hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 32. “One neuron short of a synapse.” 33. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 34. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF’D UP? Everyone has a photographic memory; it’s just that some of us are out of film. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while your ahead”?! If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.” 10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 15. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 16. “He would argue with a signpost.” 17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.” 31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Getting a Tan It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way. “I’ve been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color,” he said. “And I’m going to get it – even if it’s blue.”

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 …….. $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ………..$9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 …… $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 …. $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ….. $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ……… .. $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .$84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER… Evian water 9 oz $1.49……….$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER And the buyers don’t even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.) So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil. Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump…

I’ve always had an over-active imagination. Like that time I found myself drowning in an ocean of Tango it took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

It’s not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean…it’s whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane’s gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden’s floating in…..?

My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.

According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty…

I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to “I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic.” What… Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

How do you cut the ocean in half?With a sea-saw.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?Bob.

How do you cut an ocean in half?You use a Sea-Saw.

My wife asked me to plan a cruise for our vacation. When I did she said that I picked the wrong ocean.She should have been pacific in her instructions.