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Petrol Jokes

  • Shhhhhh!!……. Don’t tell anyone…… I’m gonna go down on you…. …And you’re gonna love it……….. ……..But it’s only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it…….. ….Then I’m gonna come back up again and fcuk you big time….. Lots of love, Petrol prices xx


  • “Doc,” I said, “every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What’s the matter with me?” “That’s easy,” he said. “You’re exhausted.”

  • Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

  • To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, it did fuck all. For 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!

  • There was a fight in the local petrol station earlier today…Six people were arrested in Total!

  • I was counting sheep when I thought I need to stop hanging around petrol stations and get a grip of my life!

  • “Ah Mr Bond we’ve been expecting you.”“Sorry I’m late I couldn’t get any petrol!”

  • What’s the difference between paraffin and petrol?There’s two f’s in paraffin, but no effin petrol!

  • Why did the chicken not bother crossing the road?Because there was only a doctors and a petrol station on the other side!

  • I slowly got onto my knees, I put it in my mouth, I started sucking, harder and harder, here it comes I thought to myself, when it finally happened the taste was worse than I could imagine…I’ll never siphon petrol again!

  • Went to put some petrol in the car today at pump 3. Pulled up and noticed the person before me had put just £10 in their car…Where the hell they going on £10? To pump 4?

  • So I’ve got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol…Looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house!

  • Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to take it to £40…I’ve just missed it and it went to £53.63!

  • I’m looking for a woman that loves to suck but not swallow…I need her to help me steal petrol!

  • Just seen a massive fight at a petrol station…15 people arrested in Total!

  • BREAKING NEWSAll petrol stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole day…April Fuels!

  • Just got of a full tank of petrol for £30…In my lawnmower!

  • Just finished converting my car to electric. Swapped the petrol engine for the motor from a tumble drier…Going to take it for a spin!

  • I’m gonna go down on you and make you really happy, then I’m gonna come back up really slowly and fuck you real good.Yours sincerely,Petrol prices!

  • Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to get exactly 20 quid in…I’ve just missed it and it went to £38.66!

  • With the rocketing price of petrol, I’ve just filled up my petrol mower with Vodka… The grass is now half cut!

  • With petrol prices now hitting £2 a litre…It’s actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead!

  • Paid for the AA to tow me 150 miles home last night….Nothing wrong with my car but cheaper than petrol!

  • I’ve just witnessed a massive brawl break out in my local petrol station… 17 people arrested in Total!

  • Who can drink 5 liters of petrol and not get ill?Jerry can.

  • Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick?Jerry Can.

  • Who can carry petrol?Jerry can.

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