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Reading Jokes

  • I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.


  • Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a magic spell’ that would supposedly make women want to have sex with me. Worked like a fucking charm.

  • I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

  • My wives going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as a Rastafarian. She wants me to do her hair. I’m dreading it!

  • They’re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I’m dreading it.

  • Gay dude was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner, “This year we should try Greece.” His partner looks up and ask him. “Whts wrong with the Vaseline?”

  • Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

  • My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing…

  • Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,,and just started enjoying reading and writing posts.

  • After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn’t recognize a second the’

  • I’m having a problem in Call Of Duty. I go to the menu and……. alright I guess by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites

  • Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.

  • Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and… alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

  • 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are geting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate

  • Says I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I’m just being paranoid.

  • The best part about this status update is that by the time you’ve finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it

  • Want to know if you’re in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it’s over. You’re welcome.

  • Thank god for smart phones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom

  • Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.

  • After reading your recent updates, I’m surprised that Facebook hasn’t yet asked you, “Whatever’s on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?”

  • I’ve been reading a book called 1,000 sexual positions’. I’ve reached position 176 and apparently from now on I’m going to need a woman.

  • A Kansas man on trial for first-degree murder wants to remove a tattoo across his neck reading “murder” because he’s worried it might prejudice the jury. Though he might be able to create reasonable doubt by just adding a question mark.

  • That lazy moment when you start reading someone else’s status and then realise its too long so you just like it.

  • Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

  • My wife was reading the paper and said, “Tut tut, that’s terrible. Another woman in India has been gang-raped and hung.”I replied, “Actually it’s hanged’. In India, women are hanged. In Thailand, women are hung.”

  • I just saw two blind and deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands down one anothers knickers…..I think they were lip reading?

  • Like if you believe in God. Remember he saw you reading this.

  • I’ve just been reading about this toddler in China who fell eight stories out of a window. Apparently he was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine, and he was back in work the following day.

  • Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

  • I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!

  • Rumors. Well at least you’re spreading something else besides your legs.

  • So I’m reading that “twerking” and “selfie” have been added to the dictionary. “Future” and “optimism” have been removed…

  • Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the Like’ button is below)

  • If you’re reading this you’re probably addicted to the internet. And by internet, I mean Facebook.

  • Please excuse yesterday’s disruption due to a boiler room incident. Handyman Bill is hospitalized and we are dreading a full recovery.

  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

  • There is a new disease found in margarine…Apparently it spreading very easily.

  • I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.

  • Started reading a book about tight spaces…It’s hard to get into!

  • So I was reading a magazine in the dentist waiting room today and I was surprised to find out Ford have stopped production of the Cortina and are launching the Sierra!

  • Just reading that there’s a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people…That’s the biggest number I’ve ever heard!

  • I’ve just started speed reading. I can read war and peace in 20 seconds…I know it’s only 3 words but it’s a start!

  • I’ve just been reading about all of the corruption in tennis…I’m shocked at the amount of backhanders!

  • To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it!Threading a needle is a fucking nightmare!

  • I don’t advertise my lip-reading business…It’s all word of mouth!

  • I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called ‘Fights on a Narrowboat’ by R.G. Bargee.#WorldBookDay

  • Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement…In the end, you ignore everything and click, “I agree!”

  • I’ve just finished reading a book about a bank vault…It was quite hard to get into!

  • I’m worried about this recurring dream that my dictaphone is almost full…Maybe I’m reading too much into it!

  • Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement…In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

  • My wife was sitting on the sofa reading a book called ‘100 ways to please your man.’ I said, “Don’t bother reading that nonsense. You only need to do 2 things for me & I’ll be the happiest man ever. She smiled & said, “What’s that then?” I said, “Pack your bags & fuck off!”

  • I am reading a horror novel in Braille.Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.

  • I Started Reading A Horror Story in BrailleSomething bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.It’s impossible to put down!

  • I just finished reading a book called, *How to Avoid Getting Ripped Off*Best $500 I ever spent!

  • I’m reading a horror novel in braille right now.Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

  • I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day.It was impossible to put down.

  • I’ve been reading a book called How To Use A LadderWell, it’s more of a step-by-step guide.

  • I’m reading a horror book in Braille.Something bad is going to happen.I can feel it.

  • My wife has just gone into labor, and I’m reading her some of the funny jokes, but she doesn’t seem to be amused.It must be the delivery…

  • I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen,I can just feel it.

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