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Sleep Jokes

  • I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”


  • This fellow showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard. “What happened to you?” a co-worker asked. “I was up nearly all night,” the man said. “My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became historical.” “You mean hysterical,” the co-worker replied. “No, historical,” the man said. “She went over absolutely everything I’ve … Read more…

  • I got fired from work on pajama day… It’s not my fault I sleep naked.

  • My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel….

  • I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.

  • I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said “It’s a bit late for you Kathy, isn’t it ?”. She said “I couldn’t sleep”. I said “That’s not what I meant, you fat b*tch”….

  • Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights…wondering…what is this b!tch up to???

  • I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.

  • I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don’t have to wake up next to someone dead.

  • A good laugh, a great orgasm, and a long sleep are the best cures for most woes… For everything else there’s booze.

  • So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

  • I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? I replied. “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?

  • I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.

  • When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper “I know guys I miss you too” then put them back quietly.

  • Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

  • I’m a heavy sleeper… Also, a heavy awaker… Okay, I’m fat.

  • Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

  • Guys, if you are ever watching Indecent Proposal’ and your wife or girlfriend asks: “Would you let someone sleep with me for $1,000,000?” Just lie!!

  • TRAVEL TIP: When you are alone in a hotel room with two beds, that means one bed is for eating on and one bed is for sleeping on.

  • At any given time, the urge to sing “The lion sleeps tonight” is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

  • I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

  • You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.

  • My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I’m 22 mom, I don’t talk to strangers, I sleep with them.

  • Wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep….

  • Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.

  • That mini heart attack you have when you’re in bed half asleep and you suddenly feel like you’re falling.

  • I’m the type of person that tries to fall back asleep in the morning just to finish a dream.

  • My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

  • My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night.

  • Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

  • My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep

  • Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!

  • Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

  • I don’t mind lesbians, actually. They’re still women who won’t sleep with me, but at least it’s nothing personal.

  • Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

  • I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

  • The heart attack when you’re in bed almost sleeping, holding your phone in your hand and it suddenly vibrates.

  • Getting really tired of you emotional women on Facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep

  • I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

  • What idiot decided it should be my foot’s asleep instead of coma toes?

  • A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

  • A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it’s mad at you the whole next day.

  • There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.

  • If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

  • How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?

  • Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

  • This girl told me that she wouldn’t sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth. If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.

  • I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.

  • The England squad have been receiving death threats and this morning they awoke to find a horses head. Fortuneatly, it was only Wayne Rooney asleep.

  • You never realize how much you love sleeping until you have to wake up in the morning.

  • My Grandad woke up with a puzzled look on his face. The daft b*stard had fallen asleep on his jigsaw.

  • According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they will recommend someone else you might also like.

  • Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.

  • The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

  • I couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to play on my drums. I also learnt that my neighbour has Tourette’s.

  • I’m great in bed… I can sleep for days.

  • I’m in a relationship with sleep and I get some every night…and if I’m lucky i get some during the day.

  • My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 am this morning and said, “Yo, I can’t fcking sleep.” “Well it’s your lucky day,” I said, “I’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”

  • If you don’t wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you’re doing Sunday wrong.

  • If I had a time machine, I’d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

  • Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I’m not even tired anymore Said no one ever!

  • He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santa’s had Facebook way before us.

  • When I wake up before my alarm clock…I sometimes sneak up on it while it’s still sleeping and yell “HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH”

  • Instead of that daylight savings crap why don’t we just move the clock ahead an hour every Friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on Sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour.

  • I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

  • When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I’m older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

  • In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a shitty lock.”

  • I’m pretty sure the phrase “sleep tight” originated in prison

  • Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic…..but do it on a bus and the judge doesn’t agree.

  • You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime.

  • My left buttcheek fell asleep. I’m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

  • I didn’t see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock…

  • I sleep less, I’m tired. I sleep more, I’m tired. Life is impossible.

  • Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.

  • My mother-in-law’s coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

  • I don’t take my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

  • Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don’t get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.

  • I remember the days when I wasn’t addicted to Facebook…I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,

  • [Job interview] “Can you explain this gap in your résumé?” Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

  • Someone stole all the red bull from the store. I don’t know how they sleep at night.

  • I woke up with a face full of rice. I must’ve fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.

  • Sleeping comes naturally to me. I can do it with my eyes closed.

  • I’ve been sleeping with a blind woman…The sex is great but it isn’t easy getting her husband’s voice right!

  • “Your dog has been barking for the last 3 fucking hours!” I said to my neighbour this morning. “I’ve got a serious hangover and I’m trying to get some sleep!”“It would probably help if you got out of his kennel!” she replied.

  • Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed…I tried it and my goldfish died!

  • I’ve just made my hamster a strong coffee…I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel!

  • At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep…Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman!

  • My dentist told me, “This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?”I said, “Yes, I’m ready.”He said, “I’m sleeping with your wife!”

  • My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead…My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!

  • I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

  • Someone told me that pets settle far better if you let them sleep at the end of your bed…It’s true, my goldfish hasn’t woken up yet!

  • I’m thinking of sleeping on the wife’s side of the bed…Apparently from that side, you don’t hear the kids crying or the dog barking to go out!

  • My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night…She nearly took my fucking eye out!

  • I pulled out a nose hair to see if it hurt.Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, I’d say ‘yes’!

  • I have to say that the urge for me to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is always just a whim away!

  • I woke up with rice in my hair, ears and nose. Funny because I slept well, and went to sleep as soon as my head hit the pilau!

  • Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?I just did, and I’ve been told I’ll never be able to fly with Jet2 again!

  • How do you please a woman in bed?Let her sleep!

  • I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a ‘real girlfriend experience’.When I got there she opened the door and said, “You’re late! I bet you’ve been down the pub.”We didn’t speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa!

  • I tried counting sheep to get to sleep last night…I got to 500, lost interest, went back home and got into bed!

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