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Shed Jokes

  • I thought I’d found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.


  • Just finished painting my bedroom in under ten minutes using vinyl Surely that’s some kind of record.

  • I was playing snooker with my mate, Dave, down the pub last night. We finished setting the table up and he said to me, “do you wanna break?” “We’ve haven’t even started yet, you lazy cunt!”

  • I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, “Four, nine.” The other man pushed him back and said, “Sixteen, twenty-five.” A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, “I need some help at the door. We’ve got a couple of men … Read more…

  • Had to stop watching Game of Thrones with my parents tonight, because of all the sex. So I’ve recorded it to watch after they’ve finished.

  • Mexican magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos..” *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

  • On Monday I said to my boss, “I have a dentist’s appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?” “No problem,” he said. On Friday he pulled me up and said, “What’s this? You’ve put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o’clock on Monday.” … Read more…

  • Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. He should’ve watched the trailer.

  • My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

  • I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. Then he was chuffed to bits.

  • Had my autobiography published last year and haven’t sold one copy…. Story of my life.

  • I pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what … Read more…

  • Finally, after years of waiting, my book on having sex with herbs has been published. Its about fucking thyme.

  • I was bored at work today so I started to draw mini watches on each of my fingers, and drew a clock on my palm. My boss saw me after i’d finished and told me he’d find me some extra jobs to do because I have too much time on my hands.

  • I’ve fallen in love’ My husband yelled to me as his arse cheeks splashed against the toilet water.

  • The battle had gone on for years between all comers over “The Best Thing….” Since sliced bread had held the challenge for so long, no one thought it could ever be vanquished, until some challengers came along. The finalists included the wonderful sugar wall of the pussy and sanitary napkins and tampons…. Men everywhere universally … Read more…

  • On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober.”

  • With Airlines stocks having crashed. I can’t decide between paying for two extra bags or buying half the company.

  • Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.

  • Once I participated in a “Nice Guy” 5K Run….. We all finished last.

  • Dear Crush, If your “shower brb” was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!”

  • Just phished Forest Gump’s Facebook password, it’s: 1Forest1

  • The best part about this status update is that by the time you’ve finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it

  • Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

  • Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.

  • Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm… but I wasn’t finished..

  • How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

  • Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t..

  • And breaking news, a man has been rushed to hospital after having 6 plastic horses shoved up his ass. He is in a stable condition.

  • Some people seriously believe they are making a difference in the world by using hashtags. HAHA!! #SocialNetworkActivist #KillYourself #YouWereAdopted #YourMotherShouldHaveSwallowedYou #YourDadShouldHaveWoreARubberAndThenFlushedYou, @MaleHonesty86

  • According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour.

  • “UK Students Die In Safari Crash” I bet they wished they’d just stuck with Internet Explorer now.

  • They say when a man meets the right woman, he is complete. When a man meets the wrong woman is finished. When the right woman meets the wrong woman with the man, he is completely finished.

  • I cracked two jokes earlier about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed and burned.

  • Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.

  • If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.

  • The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren’t going to see me 7 more times before then.

  • Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

  • Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la

  • The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ I said Me neither doc,’ ……’But she’s a great cook and good with the kids.’

  • “Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” Plato,

  • AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash… He’s gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES

  • Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

  • I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

  • What do you call a dinosaur that crashed its car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

  • My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

  • I’ve just finished the fifth book in the “Learn to Count” trilogy.

  • A truck of Terrapins crashed into a truck of tortoises. It was a turtle disaster.

  • Watershed joke: A baker was caught bonking his bread loaves. They say he was inbread.

  • Bought the wife a pug dog…Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat, bad breath and being really ugly, the dog seems to like her!

  • My computer crashed at work and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening!

  • A man was rushed to hospital after choking on a handful of chocolate-coated toffees, orange cremes and raisins…He was pronounced dead on A Revel!

  • I went dogging with the wife last night. Never again…By the time she’d finished parking the car everyone had fucked off!

  • I was getting smashed in the arsehole the other night when I thought, this is a bit of a funny name for a pub!

  • Dear Deidre. Please help me. My sexy 20 year old neighbour was sunbathing the other day. I took the chance to peek out of our bathroom window and have a cheeky wank. As I finished I turned around and my wife was standing there arms folded watching me.Is my wife a pervert?

  • Amazingly I got the shed roofing job without an interview… They’ve no idea how I felt!

  • I was in the bar when I suddenly needed to pass wind. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer, but noticed everyone was looking at me…Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod!

  • My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, “You’re wasting your time and money on all these inventions!”It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

  • BREAKING NEWS: A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint…The crew have been marooned!

  • I walked up to fat girl eating meals in McDonalds.I said, “You need a bit of me in your life.”“Do I now?” she blushed with a smile. “What’s your name?”I replied, “The name’s Power, Will Power!”

  • I just rushed home from work, pulled my wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the blankets over us. She said, ” I’m shocked. You haven’t been like this for 20 years.” Then I said, “Look at my new watch. It glows in the dark!”

  • I was in the barbers this morning. The barber said, “I’ve finished, would you like anything on it?”I said, “Yes a pair of knickers, as you’ve made me look like a right cunt!”

  • BREAKING: Santa Claus was testing his new sleigh when he crashed…He needs a blood transfusion urgently, however he has a very rare blood group. It’s O O O!

  • Don’t mean to brag, but just finished my 14 day diet in 3 hours thirty two minutes!

  • A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting. After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we’d finished I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?” She said, “No. Only those who catch my eye!”

  • I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed mine into a tree because of her.”“You must be mistaken,” she replied. “Our daughter is upstairs changing out of her nurses uniform.”I said, “I know, she left the curtains open!”

  • BREAKING: A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint…The crew have been marooned!

  • A lady golfer teed off & saw her ball hit a man at the next hole. He clasped his hands together at his groin & fell down in agony.She rushed over and undid his pants. Gently massaging inside she said, “Is that better?”“Great!” he said. “But I think my thumb is still broken!”

  • I just had a call to say my brother was crushed to death at work when the coffee machine fell on him…At least it was instant!

  • After a 69 with my gf, I had a dentist appt. Didn’t want the dentist to know so brushed my teeth 5 times. I sat in the dentist chair & dentist asked, “Did you have 69 before you came here?” Shocked I said, “Why can smell it on my breath?” “No, but your forehead smells of arse!”

  • My mate said I wasn’t a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges!

  • The roof of the shed was damaged in the gales but my kind neighbour gave me a waterproof cover to use until I could repair it…Ta Pauline!#StormFranklin

  • The missus told me the cat had to be chipped…I only had a nine iron but still got it over the shed!

  • My wife claimed she was late coming home tonight because she was ambushed by a group of elderly men who pinned her down and repaired her shoes…Sounds like a load of old cobblers to me!

  • I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called ‘Fights on a Narrowboat’ by R.G. Bargee.#WorldBookDay

  • Just cleared some space in the freezer… Sounds better than I’ve polished off a tub of ice cream!

  • My neighbour was rushed into hospital with a golf ball up his backside…The Doctor said it’s gone up a fairway!

  • I’ve just crashed into somebody else’s car outside of Eton College…It was a right toff!

  • Standing on the tube this morning I thought, “These pringles are going to be crushed!”

  • I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes..:It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper!

  • Just finished converting my car to electric. Swapped the petrol engine for the motor from a tumble drier…Going to take it for a spin!

  • BREAKING NEWSA milk lorry has crashed on the M1. Police are advising drivers not to cry!

  • I’ve mashed up some Frosties and milk into a paste then used it to fill the gaps inbetween my tiles…They’re grrrrrrrrrrout!

  • During his time in the army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with no one else about…He was a buff alone soldier!

  • I text my wife today. “I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Drs examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.” She text back, “Who the fuck is Sarah?”

  • A man met a lion in the jungle. He thought it was no good making a run for it, so kneeled down and prayed. When he finished he looked up and the lion was also praying.“Why are you praying asked the man?”The lion replied, “I always pray before a meal!”

  • My friend’s wife fell over a few days ago and gashed her forehead. I called him last night and said, “How’s your wife’s head?”“I’ve had better,” he said.

  • When the doctor examined me I had a sausage in my ear, gravy and custard all over my shirt, and mashed potato in my hair. I said, “What’s the problem doc?”He said, “You’re not eating properly!”

  • At a wedding reception I recently attended, the host said, “All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.”The barman was nearly crushed to death!

  • I’ve just finished reading a book about a bank vault…It was quite hard to get into!

  • A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy…Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine!

  • Just saw a bloke on a bus get struck by lightning…I rushed over to see if he was ok. The driver said, “He’s fine, he’s a conductor!”

  • BREAKING NEWSA lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed its load on the M1.Police are reporting cues in both directions!

  • BREAKING NEWSA driver has crashed his Pringles lorry following a tyre blowout…Once it popped, he couldn’t stop!

  • I’ve just mushed up a load of Frosties and milk into a paste and used it to fill the gaps between my tiles…They’re grrrrrrrout!

  • My mate auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing but, after a Tango, Salsa and mashed potato, he was too full to do any dancing!

  • My wife crashed the car while listening to Adele last night…She ended up rolling in the Jeep!

  • Just splashed out on a new toilet seat!

  • Phew. I’ve just finished painting every room in the house. It took months…The Estate Agent said I should have just taken photographs!

  • BREAKING NEWSA lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the motorway. Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers!

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