Pub Jokes

I just got my own back on my wife while we were out shopping. I dragged her round 10 pubs without getting a drink then we went back to the first one we visited and I ordered a pint!

I was busy rolling a cigarette on my way home from the pub last night, and then I thought…Surely picking it up and carrying it is easier!

Went to a Halloween party at the pub last night, but took ages to get served as they only had a skeleton staff working!#Halloween

A man and his wife are about to have sex when the husband says, “Do a handstand against the full length mirror.”The wife thinks this is kinky and does it.The man puts his chin on her privates and says, “The boys at the pub were right, a goatie would suit me!”

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.The wife said, “You’ve never held the door open for me!”I said, “What about the time you threatened to leave?”

I love how music can take you to another place…This pub is playing Ed Sheeran, so I’m going to another pub!

I’ve been a bit depressed lately. Only last week I noticed that I have a grey pubic hair. But I stayed calm about it. I didn’t freak out…Unlike the other miserable bastards in the lift!

Every Christmas, we used to go down the pub for a few hours then come back and deck the Halls…Why the Halls never reported us is a mystery!

I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets that I’ve signed a partition!

The pub was pretty wild last night…A woman had her nipple pierced and I got banned from darts!

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed. “And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”“Woooah! That’s bang out of order,” I said. “It’s not his fault!”

The missus just asked why it’s called Boxing Day.I told her that it’s because men don’t have to come home from the pub until we’ve had twelve rounds…Don’t think she believes me!

The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”“Why the fuck would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.

I’m colour blind, so never enjoyed working in the public sector…Too much purple tape!

I thought I hadn’t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

I was playing snooker with my mate, Dave, down the pub last night. We finished setting the table up and he said to me, “do you wanna break?” “We’ve haven’t even started yet, you lazy cunt!”

This bloke in the pub last night was boasting that when he orgasms, he ejaculates up to a pint of semen at a time.I found that a bit hard to swallow

OK, it’s St. Paddy’s Day, and I’m tipping back another pint o’ Guinness Stout when a jubilant giraffe ambles his way into the pub. He announces: “A round of drinks for ev’rybody… The highballs are on me!”

My new British girlfriend sort of surprised me the other night when she texted me and told me she was in line to the throne. Turns out she was in a pub and you know how long the women have to wait sometimes to use the women’s washroom.

Had my autobiography published last year and haven’t sold one copy…. Story of my life.

Finally, after years of waiting, my book on having sex with herbs has been published. Its about fucking thyme.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller.

The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

I said to my mate down the pub, “I fear my daughter’s following in the tragic footsteps of Amy Winehouse”. “Why?” He asked. “Do think she’s developing a drug habit?” “No”, I said. “The little slut keeps going back to black”

My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, “Who’s the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?” “That’s my new girlfriend.” I replied. “Really?” he said, “You’ve kept that one quiet.”

All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.

I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn’t have a f*cking clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it

A little boy asks his dad, “Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?” His dad replies, “Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!”

Yelling “Whore!” in a public place and watching 15 girls turn around is pretty……… fun.

I’m not saying she’s a sl*t but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

That was Samuel Jackson’s first ever public appearance without saying “mother$ucker”

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don’t know them.

This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him “You passed my house, let me out” & he’s all like “Sir I’m a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication.”

I’m starting to be careful about drunk driving now that Christmas isn’t far away..In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I’m quite proud of myself, I’d never driven a bus before..!!”

Please ignore this status….. I am standing in public alone and I don’t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting.

To all the girls who take pictures in the bathroom in public places, I’m taking a dump in the stall behind you….Don’t forget to tag me

I was at the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, “I love you.’ She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?” I replied, “It’s me… talking to the beer!”

Who else takes their phone out when you’re in public by yourself, just so you don’t look like some idiot with no friends.

I’m not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn’t.

If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask “Does he bite?”

My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I’m on it when I run into someone I know in public.

I don’t mind people sneezing in public. It’s that “Pre-sneeze face” they make that scares the hell out of me.

I bet most Braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,… why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?

According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a “street performance”. Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.

Dad please dont mess my hair up and say love ya’ in public, I’m in a gang now

I’m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I’d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

I was at the pub the other day when the landlord walked up to me, handed me a phone and said, “It’s for you, sir” “Thanks mate,” I said, took it and walked away. What a generous lad.

I contemplated suicide earlier. Then I thought about homicide. Finally I thought f*ck it, I hate crosswords, I’m off to the pub.

I can’t believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the f*cking pub.

I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I’m in public

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.

I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.

Doing crazy things in public and not caring because you’re with your best friends.

My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I was OK with it…Unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting!

Wow who saw that coming? Harry Potter and News of the World two of the Biggest selling modern fiction publications ending in the same week.

How many dartboards share a border with the Dominican Republic?One hundred and Haiti!

I was sat in a London pub after the London Marathon wearing running gear and a tinfoil cape while strangers kept buying me drinks. Works every year!

I was getting smashed in the arsehole the other night when I thought, this is a bit of a funny name for a pub!

The public told to plan ahead for Christmas this year due to supply issues…This is forcing the majority of men to bring their shopping forward to December 23rd!

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets…Sharon is not up for good time. What an awkward phone call that was!

Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread and got blown into a pub!

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed. “And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”“Woooah! That’s bang out of order,” I said. “It’s not his fault!”

Fucking hell it’s windy out there. Only went to get the missus some bread last night and got blown into a pub!

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.The difference is staggering.

The filthiest pub I was ever in was called The Fiddle.It was a vile inn.

My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless, lonely life.And while he’s going through that, I’ll be down the pub with my mates every night.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub.The barman says ‘Is this some sort of joke’.

I came home drunk last night and my wife said. How much have you had to drink? she asked.Nothing I slurred.Look at me! she shouted. It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, It’s you. I can tell by the voice.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?A private tutor!

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said Would you like a beer for your wife?I said: That sounds like a fair swap.

Boss – Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.Me – Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.Boss – What time will you get here?Me – Monday.

I’ve asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

Boss – Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.Me- Yeah, no problem. l’Il probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.Boss – What time will you get here?Me – Monday.

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said Would you like a beer for your wife?I said: That sounds like a fair swap.