Old Lady Jokes

  • I asked this old lady if she would switch seats with me on the plane as the screaming brat of a baby is starting to piss me off…

    That turned into a really nasty shouting match, where my wife accused me of not loving our kid!

  • A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

  • A police officer called the station on his radio.“I need backup here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.”“Have you arrested the woman?”“Not yet. The floor’s still wet!”

  • An old lady says to her husband, “My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago.”Her husband replied, “They ought to be. One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!”

  • I saw a poor old lady fall and knock herself unconscious today…Well I’m assuming she was poor, she had no money in her purse!

  • How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’

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