Police Jokes

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.They said, “Is this your wife sir?” Shocked, I answered, ” Yes.”They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus.”I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality!”

I was arrested yesterday after my neighbours complained about me playing Englebert Humperdinck records all night…Police released me, let me go!

The police knocked at my door last night.“Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?”I said, “Velocity?”

Got stopped by the police who asked why I was carrying a 9ft book…“It’s a long story!”

2 female police officer dog handlers are on the beat.“I’m cold. I left my knickers at the station.”“Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them for you.”The dog returns 20 minutes later with her knickers, a truncheon and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

I was in Tesco and saw a bloke off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. But when the police arrived they arrested me instead of him…Apparently they use actors on the show!

My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns.I said, “OK. I’ll give it arrest!”

BREAKING NEWSPolice have found a piece of luggage on a desert island…They say it’s an isolated case!

BREAKING NEWSA lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night…Police are currently scouring the area!

How did the hacker get away from the police?He ransomware!

The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike…I just closed the door because my dog doesn’t even have a bike!

My brother is a policeman and I saw him wearing an airline pilot’s uniform.He winked at me and said, “Shhh, I’m in plane clothes!”

BREAKING NEWSA man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car…Police are appealing for the driver to come forward!

Took my pet sheep for a walk and turned around at the end of the road…A policeman saw me and gave me a ticket for doing a ewe turn!

BREAKING NEWSA milk lorry has crashed on the M1. Police are advising drivers not to cry!

There was an incident with a starting pistol on our estate last night…Police think that it’s race-related!

A police officer called the station on his radio.“I need backup here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.”“Have you arrested the woman?”“Not yet. The floor’s still wet!”

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, “I left my knickers at the station”. The other says, “Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he’ll fetch them”. The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

Donate a kidney and you’re a hero… Donate five and the police are called!

The Police have finally tracked down the man who thinks he’s an electric car. He’s been running up and down the road holding up the traffic…Police say he will be charged at the station!

BREAKING NEWSThree men are on the run after raiding a fancy dress shop that specialises in 80’s pop groups…The owners are hoping that they’ll turn themselves into The Police!

BREAKING NEWSA Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway…Police say the road is choc a block!

I walked my pet sheep to the end of the street…The police stopped me and gave me a ticket for making a ewe turn!

A van load of Father Ted dvds has been stolen…Police said they have nothing to go on go on go on!

BREAKING NEWSHeathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage…Cases continue to rise!

A group of road workers disappeared last weekend. The Police sent out a search party, no joy…But I’m happy to tell you they resurfaced this morning!

My mum got stopped by the police the other day because she was knitting whilst driving.The policeman said, “Pull over!”She replied, “No, a scarf!”

I was strip searched by the police. It started out as a routine stop, but I lied and said I had some coke up my arse. They then took me down the station and gave me the full works, fingers up and instruments in…I feel bad but how else is a gay ginger meant to get some action?

I heard today that police are going to issue £100 on the spot fines for bad drivers….That’s a bit sexist!

Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage…Cases continue to rise!

BREAKING NEWSPolice have raided a house in Manchester and have discovered large amounts of Lurpak with a street value of £250,000!

A man was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.The Policeman that had to inform his family said, “I am sorry but there’s no easy way to say this…”

I met a guy in the pub from Wales who was very worried that the Police were going to arrest him for interfering with farm animals…He is laying low, but obviously having a few sheepless nights!

I was driving home from visiting my sister last night and I had a police car right up my arse for the whole journey…I wish her kids would put their bloody toys away!

An Irish priest is driving on a country road when the police pull him over. He can smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.He says, “Have you been drinking?”“Just water,” says the priest.The cop replies, “Why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord he’s done it again!”

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them…The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever!

A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night…Police are currently scouring the area!

The builders working on my extension had to stop because someone has pinched their electric cement mixer…Police have a few leads but nothing concrete!

BREAKING NEWSA lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed its load on the M1.Police are reporting cues in both directions!

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly!

Thieves who stole 3 ton of tarmac have been in hiding for 2 months now…A police spokesman said, “We are hoping they will resurface soon!”

BREAKING NEWSAn entire city has gone missing in Yorkshire…Police are looking for Leeds!

I was pulled over by the police whilst driving, but was dying for a piss, so I did it in a coke can. The police asked what was in the can…I am now being done for possession on canapiss!

My wife has been missing for over a week, and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst…So, I’m heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back!

I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters…Oh here we go again, two dressed up as Policemen!#Halloween

BREAKING NEWSA lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the motorway. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers!

A shop assistant fought off an armed robber with his labeling gun…Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head!

A man has just been ran over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry…The police said there was no easy way to tell his family!

A policeman knocked on my door last night.“Where were you between 4 and 6?” he demanded.“Primary school,” I replied.

Police are warning people to be on the lookout for suicide bombers over Christmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new Alphabet Bomb’. If one of those fcukers goes off, it could spell disaster.

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us. He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone…

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing coming from a parked van. But, when they looked, it was just a kid napping.

A terrorist attack has blown away 2 local houses one made of straw and the other made of wood. Police think that it’s probably a lone wolf.

A police man just stopped me in the park with my dog and said, “If you leave that dog mess there you will face a penalty.” I used to play in goal a bit for school so I thought, fuck it, and took my chances.

Just heard on the news about the 1993 luggage murder. Apparently the police are reopening the case

*man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry* *policeman informs family* “There’s no easy way to say this”…

Two people have been killed and another seriously injured in a knife attack at an Ikea store in Sweden. Police are currently at the crime scene trying to piece the evidence together.

Everybody has their own circle of friends. Yet the police still want to refer to mine as a ring’.

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

If I were the Town Mayor, I would rename our bridge “The Influence.” … Then I would direct the police to pull over and ticket everyone driving under The Influence.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off…

Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his ass, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks. Police think he topped himself.

A fire broke out at a gay club last night. Police think it was started by a Fag.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover.

There’s a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order … The police believe they’re still at large.

They found a mysterious hole in the fence of our local nudist colony. The police are looking into it.

Why do riot police get to work early? … …. To beat the crowd.

$500 worth of condoms and lubricant were stolen overnight from a Sydney sex shop. Police described the thieves as slippery,well covered,hardened criminals.

A German got pulled over by the police in France. Police officer: “Name?” German: “Heinrich Klimt” Police officer: “Age?” German: “31” Police officer: “occupation?” German: “No, no. Just visiting”

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” …. The man replies, “Tits!”

You know it’s good sex when the neighbors call the police and a priest.

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Hello! Is this the police ? POLICE: Yes! What’s Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What’s wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning…. Hurry!!!

Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I’m not spending the night there.

Police: “How high are you?” Me: “No officer. It’s Hi, how are you?”

Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure but whatever….

Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.

Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.

My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, “It’s obvious, you can’t hold down a job.”

According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a “street performance”. Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever…

According to my current parking spot, I’m Chief of Police.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

Two young Indian women have designed the world’s first anti-rape’ jeans, which send a distress signal to the local police station when a button is pressed. Great idea, but with just one minor flaw; the police in India are more likely to show up and join in.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving. So they arrested me for wasting police time.

I got pulled over by a female police officer.When i rolled down my window to ask what was wrong,she said…”NOTHING!”

Police Officer: “Turn around!” Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Today local police found an unidentified man’s body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

My dad said to me, “If you really want something, you’ve got to get out there and grab it with both hands.” So I did …Now the barmaid with the big tits at the Rose and Crown’ has reported me to the police.

Robin Williams dead. Police suspect arson, but I Doubtfire.

Police Officer: Do you speak English? Jose: Yes. Police Officer: Where are you from? Jose: Yes

I’m interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.

If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.

You had me at: I’m calling the police.