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Phone Jokes

  • Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because desperate times call for desperate measures….


  • I tried gay phone sex last night, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right. I was the giver and it was the receiver.

  • I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

  • My girlfriend said, “Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?” I said, “Yeah, definitely. Let’s call your mum and tell her you’ve died.”

  • Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.

  • My phone tried to auto-correct “f*cking” to “f*ck king,” and I was like hell yeah I am.

  • How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring

  • My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to spinal column. “Can I call you back?” I asked.

  • Flight Attendant: “Would you like some headphones?” Me: “How did you know my name is Phones?”

  • I’ve just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone. The ringtones are shit but it has good vibrations.

  • This morning someone phoned me and told me that I need to sort my fucking life out. It was quite a wake up call.

  • Do you know what really bugs me? Discreetly placed microphones.

  • A blonde cleaning-woman phones a fax machine manufacturer, and asks to speak to Jack. “Nobody called Jack works here,” says their switchboard operator. “But I must speak to him so that I can clean the fax machine!” insists the blonde. “Can I help with anything?” “No, only Jack.” “But why?” The blonde explains: “They told … Read more…

  • My door bell rang this morning. I didn’t even know it had a phone.

  • I’ve just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.

  • I phoned up the fishing helpline today. I said, “I’m crap at fishing and need some tips”. The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?” I said, “No”.

  • To make it safer to use the mobile phone when I’m driving, I’ve deleted all my German male contacts. I now completely Hans free.

  • Q: How do you milk sheep? …. …. …. A: With iPhone accessories.

  • What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them.

  • When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.

  • While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.

  • They should have cell phone charges in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

  • I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

  • I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

  • There is this new awesome technology to do group chats… It’s called “put your damn phone away and join the conversation!”

  • A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

  • “Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone.” I said to my wife. “That’s great” she beamed, “So what did she have?” I said, “One of those Blackberry Curves I think…”

  • I saved my girlfriends phone number as LOW BATTERY’. Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

  • If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

  • It’s amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

  • Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.

  • My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

  • Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don’t text you back within 30 minutes, she ain’t feeling you bro.

  • Dear phone. If you wouldn’t remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I’d be able to finish my status upda

  • Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who’s my bi$ch? You are.

  • Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

  • Here’s a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!

  • A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home

  • I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my freaking phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under the pile of clothes!

  • Smart-phones… The best thing to happen to sh1tting since the newspaper.

  • “Changed the name on my iPhone to titanic. Now when I connect to iTunes it says the…… Titanic is synching”

  • “There’s an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are.You don’t need this. If your phone doesn’t ring at all, you’re ugly.”

  • “There is a rumor going around that Facebook is building a cell phone.It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.”

  • Whenever I show someone a picture on my phone, I assume ninja stance in case they start scrolling.

  • I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn’t get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn’t work upstairs.’

  • Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

  • Who else takes their phone out when you’re in public by yourself, just so you don’t look like some idiot with no friends.

  • When I stay at a man’s house that I want to see again I always “accidentally” lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

  • I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.

  • I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

  • I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.

  • The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

  • If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I’m not spending the night there.

  • Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013, …. Stare at your phone like a normal person.

  • Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall… knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

  • I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror.

  • Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.

  • I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my freaking phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your jacket!”

  • Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid

  • God has no Phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow him.

  • There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment.

  • Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

  • I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

  • I’m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

  • Roses are red, I have a phone, no one texts me, forever alone.

  • It’s mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too… How do you expect him to Instargram the food?

  • I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

  • After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

  • That’s definitely not my ringtone, but I’m going to have to check my phone anyway.

  • If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

  • If you have my phone number but insist on posting some personal tidbit on my FB wall, I’ll beat the crap out of you.

  • I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

  • The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.

  • It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

  • I’m not saying I’m smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer…

  • I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad & iTouch & now iBroke, iHomeless & iRegret.

  • Just texted “I still love you” to about 50 random phone numbers.

  • I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won’t stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

  • Having dinner with my phone and some people.

  • My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.

  • Thank god for smart phones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

  • I like to send out texts saying “Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?” Just to see who`s dumb enough.

  • I’m not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.

  • There’s this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It’s called “Camera.”

  • If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!”

  • It’s all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

  • We should hang out and stare at our phones.

  • I don’t know why I even bother having an iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

  • Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.’ I wonder what ternative’ means?

  • My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I’m on it when I run into someone I know in public.

  • Time I spend listening to music 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones 17 minutes

  • Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

  • I’m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I’ve dropped my phone.

  • My kids outgoing voice mail message says,,” I’m sorry I won’t come to the phone right now. It’s 2012. LEARN TO TEXT.”

  • Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is… And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.

  • Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common… both are essential when I take a s$it.

  • Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I’d pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I’m still alive.

  • Next time you’re on the phone and a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up.

  • My phone didn’t get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode.

  • When I sing with my headphones in I think, “Why don’t I have a record deal?!”…Then I take them out and I know why.

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