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Road Jokes

  • Why couldn’t the ghost cross the road? It was already on the other side.


  • Police raided a daycare down the road, breaking up a teething ring.

  • A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”

  • I was walking with my wife today when a group of blokes on a building site started shouting things like, “She’s a pig mate,” and, “My dog wouldn’t lick her face.” I looked at her & said, “I’m not fucking having this!”Then I crossed the road & pretended I was waiting for a bus!

  • Why did the chicken not bother crossing the road?Because there was only a doctors and a petrol station on the other side!

  • Why did Adele cross the road?To say hello from the other side!

  • I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.The chap said, “This is very rare. Do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?”I replied, “Dunno, sticks I suppose?”

  • I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker…But when I got home all the signs were there!

  • The wife was trying to be sexy for me tonight. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.Then she slipped it up her fanny…I said, “Careful with that, love. You’ll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!”

  • Why did my wife cross the road?To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago!

  • I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker…But when I got home all the signs were there!

  • The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.Then she slipped it up her fanny…I said, “Careful with that, love. You’ll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!”

  • I was walking down the road talking to the wife when suddenly I realised she was 50 yards behind me.“Come on!” I shouted.“I’ve got a stone in my shoe,” she replied.I said, “You’ve got 19 in the other now get a fucking move on chubs!”

  • Took my pet sheep for a walk and turned around at the end of the road…A policeman saw me and gave me a ticket for doing a ewe turn!

  • When James Bond is abroad, is it +4407?

  • The Police have finally tracked down the man who thinks he’s an electric car. He’s been running up and down the road holding up the traffic…Police say he will be charged at the station!

  • BREAKING NEWSA Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway…Police say the road is choc a block!

  • A group of road workers disappeared last weekend. The Police sent out a search party, no joy…But I’m happy to tell you they resurfaced this morning!

  • A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”The construction worker says, “One beer for me, and one for the road!”

  • Why did the vegan cross the road?To tell someone they’re a vegan!

  • Why did the dad joke cross the road?To get to the other sigh!

  • I was driving down the road when I suddenly disappeared into a portion of sour cream and chives…I didn’t see the dip in the road!

  • HEATWAVE LATESTCouncils across the UK rejoice after melting roads begin to fill in their own potholes! #heatwaveuk

  • Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…My whole life has become a joke!

  • A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.A man came over and said, “Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health.”The boy replied, “Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old.”“By eating chocolates?” the man asked.“No, by minding his own business!”

  • An Irish priest is driving on a country road when the police pull him over. He can smell alcohol on the priest’s breath.He says, “Have you been drinking?”“Just water,” says the priest.The cop replies, “Why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord he’s done it again!”

  • I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law…She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery. The keys are under door mat!

  • Why did the crab cross the road?It didn’t. It used the sidewalk!

  • I took my old stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow…They told me it wouldn’t fetch much!

  • I didn’t wanna believe that my dad was stealing from his work as a road worker…But when I got home, all the signs were there!

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