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Pub Jokes

  • I thought I hadn’t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.


  • I was playing snooker with my mate, Dave, down the pub last night. We finished setting the table up and he said to me, “do you wanna break?” “We’ve haven’t even started yet, you lazy cunt!”

  • This bloke in the pub last night was boasting that when he orgasms, he ejaculates up to a pint of semen at a time.I found that a bit hard to swallow

  • OK, it’s St. Paddy’s Day, and I’m tipping back another pint o’ Guinness Stout when a jubilant giraffe ambles his way into the pub. He announces: “A round of drinks for ev’rybody… The highballs are on me!”

  • My new British girlfriend sort of surprised me the other night when she texted me and told me she was in line to the throne. Turns out she was in a pub and you know how long the women have to wait sometimes to use the women’s washroom.

  • Had my autobiography published last year and haven’t sold one copy…. Story of my life.

  • Finally, after years of waiting, my book on having sex with herbs has been published. Its about fucking thyme.

  • I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller.

  • A girl sneezed in the pub last night and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand. I took it back to her and we started chatting. After a few beers and a bit of flirting, I took her home and we shagged all night. I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on … Read more…

  • I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place. For the tie-breaker’ we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows. In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the … Read more…

  • I said to my mate down the pub, “I fear my daughter’s following in the tragic footsteps of Amy Winehouse”. “Why?” He asked. “Do think she’s developing a drug habit?” “No”, I said. “The little slut keeps going back to black”

  • The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road, to get to the other side. Why did she want to go to the other side, to go to the pub. Why did she want to go to the pub , to go to the toilet. Why did she want to go to the toilet, BECAUSE THATS WHERE … Read more…

  • I just performed an illusion in front of a group of horrified onlookers in the middle of Oxford. I grabbed hold of my penis, completely severing it from my body and held it above my head. It’s the first time I’d performed any magic in public and to be honest, I can’t believe I pulled … Read more…

  • My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, “Who’s the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?” “That’s my new girlfriend.” I replied. “Really?” he said, “You’ve kept that one quiet.”

  • All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.

  • I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn’t have a f*cking clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

  • In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it

  • Yelling “Whore!” in a public place and watching 15 girls turn around is pretty……… fun.

  • A little boy asks his dad, “Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?” His dad replies, “Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!”

  • I’m not saying she’s a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

  • That was Samuel Jackson’s first ever public appearance without saying “mother$ucker”

  • I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don’t know them.

  • This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him “You passed my house, let me out” & he’s all like “Sir I’m a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication.”

  • I’m starting to be careful about drunk driving now that Christmas isn’t far away..In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I’m quite proud of myself, I’d never driven a bus before..!!”

  • Please ignore this status….. I am standing in public alone and I don’t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting.

  • I was at the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, “I love you.’ She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?” I replied, “It’s me… talking to the beer!”

  • To all the girls who take pictures in the bathroom in public places, I’m taking a dump in the stall behind you….Don’t forget to tag me

  • Who else takes their phone out when you’re in public by yourself, just so you don’t look like some idiot with no friends.

  • I’m not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

  • I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn’t.

  • If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask “Does he bite?”

  • My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I’m on it when I run into someone I know in public.

  • I don’t mind people sneezing in public. It’s that “Pre-sneeze face” they make that scares the hell out of me.

  • I bet most Braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

  • Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,… why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?

  • According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a “street performance”. Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

  • I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.

  • Dad please dont mess my hair up and say love ya’ in public, I’m in a gang now

  • I’m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I’d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

  • I was at the pub the other day when the landlord walked up to me, handed me a phone and said, “It’s for you, sir” “Thanks mate,” I said, took it and walked away. What a generous lad.

  • I can’t believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the f*cking pub.

  • I contemplated suicide earlier. Then I thought about homicide. Finally I thought f*ck it, I hate crosswords, I’m off to the pub.

  • I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!

  • Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

  • Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I’m in public

  • I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

  • Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

  • Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.

  • I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.

  • Doing crazy things in public and not caring because you’re with your best friends.

  • My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

  • My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

  • Wow who saw that coming? Harry Potter and News of the World two of the Biggest selling modern fiction publications ending in the same week.

  • I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I was OK with it…Unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting!

  • The pub was pretty wild last night…A woman had her nipple pierced and I got banned from darts!

  • A Chinese man comes to the pub, stands next to me & starts drinking.I said, “Do you know any martial arts, like kung-fu, ju-jitsu, or karate?”He said, “Why the fuck are you asking me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”“No,” I said. “It’s because you’re drinking my beer!”

  • How many dartboards share a border with the Dominican Republic?One hundred and Haiti!

  • I was sat in a London pub after the London Marathon wearing running gear and a tinfoil cape while strangers kept buying me drinks. Works every year!

  • I was getting smashed in the arsehole the other night when I thought, this is a bit of a funny name for a pub!

  • The public told to plan ahead for Christmas this year due to supply issues…This is forcing the majority of men to bring their shopping forward to December 23rd!

  • Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets…Sharon is not up for good time. What an awkward phone call that was!

  • The barmaid in my local pub has just had her nipple pierced…I’m fucking shit at darts!

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread and got blown into a pub!

  • My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed. “And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”“Woooah! That’s bang out of order,” I said. “It’s not his fault!”

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread last night and got blown into a pub!

  • Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. “My mate came off his motorbike today,” he said. “Oh really?” I asked. “Yes,” he replied. “He has slight brain damage, 2 broken arms and is completely blind in one eye.” “Blimey,” I said. “No wonder he came off it then!”

  • An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.The barman says, “Is this some sort of joke?”

  • My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know. She’s expecting a baby.”I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

  • My wife heard someone creeping in through the window last night. She gave him a bashing with a baseball bat and a good kicking. Then she put the light on and saw it was a burglar.“I’m so sorry,” she said to him. “I thought it was my husband coming home late from the pub!”

  • A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting. After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we’d finished I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?” She said, “No. Only those who catch my eye!”

  • I met a chunky lass in the pub last night.She looked into my eyes and said, “Hello, I’m Anita.”I looked at her stomach and said, “Yes, you certainly fucking are!”

  • I met this wonderful girl and we had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, & she even laughed at my offensive jokes.I took her back to my place and she sat me down and stripped totally naked.And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common!

  • My wife and I sang “Eye of the Tiger” six times on karaoke night at the pub tonight…We’re going though a bit of a Rocky patch!

  • I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

  • Sign at the pub, ‘Cheese roll £3.00, Ham sandwich £3.50, Hand job £10’.I said to the gorgeous barmaid, “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?”She said sexily, “Yes, that’s me.”I said, “Well wash your hands girl and make me a ham sandwich!”

  • I really need to get a pube trimmer…When I get a hard on, it looks like Pinocchio has joined the fucking Taliban!

  • I’ve given my wife a medieval fighting suit to polish, whilst I go to the pub…She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour!

  • Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some milk and got blown into a pub! #StormEunice

  • Went to the pub dressed as a tennis ball…I got served straight away!

  • I was so drunk last night, I literally crawled home and as I pulled myself up the front steps, my wife was waiting. “Sorry darling, I’m a little bit drunk,” I said. “Drunk? You left your wheelchair at the bloody pub again!”

  • I’m trying to pay my pub debts online but it’s taking ages as I have too many tabs open!

  • A bloke down the pub told me the increase in fuel prices doesn’t affect him because he only ever sticks 20 quid in!

  • I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish mate, “I’m stuck on one, trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M.”He said, “Marooned.”I said, “Thanks, I’ll have a pint of lager then!”

  • A fat bird approached me in the pub last night.She said, “I’m Anita.”I said, “Yeah I can tell!”

  • A beautiful young lady walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre…So he gave her one!

  • I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said, “Would you like a beer for your wife?”I said, “That sounds like a fair swap!”

  • My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.He said, “Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.”Worst advice ever. I could hardly run!

  • Landlord at my pub said, “Why are you looking so happy?” I replied, “The wife just had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that would bring a smile to most men’s faces.”He said, “Breast enlargement?”I said, “Nah, post-mortem!”

  • My local pub is bit rough…The first question in the pub quiz was, “What the fuck are you looking at?”

  • A man came up to me in the pub last night and said, “Didn’t you sell me a faulty alarm clock last month?”I replied, “Doesn’t ring a bell!”

  • When it’s sunny I think beer garden…When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while….When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer…I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

  • The #LoveIsland drinking game:1. Turn this fucking bullshit off 2. Go down the pub

  • I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a ‘real girlfriend experience’.When I got there she opened the door and said, “You’re late! I bet you’ve been down the pub.”We didn’t speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa!

  • My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know. She’s expecting a baby.”I felt like a right fucking twat waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

  • When it’s sunny I think ‘Beer garden.’When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

  • I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said, “You remind me of my little toe!” She said, “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied, “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table!”

  • My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out…And while he’s going through all that, I’ll be in the pub with my mates every night!

  • Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…My whole life has become a joke!

  • Yesterday I gave my wife a taste of her own medicine…I took her into 10 different pubs, only to go back to buy a drink from the first pub we went in!

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