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Shopping Jokes

  • Pregnant woman calls her mum………… “Hi Mum, I don’t wanna cause a panic but I’m out shopping and I think my waters have just broken” ” Oh my God!………Ok, just relax, now, where are you ringing from?” “My fanny to my ankles”


  • They say never go food shopping when you’re hungry … haven’t “they” heard that “seven days without food makes one weak?”

  • I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.

  • Be that Shopping Cart with the bad wheel. Go in your own direction no matter how hard someone try’s to push you in theirs.

  • If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.

  • Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around.

  • I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

  • For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

  • My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

  • Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a Women pushing it around.

  • OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!

  • I told my Boyfriend; “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!” A short time later he comes back with six cartons of milk. I asked him, “Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had eggs.”

  • My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.

  • I feel a spree coming on. It’s either shopping or killing, I haven’t decided yet.

  • My wife wanted me to go shopping, but I had a headache… I must have caught it from her last night when we didn’t have sex.

  • After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.

  • After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.

  • My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I’m over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

  • Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

  • Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you’re married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.

  • You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree… at the dollar store!

  • If there was a way to read a woman’s mind…I’m still not sure I’d want too…I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I’m annoying.

  • Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

  • I came home from shopping today to find my wife and her two fat mates eating Doritos on the sofa. I mumbled under my breath, “Fat fucking cows.”She said, “What did you just say?”I replied, “You herd!”

  • The public told to plan ahead for Christmas this year due to supply issues…This is forcing the majority of men to bring their shopping forward to December 23rd!

  • If you’re going Black Friday shopping, please be a decent person and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights!

  • Went Christmas shopping with the missus yesterday. Costa Coffee were offering a free cappuccino to anyone growing a moustache for ‘Movember’…She’s a jammy fucker!

  • I just got back from the Asda Black Friday sale…Got a great bargain. Shopping trolley for £1!

  • I went Christmas shopping with the wife for a present for her mum.She said she wanted something electric…I suggested a chair!

  • I took my son to see Santa at the shopping centre this morning. It was a bit disappointing really, because he stank of booze and cigarettes…Goodness knows what Santa thought of him!

  • My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list, but now I can’t read it!

  • My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…Now I can’t read anything!

  • My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…Now I can’t read anything!

  • A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.” A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks. He replies, “They had avocados!”

  • I asked my wife, “Where have you been?”She said, “Shopping in the sales. I bought this dress for a ridiculous figure.”I looked at her and said, “You’re not fucking joking!”I’m now in need of a bed for the night!

  • My wife’s shopping addiction is getting out of control. Last night I found a naked man in her wardrobe. Honestly she’ll buy anything!

  • I went shopping for a maternity bra for my girlfriend.“What bust?” the assistant asked.“The condom!” I said.

  • I just got my own back on my wife while we were out shopping. I dragged her round 10 pubs without getting a drink then we went back to the first one we visited and I ordered a pint!

  • My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list…Now I can’t read anything.

  • My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.Now I can’t read anything.

  • My wife is leaving me because of my insecurities.Ah, it’s okay, she’s back, turns out she just went shopping.

  • My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.Now I can’t read anything.

  • A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks: “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”He said: “They had avocados.”

  • My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.Now I can’t read anything.

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