Phone Jokes

I tried gay phone sex last night, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right. I was the giver and it was the receiver.

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

My girlfriend said, “Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?” I said, “Yeah, definitely. Let’s call your mum and tell her you’ve died.”

Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.

My phone tried to auto-correct “f*cking” to “f*ck king,” and I was like hell yeah I am.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring

My mate just phoned me to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to spinal column. “Can I call you back?” I asked.

Flight Attendant: “Would you like some headphones?” Me: “How did you know my name is Phones?”

I’ve just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone. The ringtones are shit but it has good vibrations.

This morning someone phoned me and told me that I need to sort my fucking life out. It was quite a wake up call.

Do you know what really bugs me? Discreetly placed microphones.

A blonde cleaning-woman phones a fax machine manufacturer, and asks to speak to Jack. “Nobody called Jack works here,” says their switchboard operator. “But I must speak to him so that I can clean the fax machine!” insists the blonde. “Can I help with anything?” “No, only Jack.” “But why?” The blonde explains: “They told … Read more…

My door bell rang this morning. I didn’t even know it had a phone.

I’ve just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.

I phoned up the fishing helpline today. I said, “I’m crap at fishing and need some tips”. The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?” I said, “No”.

To make it safer to use the mobile phone when I’m driving, I’ve deleted all my German male contacts. I now completely Hans free.

Q: How do you milk sheep? …. …. …. A: With iPhone accessories.

What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them.

When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.

While you’re busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out fcuking someone else for real.

They should have cell phone charges in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

There is this new awesome technology to do group chats… It’s called “put your damn phone away and join the conversation!”

A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

“Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone.” I said to my wife. “That’s great” she beamed, “So what did she have?” I said, “One of those Blackberry Curves I think…”

I saved my girlfriends phone number as LOW BATTERY’. Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

It’s amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.

My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don’t text you back within 30 minutes, she ain’t feeling you bro.

Dear phone. If you wouldn’t remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I’d be able to finish my status upda

Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who’s my bi$ch? You are.

Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

Here’s a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!

A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home

I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my freaking phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under the pile of clothes!

Smart-phones… The best thing to happen to sh1tting since the newspaper.

“Changed the name on my iPhone to titanic. Now when I connect to iTunes it says the…… Titanic is synching”

“There’s an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are.You don’t need this. If your phone doesn’t ring at all, you’re ugly.”

“There is a rumor going around that Facebook is building a cell phone.It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.”

Whenever I show someone a picture on my phone, I assume ninja stance in case they start scrolling.

I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn’t get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn’t work upstairs.’

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

Who else takes their phone out when you’re in public by yourself, just so you don’t look like some idiot with no friends.

When I stay at a man’s house that I want to see again I always “accidentally” lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.

I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.

The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I’m not spending the night there.

Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013, …. Stare at your phone like a normal person.

Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall… knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror.

Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.

I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my freaking phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your jacket!”

Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid

God has no Phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow him.

There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min I come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.

I’m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

Roses are red, I have a phone, no one texts me, forever alone.

It’s mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too… How do you expect him to Instargram the food?

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

That’s definitely not my ringtone, but I’m going to have to check my phone anyway.

If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

If you have my phone number but insist on posting some personal tidbit on my FB wall, I’ll beat the crap out of you.

I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.

It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

I’m not saying I’m smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer…

I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad & iTouch & now iBroke, iHomeless & iRegret.

Just texted “I still love you” to about 50 random phone numbers.

I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won’t stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

Having dinner with my phone and some people.

My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.

Thank god for smart phones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

I like to send out texts saying “Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?” Just to see who`s dumb enough.

I’m not into phone sex, the cord always gets stuck in my ass.

There’s this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It’s called “Camera.”

If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT’S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!”

It’s all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

We should hang out and stare at our phones.

I don’t know why I even bother having an iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.’ I wonder what ternative’ means?

My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I’m on it when I run into someone I know in public.

Time I spend listening to music 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones 17 minutes

Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

I’m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I’ve dropped my phone.

My kids outgoing voice mail message says,,” I’m sorry I won’t come to the phone right now. It’s 2012. LEARN TO TEXT.”

Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is… And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.

Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common… both are essential when I take a s$it.

Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I’d pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I’m still alive.

Next time you’re on the phone and a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up.

My phone didn’t get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode.

When I sing with my headphones in I think, “Why don’t I have a record deal?!”…Then I take them out and I know why.